"Victims are the most dangerous people"
I don’t really know where to post this, and I hope this doesn’t get me in trouble, but something my dad said has been stuck in my head, and it’s really messing with me.
He is convinced that my mom ruined our family (or at least made it the dysfunctional mess it is now), and those that mental illness as an excuse instead of getting help dangerous. It was within the context of my brother-in-law having an episode where he anonymously cursed out my dad before apologizing and blaming it on his biplor. Those that are unchecked end up hurting anyone in their vicinity. And that makes them bad people...
Since then, I've been spiraling. I haven't brought it up to my partner. Tbh, I’m scared to bring up anything heavy about my mental health, especially after our last talk. I don’t want to run out his patience.
But this phrase keeps looping in my head: What if I never get better? What if I keep flipping between being a loving friend and a cold stranger? What if I drive my partner insane and he stops loving me? What if the obsession to being the
perfect gf" makes things worse? Am I a bomb waiting to happen? A giant flag red?
On top of that, dad years ago told me that people who journal end up being serial killers. If I journal, or ruminate too much, will I turn into a monster? But then, even thinking that way might mean I will end up hurting my loved ones. Because if you think it, that means it's true.
My brain is rot. I've been trying to push behind this. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be evil. It leaves me in paralysis because I don't know what I do will be a step closer to being dangerous. Maybe I already am.
@Smile4mepls
I realize now that this might be a wildly inappropriate question to ask in this forum.
I want to say that I am scared of *being one* not saying victims of trauma are dangerous. I'm just trying to unpack everything. I'm sorry if it comes across harsh or offensive.
@Smile4mepls While it's true that hurt people hurt people. That doesn't make them bad people. They're just people who could use a little help, maybe support and encouragement. Some people aren't even aware that there is something wrong.
If you have unprocessed trauma it will keep showing up.
Journaling is like having a diary. It gives you space to get things out. A place to put thoughts to paper. It can help with stress and anxiety. It can help you identify and understand emotions. The benefits can be immense.
I don't think you're not a monster or dangerous. If you were, you would worry about becoming one and you wouldn't worry about hurting anyone.
It's okay to take small steps, if you don't feel comfortable talking with your partner is there someone else you could talk to?
@Smile4mepls
Hey smile💗
You're not in trouble, and I also don't think this post is inappropriate at all. I think it’s brave and it shows how much you care about not hurting others, which already means you're not the kind of person you fear to become.
Your dad's words sounds very harsh and stigmatizing and it makes a lot of sense why it would stick with you. But struggling with mental health doesn't make you dangerous. The fact that you're scared of being harmful actually shows that you do in fact care.
I just want you to know that you are not a bad person. You're a human being trying to heal from pain you didn't ask for and you deserve support, not shame!💗
Thank you all for your kind words.
I left it alone for a while to give myself time to process, so sorry for the late reply.
The other day:
My partner sent me a song: Grant Gustin - Running Home to You
My brother told me I'm his inspiration to do better and to push himself
My sisters say they miss me
All of this hit me hard. People don't see me as a monster, so why do I see myself that way? I realized I'm hardstuck in my head, and it keeps me from seeing the bigger picture: I am loved.
I'm not evil, I'm just really, really struggling with a lot. That realization puts me in a better place.
Thank you all
