“We accept the love we think we deserve”

@asher101xx

Hey, first of all, I want to say thank you for trusting here to share with us. What you’re carrying right now is incredibly heavy and the fact that you’re still here still trying, still expressing yourself says more about your strength than you probably realize. You are not alone and you’re not a horrible person. You're a person who's been through way more than anyone ever should and you're still standing. That matters. Everything you're feeling confusion, guilt, longing, sadness, anger, even love for people who hurt you is valid. Emotions don’t always make sense, especially when you’re living through layers of trauma. It’s okay to feel mixed things about your mom or to miss someone who hurt you. That doesn’t make you bad it makes you human. You were trying to survive. You’re still trying to survive. You were hurt in ways you didn’t deserve physically, emotionally, mentally and it’s okay if your brain is trying to make sense of it all. Dissociation, inner conflict between parts, intrusive thoughts, the feeling of being too much it all stems from pain, not because you're broken or wrong. You're reacting to an unbearable situation the best way your system knows how.

You said something really powerful without even realizing it:

 “I’m always ruining my relationships.”

That’s not true. It’s what trauma taught you to believe that everything is your fault, even the harm others caused. But you’re not ruined. You’re healing. Healing is messy and nonlinear, especially when you're carrying this much. You deserve support. You deserve therapy. You deserve safety. Please hear this ...you are not disgusting. Having thoughts, impulses, or labels you don’t fully understand does not make you unworthy of love, safety, or care. You are not your trauma responses. You are not what others have done to you. If your dad won’t get you therapy, that’s a deep injustice but it doesn’t make your trauma any less real. You do have trauma. You deserve professional support, and there are crisis services or online resources that can help, even if it’s just someone trained to listen. If you want, I can help look for options based on where you live.

For now, please know:

You are worthy of love that doesn’t hurt. You are not too much. You are not wrong for surviving. The pain you feel is real but so is your resilience. Even if your past is complicated, your future can be soft. You can still find joy, safety, and people who will see you for who you really are someone brave, someone important, someone trying.

You're not alone. I'm here. You're still here. That means there's still hope.🖤