Who am I ?
Hello,
My name is Yahya. I am writing this while knowing deep down that I might be just another voice in the void, and that perhaps no one will even read this or offer a hand. I am not writing for sympathy; I am just trying to release the suffocating pressure inside me by speaking the truth about my life.
I am 20 years old, and I am struggling with a deep addiction to masturbation. I want to tell my story—it’s long and might not seem important to the world—but I need real help. Not the empty, useless words people usually give, but something that can actually change my reality.
Before the story, I should tell you who I am. I believe God made me with a heart that is perhaps too kind and too merciful. I’ve always felt that my purpose in life is to help the poor and sacrifice myself for the innocent. I am very sensitive, but I have learned to control my messy emotions. I live with two sides: one is mysterious, sharp, and quiet—a shield I use because our world is full of 'human demons' who exploit kind hearts. The other side, my true self, is gentle, noble, and pure. I love extreme cleanliness, I love reading, and I love real science like psychology. I stay alone for months, and people call me 'autistic' or 'mentally ill' because I don’t fit in, but maybe they are the ones who are lost. I hate triviality; I hate smoking and the waste of time on social media. I just want peace.
As for friends, I have none. I’ve searched for years, but I realized there is no such thing as a true friend who would sacrifice for you or check on you sincerely. Most people are just there for their own interests or money. My only escape is nature. I live in a desert, and I dream of seeing the green mountains and rivers of America or Switzerland. It hurts to see people who have these blessings but don't appreciate them, while I live in a place where you are either rich or poor. I was born poor, and I accept God’s will. Poverty is a hard teacher, but it makes you a man.
My struggle began at 15. I thought life was like cartoons—happy and kind. I had dreams, but to start, I just needed a pair of running shoes. My family wouldn't help, so I went to work. I found a job delivering water—pulling a cart with 15 bottles, weighing 75kg, all day from 6 AM to 9 PM. I was just a kid, earning $1 a day. I used to cry from the pain in my body while carrying those bottles, but I told myself 'don't give up.'
Then a 23-year-old guy named Bahaa started working with me. One day, over a tiny disagreement, he beat me so brutally I could hear my bones cracking. He had no mercy. He threatened to cut off my fingers. I hid my blood and my tears in my bed every night just so I wouldn't lose my job. Later, I found out he was a drug dealer. One day, he destroyed my ribs, stole the little money I had saved, and burned my things for no reason. I went home crying, knowing if my parents found out, they would just beat me more. I became obsessed with the image of his face, wanting revenge but being too weak. That trauma changed me; it made me isolated and sharp.
Two years later, I found work in a vegetable market 10km away. I worked from 8 AM until midnight and walked home every night among criminals and addicts because there was no transport. I did all that for $11 a day. But the environment—the drugs, the wars, the filth—crushed me. I fell into a deep depression that only God knows. Everyone around me, even my family, is the opposite of how I think.
At 17, I tried to find peace in sports. I went to the local field to make friends, even trying to connect with people with special needs, but no one wanted to know me. Every time I got home late from the field, my father would beat me until my face bled, while my mother encouraged him, saying, 'Don't stop until he bleeds so he learns.' One night, I couldn't take it and ran away. I spent the night among stray dogs and criminals. When I tried to get home, a man in a luxury car offered me a ride, only to kidnap and assault me. I’ve never told anyone this before. When I finally got home, my father beat me again. I thought about suicide that night, but I was too afraid.
My family calls me 'autistic' to mock me. They don't know what happened to me. They only enter my room to scream, hit me, or throw food at me as an insult. Once, I even tried to run to the airport to hide in a suitcase and fly to America, but the sight of armed guards broke my spirit. I sat on the ground crying as the last bus was leaving, watching happy families and realizing I have never known what a mother’s love or a father’s care feels like.
In all this pain and violence, I met a bad person who showed me pornography. That’s how my addiction started. It’s been four years now. When the urge hits, it’s like a fog covers my brain and my eyes. I lose my consciousness and only wake up after I’ve done it, feeling disgusted and suicidal. I do it 3 to 5 times a day. It is slowly killing my dreams and my strength.
I am 20 years old now. I am sharing my story not because it’s a movie, but because I am drowning. I need help. I need a reason to hope. I’ve told you everything so you can see why I am the way I am.
I hope I find someone who understands.
Goodbye.
@turquoiseSailboat3469
First of all, I want to tell you that you are a great warrior, and you possess a strength that very few people could ever truly understand. Despite all the difficult situations you have been through, you continue to move forward with your head held high. No matter how many times you may have thought about giving up, you are still standing and that is a clear sign that you have a greater purpose than you are able to see right now.
It is understandable that you feel trapped in a void, as if you are lost in a maze with no way out. After everything, the environment in which you live and struggle has given you very little that is positive; however, it has made you stronger and wiser in many ways.
The best thing would be for you to try to leave that environment. Try to save some money so that you can move to another country, or at least to another area within your own nation. No matter how exhausting or difficult it may be, doing so could give you the chance to improve your life greatly. It does not have to be America or Europe you can do this within your own country, simply in a different region. But if your dream is to go abroad, then pursue it.
Most importantly, do not base your worth or your identity on the words, actions, or behavior that others direct toward you. After all, they do not truly know what you have been through, nor what you have had to endure and fight against.
Only you truly know your own battles and struggles.
Because of the abuse you have suffered, you may feel anger, disgust, resentment, bitterness, fear, or even hatred—both toward yourself and toward the people, events, and life circumstances involved. But you must understand this: none of what happened was your fault. You were a child who needed protection and love. You were never seeking harm or wrongdoing.
As for masturbation, it is clear that it has become a coping mechanism through which you release all the pain and negativity you receive from the outside world. In that sense, it has become a kind of “ritual” for relief. However, now that you are consciously aware that this habit causes you distress, try to gradually reduce the number of times you do it each day. Little by little, work toward reducing it until you are eventually able to stop completely and regain healthy control over those urges.
You can also try finding another outlet through which to release those emotions and receive the dopamine and stimulation that masturbation currently provides. This could be singing, exercise, sports, music, drawing, or any activity you choose. Whenever the urge arises, turn to one of these activities instead. That way, you can begin to break the vicious cycle that, much like a drug, gives temporary relief and then pulls you back again later.
No one but you can change your reality or your life. I know that after such a long and painful struggle, the idea of a “savior” appearing can seem tempting. But that savior is you.
Rest. Recover your strength. And once you have regained enough energy, gather the courage and fighting spirit that already live within you, and keep moving forward. Even with fear, uncertainty, and doubt keep going. You are a great warrior, and you will make it through this.
Life changes over time. Today, you may feel as though you are in an abyss. In a few months or years, you may find yourself living the paradise you have longed for. What hurts today may one day become a source of inspiration for others.
Do not give up on your goal of getting better you can achieve it. Believe in yourself.
@turquoiseSailboat3469
I m sorry for being late to even read this. You have been through a lot. But I m not going to write paragraphs with no end. The only thing I will write is this: i am here for you, to help you,listen and understand you. Not mock you not judge you. Text me whenever.
@turquoiseSailboat3469
I d love to text you but I cant if you dont text me first so please text me. I want to help.
@turquoiseSailboat3469 1. I’m sorry that those things have happened to you. You didn’t deserve to be treated like less than a human. 2. What is it about masturbation that is making you feel shameful about it? There is nothing wrong with making yourself feel good. . Also do you have access to a therapist? If you want to come to America how are you planning to get here? It may help to write out your goal and make steps towards this. . Also do you have a car? You need to get away from that family. You need to go no contact, it is clear they have taken you for granted and do not value you. You are somebody regardless of how they have treated you!
