buried feelings

i seek attention but in a way that i want someone to help me and understand me. So many things have happened to me that i just bury them but any slight thing can reactivate them. I don’t like making it obvious as i’m scared they’ll be like ‘why are you attention seeking’. All i want is to be heard and understood, now there’s been so many bad experiences that i’ve lost count and now i truly don’t understand how to help myself. It’s like my brains been completely taken over by depression or something and so when i’m not thinking of anything i just think about all the bad things that’ve happened to me knowing no one understands enough to care for me. i must silently deal with this, although over time it’s starting to become like trauma, i try and repress it so much that it’s scarring my brain, i don’t know what to do. I don’t want to pay for therapy and even if i did i wouldn’t know where to start, it’s all jumbled in my head.