constant worries

I’m not really sure how this app works. I joined it three years ago but never used it. I can’t afford therapy because I’m young and unemployed, so I’m hoping this might help.

I used to be very avoidant. I was scared of people and pushed them away. There was one guy I pushed away and later went back to. Even though I tried to do everything right, he still chose someone else over me. I felt like I deserved that.

Later, he became afraid that I might tell his new girlfriend about the lies he told her and expose him. Because of that, he threatened me using my pictures. I was traumatized and in shock for days.

He used to be my safest place. I called him my home. Then he became a source of trauma. I had worked so hard to open up, but now I feel myself closing again.

Whenever someone I had any kind of relationship or intimacy with talks to someone I know, I get intense anxiety. I start thinking: what if he humiliates me? What if he exposes me? What if what I did makes me a bad person? (I’m a virgin.) I’m scared that because of my mistakes, someone will use them against me in the future to shame me or silence me.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t ask anyone for help because nobody would understand.