processing or avoiding

to sit with myself and reflect can be rewarding with so much time and effort, but at the price of contemplating my loneliness and worsening to get better.

to give into escapism is to feel nothing instead of something, and allows me to be of use to someone else; someone lonely too or struggling or needing closeness, but at the price of adding more baggage to a negative cycle of objectification.

a hard decision to make in times of peace no less, but im currently working in survival mode from factors that i cant control. im stuck in choosing between two evils: i cant take thinking about the rest of my life on top of it all and im losing drive every minute i sit alone, or i engage in romanticizing my struggles and indulge further in them to negate the current onslaught yet prolonging my suffering. its miserable to have to pick from short term survival and chase adrenaline, or taking a risk on my stability and hoping my will alone will be enough to not drown. im feeling lost and i dont know what to do.

i cant cope normally in general as im too hard wired to extremes. going for a walk, showering, or journaling will not help me right now.