see my died cause my trauma event in my life

the trauma event in my life was see my dad died on stretch went Ems worker wheeling him to ambulance see his lifeless body and hear the cpr machine read least 5o time then that told me and my mom that my dad was gone like someone had punch me stomach the was painful thing every had going through in my life and then going to hospital tell my dad goodbye so hard because i will never see my dad again see him so plain so not him remember body so hard and so white he did not look like my dad i remember cry so hard that want to pass out could not believe that he was gone i have ptsd from these every time hear ambulance get pain attack and every time going to hospital get pain attack from that and most hardest thing had to do was going to my dad's funeral seen him in that casket change me forever my dad died at 63 on November 13 2023 from massive heart and month i find out I have early stage diabetes because my dad had same condition he had at 40 just like me and I don't want died at that age live long happy life and be old women that want i want for my life and I love my dad and miss him wish knew last moment where like before his death like was think about his family and why did not talk to us about his death and could have sat down like family talk about if he died what would we do and he and mom hide things from me and my brother feel angry and so sad same time