vent, first time talking about it TW: SA

please don’t read or respond to this if you are triggered by SA, please take care of yourself and make sure you’re comfortable <3

it makes my heart heavy, but i never talk about it. i was sexually assaulted multiple times by multiple people. i can’t remember how old i was each time, but it was mostly in elementary and early middle school. these events all happened years apart, ranging from 3rd grade to 7th grade. (not it order). for context, allie (fake name) has been one of my best friends since kindergarten, and i’ve gone to school with her since prek. it was kind of torture.

• allie pinned me down in my room at a sleepover and pushed my legs apart and tried to kiss and touch me. i told her “wait, not right now” and went to the bathroom because i was uncomfortable.

• allie pinned me down in her room at a sleepover and tried to kiss me and pull down my pants

• allie had us both put on lingerie and give back rubs/tickle. She took my bra off and i told her to stop but she teased me. She tried to put her hand down my shorts but i said i felt sick and pushed her off to go to the bathroom.

• at a group sleepover i played a game called “gay chicken” where you were forced to kiss someone until they “chickened out”. if you pulled away first you had to take off a piece of clothes. i ended up being completely undressed and told to do fetal position in front of a group of about seven girls. allie later gave me four hickeys on my back while i was yelling at her to stop.

• i was asleep in my dads bed because my mom was out of town, and i woke up to him caressing my thigh because he thought i was my mom. he apologized profusely but i still remember it. he genuinely did not mean to.

• constantly at school (grades 4-8) allie would be very s*xual and touchy even when i would tell her no, or to stop. other people would tell her to stop, but for a while i got so numb to it i would stay silent. i was scared of getting in trouble.

i just graduated from 8th grade and allie and i are going to different high schools. however, all of this still really weighs on me. i feel like i need to tell someone. my parents? nothing will come from it though, and honestly i don’t want anything to. my girlfriend? i don’t want them to think of me differently. my therapist? no thank you. either way, i don’t know, but i had to say it somewhere.