How to move forward when you have no gas

I'm having a really hard time moving forward, of forgiving and moving on, of not feeling like a hopeless failure.

Some women did some really awful things to me to put me out of business so they could start theirs. I was blindsided and very devastated by what they did. They continued to bully me and threaten me. I was lied to, lied about and felt helpless. The more I fell apart the more they used it to gaslight and tell my students I was crazy. I stopped coming into work and got subs. My bullies told the students and parents I stopped coming in because I was going insane and not safe to be around.

I was going insane, but I wasn't unsafe in any way. I was the same person before they started their campaign. I was Teacher of the Year in my hometown. My school had so many awards there wasn't enough space on the wall for them all. How could people believe them? After all the extra hours and kindness? How was all the good I'd done so quickly forgotten? How did I let some psychopath bullies make me so weak and so broken? No one really knew what was really going on. I never talked about it. I still keep it in. I sold my school and stopped teaching. Decided to just be home with my kids.

I was diagnosed with PTSD. I kept thinking I should have seen the signs, should have removed the teachers at the school that my instincts knew there was something not right, that they were not right and not good. I ignored my instincts because I was lazy and didn't want to go through the process of finding a teacher in a hard to replace subject mid year.

Couldn't stop running through my head what I could have done to stop them. Kept playing it all back, what I should have done before it was a cancer.

It's been years. It still runs through my head. I went from successful teacher and business owner, nominated "Woman of the Year" in my town to a stay at home mom who barely leaves the house.

Our house is tiny and we're trying to build more space. It's disheartening to clean. There isn't a place for anything. We live next door to my inlaws because my mother-in-law is sick and needs someone near by. The small house was all we could afford because I'm not working. We live in 500 square feet with two kids because that's all we can afford near my inlaws in this insane Bay Area market. There's no room to cook, no room to put anything. I can't keep this place nice so my husband feels like I've failed as a stay at home mom. Tonight he said I don't show I appreciate him because I don't do enough here. I try, I really do. I clean and cook and get the kids to everything, I garden and help my mother in law but I can feel it. My husband thinks I'm a failure for not working, for losing my business, for losing my mind, self-esteem and ambition after the PTSD. He's right really. I failed. I'm weak. I wasn't strong. I crumbled under the pressure like a scared rabbit. I'm not the strong and beautiful girl he thought he signed up for. They broke me.

I started doing research on window and cabinet companies for the house. I worked really hard on it. Contacted just about every company and learned as much as I could about the products, pricing and compiled it all to show my husband who was having a hard time finding windows and cabinets he liked. His attitude was why did you waste your time with that when you could have been cleaning. I thought it was a contribution. Nothing I do is a contribution anymore. I have nothing to contribute.

Nothing I do anymore is appreciated or important. I'm just a housewife in a dinky house wasting away. I have a degree in science and used to do many creative things. I was a good cook. Now I just clean and barely cook. The little house we live in has a gas stove and oven with only two burners. The gas makes me sick so I don't cook a lot. My husband just says all I do is complain about the appliances and how it makes me sick. I do complain, because it's hard and it makes me not want to cook anymore. He just sees me as a failure, as a defected model myself. He doesn't feel bad it bothers me or makes me sick just sees me as a problem. The more I complain the worse he is to me. I shouldn't ever complain. I should keep it to myself. He doesn't listen to me anymore anyway, not really. Will play a video game if I start talking, or fall asleep or say he's busy.

He doesn't like me anymore. What's to like? I'm just a failure now who can barely manage this tiny house. I'm not good now because I don't have an important job. I'm getting older too, less attractive and pointless. I keep going and moving each day for my kids, but that's it. I'm surviving, not living.

I never talk about any of it with anyone. My mom is dead and I don't have girlfriends I feel I can talk to. Oddly enough I'm the listener with my girlfriends. I'm who they come to but I can't talk to them. I'm better at talking to men but I don't want to talk about this with men because I don't want it to be seen as wrong or misinterpreted as cheating or something.

Basically, I just keep this in most days and just go about my day like an unhappy automaton getting through until I'm old enough to die. I started crying tonight and did it silently for hours. It's such a small house I don't want anyone to hear. My husband would feel like I'm picking on him if he heard me cry and it would scare the kids, so I cry silently. I tried this app because I just had to get it out of me, just some of it. I just want to sob and really loud, but I can't.