Am I Overreacting? Am I evil?

I'm not really sure where to start with this...

I've talked with others about this to some extent, but I don't know what to do. I really, really want to be good, and to do good - and I don't know what to do here or what I can do to change this. I'm scared that this will prevent me from ever being good, period. I realize that sounds irrational now, but I'm just really scared.

This really begins when I first started being online, around the age of 13-14.

Throughout my teenage years, I've done bad things - things that I regret daily. Things that run through my head pretty much throughout each and every day. I really hate who I have been, and I've been trying to work to be better, but I'm really, genuinely scared that this is an impossibility. I feel like I've changed from who I was then, but I'm scared that I won't be able to make any true change, and that this is simply who I really am. Here's a few of the things that stick out.

First and foremost, when I was 15, I got involved in some NSFW spaces, and I feel like this did some bad things to me... I was in a lewd roleplay online with someone several years older than me. I feel like this was wrong in every aspect, and it makes me uncomfortable to think about; but I worry that I am at fault here given that I was also a party engaged in this and doing it at all. I really, really regret ever participating in this. I was still friends with this person for sometime afterward, and I feel really bad about it. I feel so guilty, because I feel like in part I was leading them on - even though they were much older than me.

From here on out, I got involved in some NSFW things online - things I really regret ever participating in. Another incident, not explicitly or inherently NSFW, but one that has stuck with me, is that I was talking to a person several months older than me for several months during late 2016-early 2017. Throughout this period, they'd compliment me and stuff - they were several years older than me. Looking back on this, I have had a very uncomfortable feeling about what went on. None of it was explicitly sexual, but the dynamics have had me somewhat creeped out. I talked to them one last time a couple of years back, and this culminated in them coming on to me. I feel really bad about it, and again here I feel responsible for this.

What I regret the most, however, is something I did in December of 2018; I was seventeen, and I catfished someone. I did it only for one day, but this is hardly any kind of excuse for what it is that I did. It was done on Twitter, and although I deleted this account after one day, it still runs through my mind each and every day. The guilt is enormous - and I know I deserve it.

I feel like 'selfish' doesn't begin to cover these things. I feel like I manipulated a person in the last example I gave - two, technically; between the person I did this to, and the person's picture that I used - and I feel like the same took place in the former example. That's what terrifies me the most - that I may have very well hurt people in my doing this. It scares me that I've ever done this, and I regret it every day; some days I only think about it once or twice, but other days, it's constantly running through my mind to the extent that I don't even want to get out of bed. A lot of nights it keeps me up at night, wondering if I've hurt these people and wondering if there is any way to atone for it - realistically, I mean. This is pathetic - but I'm not sure what to do.

This isn't the kind of person I want to be. I want to be someone worth being proud of. I'm really, really afraid of disappointing the people I love, and I don't want to let them down. I feel like I'm constantly split in two; like the part of me that ever wants to do good and the part of me that's trying to grow and change is a 'fake'. I'm scared of being a manipulator, or deceitful, or predatory.

I feel like I have changed and grown from this person - I am trying to be a good person, the best person that I can be. This may sound facetious, but I've been earnestly trying to do better. What scared me most about all this for a long time is that I identify as asexual; I genuinely feel like I am, but for the longest time I was scared that I was a fake, because I felt like there was a disconnect between who I feel I am and these things I did.

I feel more grounded and more in touch with my sexuality... but the fact that I wasn't before is no excuse for what I did do. I've been trying to change who I am, and I feel like I've grown a lot in the last two years as a person, and I've tried to change who I am and these things. But I'm scared, too, that this is an impossibility - that I won't be able to make any lasting or meaningful changes to myself and be who I wish to be, and that I really won't be able to grow from this, and instead that I'm always going to be the weirdo that did this. I want to atone for it somehow, but I'm really not sure how to. I would go to the people that I've done this to, but having talked to other people about this, I don't want to bring this up again to those who may have already moved on from it, like in the third case.

It really, really scares me. I'm constantly afraid that that is what I'm a creep, though, that I'm truly and genuinely evil and manipulative, and that if anyone knows that I did these things they would see me as a fake-- that they wouldn't want me as a friend, and that they'd reject me completely. And the thing I'm more afraid of is that I feel that I would totally and completely deserve it.

I don't want to be a creep. I feel like I've changed a lot since I did these things.. but I'm worried I'm marked forever by this, and that I deserve to be. I really don't know what to do, but I want to continue to try and be better. I'm scared its too late for it but. I really earnestly hope it isn't.

I've abandoned all my online stuff pretty much, deleted all my accounts... I felt like this was the main way to really work on myself and change who I am. I'm really scared of being creepy because of what I've done - of being manipulative and just really, really evil. I just honestly hate myself and I hate everything about me and I wish I could go back and undo it all. I'm not sure what to do.