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modestBike489
4,459 M Seeking Light 6
PathStep 19 Compassion hearts142 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes19 Current upvotes19 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceOctober 30, 2020
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Risky behavior, sexual trauma, shame & fear
Trauma Support / by modestBike489
Last post
 June 18th, 2023
...See more I feel deeply uncomfortable with sex - I don't like being thought of sexually, I don't like the idea of being 'attractive' by someone in that way, and I am uncomfortable with intimacy, to the point that the idea of being highly intimate with someone has left me shaking. At the same time, I have found myself placing myself in risky situations - retraumatizing, revictimizing situations, situations in trying to connect to bad and abusive people. For a long time, I felt as if I was only worthwhile in being something for people to use. Lately, though, it struck me that I was used, and that for a long time being used was my main mode of connection. Despite this, though, I find myself longing to go back - and on the rare occasion I go through with it, I find myself frozen. Deeply churning and uncomfortable inside, but scared to say no. Scared to run. Does anyone else struggle with this?
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Boundaries & Breaking Up as a Result of Trauma
Trauma Support / by modestBike489
Last post
 January 5th, 2023
...See more I struggle a lot with sexual trauma. I struggle with intimacy a lot - and while my partner knows this, they crossed some boundaries of mine that I thought I had made pretty clear to them, and more than once. I finally took the plunge to break up with them, as I am struggling with my traumatic past to the point that I am no longer comfortable in a relationship. They are really upset, and keep begging me to come back - but I thought I had expressed my boundaries and feelings clearly enough. What do I do?
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Struggling for years with trauma; relationships impacted
Trauma Support / by modestBike489
Last post
 January 2nd, 2023
...See more I feel utterly helpless. I am struggling a lot with the impact grooming has had on me. I was groomed as a minor by more than one person, and manipulated into sexual activity and being used sexually. I didnt realize what had happened to me for some years, but when I did in October 2020, it really overwhelmed me— I kinda shut down from the pain of it all and stuffed it away. It wasn't until I began counseling in late 2021 that I began to begin processing it. Only processing it hasn't been easy. It is constantly in the back of my mind. I am always being taken back there and I am so afraid of becoming like the people that hurt me. In particular, I struggle with touch and intimacy. My partner (online, long distance) has become very touchy Feely in their love language, which is quite okay; but I feel as if they've begun to push my boundaries. The ways in which they request to be intimate are similar to the ways in which I was groomed, and I have expressed as much before. It feels as if they've been pushing my boundaries or wanting me to change them for some time now. It is nothing graphic - and tbey affirm that they don't want my boundaries to change for them - but at the same time, I do feel pressure, with them wishing they could do these things with me. They know my discomfort with this. Lately I've been spiraling a lot as a result of my mental health struggles and I broke up with them last night. They are very broken hearted, as am I, but it was hard for me to truly feel safe— it feels hard for me to truly feel safe in general now. I am really depressed about it, and I'm ashamed that my trauma is impacting me like this all these years later. I am trying to do the hard work of healing and remember it is okay to enforce my own boundaries, but I have no idea what to do. Does anyone have any advice?
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Struggling with intimacy as a result of trauma.
Trauma Support / by modestBike489
Last post
 November 12th, 2022
...See more I am on the verge of breaking up with my partner as I just feel like a worthless burden. I was groomed by more than one person as a teenager, and while I've only been going to counseling within the last year for this, I'm still struggling a lot with the effects of what happened to me, the trauma of being sexualized as a teenager, and the pressure of staying in those friendship dynamics. It has become very hard for me to be intimate with my partner, partly because so much of it - it is cuddling, mainly - was how I was groomed. They tell me the ways they'd like to be intimate with me despite not wanting to make me uncomfortable, but I just feel like I shut down. I'm scared if I engage in intimacy with her, I'll wind up hurting her like I was hurt. I just feel really uncomfortable and I've expressed it already, and they've taken it as me finding them unattractive despite my reassurances that this is a struggle with my trauma. I'm not sure what to do.
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Really struggling.
Trauma Support / by modestBike489
Last post
 April 10th, 2022
...See more At 14-15 - almost 6 years ago - I was in two friendships wherein I was groomed in both; the people in question were both 18-19. For a long time, I thought in one case I was at fault for my uncomfortableness, and ought to be ashamed. In the other case, I didn't realize until much later what happened. A year and a half ago I began putting things together and began to process these things, but I've only been able to go to counseling since last November. I've made a bit of progress but I'm not as far along as I want. It's been nearly 6 years and I don't think I'm over it. I hate that it happened and it terrifies me, yet I feel like I can't stop thinking about it. I try not to ruminate but some days it's all I can think about. I'm scared of hurting others and being a bad/toxic influence in their lives because of my trauma. I'm trying to recover, but it's really really hard and I don't know what to do. I'm just sad - I feel like I'm of no use to anybody like this. I used to be a happy person— now I'm not. I miss the old me that wasn't so burdensome. I don't know what to do.
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Asexual with a porn addiction. 19 yo.
Addiction Support / by modestBike489
Last post
 August 5th, 2021
...See more You read that right. I feel absolutely pathetic. I'm trying to grow as a person. I have a dark past as a teen lurking and being involved in NSFW spaces; at some points I was sent nudes. I was even groomed at one point. I'm trying to heal.. but porn is like a comfort/security blanket for me. especially when I'm anxious. I feel like I'm lying to everyone - like I'm manipulative. People call me kind and stuff but it makes me feel like I'm lying to them - that if they knew the real me they'd never want to be my friend again. I just feel like a fake. I don't know what to do.
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Been unpacking stuff but I'm not sure how to proceed. Stuck in a rut. 19 yo.
Trauma Support / by modestBike489
Last post
 August 3rd, 2021
...See more As a young teen... I got pretty involved in nsfw spaces online. Especially when I got involved in NSFW roleplay. I regret it to this day. The first one was at 14... but then I was able to drop it and carry on with my life. It wasn't until I turned 15 that I began exploring these spaces deeper. I was having conversations I should not have been having, and engaging in activities and with people I had no business being involved with. There were several times that I was sent *** and nsfw footage by grown people, there were several times that I was manipulated, and one instance where - although it was a somewhat brief timespan - I would say that I was being groomed, looking back on it. The worst thing I did personally that took place during this time was, when I was 17 years old, I catfished someone - albeit for a day - using the pictures of a friend. It was at this time that I was kinda awoken to the rut I was in; this stuff wasn't just a game, but sincerely damaging. I'm 19 now, and I've been trying hard to make things right and improve myself. I see what a heinous person I used to be, and for the last year I've been really trying to reverse these bad patterns. I've been trying to cull down my involvement with pornography and the enjoyment I get from it (ironically, I identify as an asexual. I don't really feel any kind of 'attraction', it's just partly an escape and partly nostalgia - something I was once used to, I guess.) There's some aspects of my life that I feel like I've grown in, and others that I haven't. There have been times when I've been tempted into going back into these spaces... but I get about as far as making the account then deleting it. I hate myself for even going that far. It just scares me - I've come far in this last year, but not far enough I feel like. I'm almost twenty - no longer a teenager - and Im still struggling with this. I'm trying to grow - but I feel that I'm at a point where I'm hitting a wall. I feel like an awful, horrible person - first for having catfished someone; for going into these spaces and meddling in them, and also for engaging with people who were sending these things and manipulating me. My question is, it is okay that I'm still growing and trying to detach myself from this toxic stuff? How can I continue growing as a person in a practical sense? I have no access to a counselor at the moment, though once college begins I hope to. What can I do? It scares me. I want to be a good child to my parents, a good sibling, grandchild... people tell me all the time how they've learned something from me, or how kind they think I am, and I cringe - because they don't know these things I've done. I've been up this last week pretty much having panic attacks nightly because of this. I just don't know what to do. I just want to be a good person - to grow as far away from this person as I can.
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Am I Overreacting? Am I evil?
Trauma Support / by modestBike489
Last post
 April 15th, 2021
...See more I'm not really sure where to start with this... I've talked with others about this to some extent, but I don't know what to do. I really, really want to be good, and to do good - and I don't know what to do here or what I can do to change this. I'm scared that this will prevent me from ever being good, period. I realize that sounds irrational now, but I'm just really scared. This really begins when I first started being online, around the age of 13-14. Throughout my teenage years, I've done bad things - things that I regret daily. Things that run through my head pretty much throughout each and every day. I really hate who I have been, and I've been trying to work to be better, but I'm really, genuinely scared that this is an impossibility. I feel like I've changed from who I was then, but I'm scared that I won't be able to make any true change, and that this is simply who I really am. Here's a few of the things that stick out. First and foremost, when I was 15, I got involved in some NSFW spaces, and I feel like this did some bad things to me... I was in a lewd roleplay online with someone several years older than me. I feel like this was wrong in every aspect, and it makes me uncomfortable to think about; but I worry that I am at fault here given that I was also a party engaged in this and doing it at all. I really, really regret ever participating in this. I was still friends with this person for sometime afterward, and I feel really bad about it. I feel so guilty, because I feel like in part I was leading them on - even though they were much older than me. From here on out, I got involved in some NSFW things online - things I really regret ever participating in. Another incident, not explicitly or inherently NSFW, but one that has stuck with me, is that I was talking to a person several months older than me for several months during late 2016-early 2017. Throughout this period, they'd compliment me and stuff - they were several years older than me. Looking back on this, I have had a very uncomfortable feeling about what went on. None of it was explicitly sexual, but the dynamics have had me somewhat creeped out. I talked to them one last time a couple of years back, and this culminated in them coming on to me. I feel really bad about it, and again here I feel responsible for this. What I regret the most, however, is something I did in December of 2018; I was seventeen, and I catfished someone. I did it only for one day, but this is hardly any kind of excuse for what it is that I did. It was done on Twitter, and although I deleted this account after one day, it still runs through my mind each and every day. The guilt is enormous - and I know I deserve it. I feel like 'selfish' doesn't begin to cover these things. I feel like I manipulated a person in the last example I gave - two, technically; between the person I did this to, and the person's picture that I used - and I feel like the same took place in the former example. That's what terrifies me the most - that I may have very well hurt people in my doing this. It scares me that I've ever done this, and I regret it every day; some days I only think about it once or twice, but other days, it's constantly running through my mind to the extent that I don't even want to get out of bed. A lot of nights it keeps me up at night, wondering if I've hurt these people and wondering if there is any way to atone for it - realistically, I mean. This is pathetic - but I'm not sure what to do. This isn't the kind of person I want to be. I want to be someone worth being proud of. I'm really, really afraid of disappointing the people I love, and I don't want to let them down. I feel like I'm constantly split in two; like the part of me that ever wants to do good and the part of me that's trying to grow and change is a 'fake'. I'm scared of being a manipulator, or deceitful, or predatory. I feel like I have changed and grown from this person - I am trying to be a good person, the best person that I can be. This may sound facetious, but I've been earnestly trying to do better. What scared me most about all this for a long time is that I identify as asexual; I genuinely feel like I am, but for the longest time I was scared that I was a fake, because I felt like there was a disconnect between who I feel I am and these things I did. I feel more grounded and more in touch with my sexuality... but the fact that I wasn't before is no excuse for what I did do. I've been trying to change who I am, and I feel like I've grown a lot in the last two years as a person, and I've tried to change who I am and these things. But I'm scared, too, that this is an impossibility - that I won't be able to make any lasting or meaningful changes to myself and be who I wish to be, and that I really won't be able to grow from this, and instead that I'm always going to be the weirdo that did this. I want to atone for it somehow, but I'm really not sure how to. I would go to the people that I've done this to, but having talked to other people about this, I don't want to bring this up again to those who may have already moved on from it, like in the third case. It really, really scares me. I'm constantly afraid that that is what I'm a creep, though, that I'm truly and genuinely evil and manipulative, and that if anyone knows that I did these things they would see me as a fake-- that they wouldn't want me as a friend, and that they'd reject me completely. And the thing I'm more afraid of is that I feel that I would totally and completely deserve it. I don't want to be a creep. I feel like I've changed a lot since I did these things.. but I'm worried I'm marked forever by this, and that I deserve to be. I really don't know what to do, but I want to continue to try and be better. I'm scared its too late for it but. I really earnestly hope it isn't. I've abandoned all my online stuff pretty much, deleted all my accounts... I felt like this was the main way to really work on myself and change who I am. I'm really scared of being creepy because of what I've done - of being manipulative and just really, really evil. I just honestly hate myself and I hate everything about me and I wish I could go back and undo it all. I'm not sure what to do.
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