Attracting Abusers and Repelling Nice Guys
Has anyone both faced and solved this issue? Any advice would be appreciated, because my therapist seems to believe that my situation is hopeless.
I am not attracted to them, but I seem to be only capable of attracting abusive men with addictions and severe issues. I am attracted to non-abusive men, but they want nothing to do with me. I believe this is due to the way I was treated by my family of origin. My therapist told me that the way I grew up - with critical, abusive, manipulative parents who took from me, put me down, resented me, and never supported me - means that there is only a very slim chance that I will attract a healthy romantic relationship. She told me it's not likely because it's baked into my perfectionistic personality. Can anyone else relate? How do I break this cycle? I just scared off another wonderful guy, and still have selfish takers pounding at my door...emotional vampires just yearning to knock me down on the ladder of life. Thanks!
Hi River,
Would you mind if I asked how you feel you scare off nice guys? I was just thinking that if you could work out a pattern, maybe you would be able to address those traits or issues
@braveSugar7964, hi! Thank you. This is one factor of which I'm quite unsure. The feedback I got from one of the guys that I developed strong feelings for was that I am too tall (we are both the same height - 5'9"). Another told me I was too attractive, which might make him jealous and controlling. Another two had some performance issues in bed and then disappeared (I'm not sure if they were nervous or not...or if they just weren't attracted to me). Another had his dad ask him to dinner at the last minute, and he couldn't say no to him. Then he just ditched me completely. He keeps flaking in and out of my life like a scared child. Lately, I've been going in with the expectation that they're going to either find fault with me or flake on me. That probably isn't helping. I'm just so tired of getting burned that I don't expect success any more.
Men tend to pursue me because of my looks (I'm tall, thin, blonde, and well put together), but I also would like someone with both culture and substance (I have a master's degree from Columbia in cognitive science, and I used to be an orchestral musician. I'm now a days snail tics consultant in marketing with a pharmaceutical company). Every time I find that guy who is cultured, sweet, thoughtful, intelligent, ambitious, and funny, he runs. The guys with no jobs or education who have little in common with me and who like to tell me my background is worthless (but who will glad me have me solve their problems for them!!) and that I'm not that great are all over me - pressuring me, and sometimes even raping me. Any thoughts or insights would be appreciated.
Hi River,
I can't tell you how to attract nice guys. But I can tell you that you can overcome the parental abuse you have endured. I am a reforming perfectionist. I win some of these battles with myself now, and someday I will win the war. Keep hope. There is a lot of great resources on this site that help me.
@reactivefish062 Thank you so much! Which resources do you find to be the most helpful? I have struggled with perfectionism my whole life, and am suffering a bad bout right now. Thank you!
@RiverPark
Hi River,
I understand what you are going through. I've struggled with perfectionism, anxiety and depression for many, many years and am still working on these issues although I feel better about myself now. I went through a similar quest to find the "right guy" and it wasn't easy. I think we are sometimes in need of love and acceptance so desperately that we tolerate disrespectful behavior (even accepting having unwanted sex) from other people because of this. I recently learned about "Owning the problem" that is, to recognize that the problem is my way of thinking and processing things and it has helped me with anger and blame issues towards others and has empowered me to do something about my part of the problem. Also, the acceptance and commitment therapy self-help guide has helped a lot. I also learned a few years ago I had to make peace with dad and mom, and recall all the painful memories in order to heal, it was very painful, I cried a lot, but slowly, I could release and forgive, and sometimes still repeat the process, especially with mom (not that you talk to them actually), all the pain I had bottled up just went away and can enjoy life and myself in a different way. I think this experience lifted a very high weight I carried for many years and helped me relate to men, to my husband and to my parents in a different way. Your in the right way, keep striving, you will find the root of the problem. Be patient.
@Sofimus thank you so much! I hope that I can learn to let go of my perfectionism as well. It is ruining my love life especially, and is certainly feuling episodes of depression.
@RiverPark The acceptance and commitment therapy section blew my mind. I had taken up meditation years ago but I found myself frusturated with never being able to stop negative thoughts into my mind. Being a perfectionist, I figured that if i am still having negative, self abusive thoughts then I must be doing it wrong and wasting my time. Rather than being angry with myself for having a negative thought I am learning to accept that i will have them, they are not good or correct thoughts and to go on. That was the most helpful one for me so far.
@reactivefish062 Thank you so much! Yes, it's about recognizing that I will still have them, but learning to manage and cope with them. I'm feeling a bit better today. Thank you!
As you've requested help with this, I feel compelled to answer as a first ever thread post. I''ve been married 3 years now, (wow, it's been that long) to an amazing man, and I have all the anxiety, depression and perfectionist feelings in the world due to my family of origin as well. I think it's do-able to find someone that's not dysfunctional in the way you tend to go. It takes a lot of self love, but also figuring out what your "red flags" are for not so great guys. I honestly had to look at myself as a friend, and go. "Is this guy going to be good to me" when making decisions like that. Thinking about myself like a parent would (because god my parent's didn't do that very well. I'm 5/1 on choosing badly but each one I got closer to the goal. Find a guy that shows up, is as good as his word consistently and if not owns his mistakes, someone who isn't afraid of showing intimacy not just sex. Someone who you can be a friend to, but there's more. Don't ever go for a guy who's flaky, leave 'em. You need someone who's willing to work on the relationship as much as you are. One thing I did, a long time ago, which I think helped in the long run, was I made a list of all the things a good Significant Other would have to have for me to consider them worthy of me. Another thing I absolutely HAD to do before my husband walked into my life was, I had to forgive people for their shortcomings, but look at what their actions said about how they were going to handle them instead of looking for a "perfect" man..I know this is ramble-y but I didn't really see anyone posting from experience yet.
Another thing I really had to work on was getting myself out of co-dependency and self injuring ideas about others thinking, (trying to mind-read). Find someone who is going to stand up to you in a fight, but fight fair... Look up how to fight fair & start using that language with potential dates/suitors. see how they react.
Jumbled mess, I know. But just some thoughts.
A thought that has occurred to me is that there are a lot of folk out there with their own issues, you know?
If some are strange - and let's face it; ending a relationship because someone is "too tall" is pretty strange, then it's not always your fault in some way..
@RiverPark
unfortunately u just described me. Guess I'm not alone in this world😊. But have no clue on advice. It took me 8 yrs to get over my ex husband, now I am only finding myself trying to get over another one who just humiliated me without warning and wrote me off. Tried my best to take things slow, but even after having him in my life for past 6 months, I'm again crying, depressed and lonely. Far from where I was 7 months ago before I met the jerk
@RiverPark
Hi!
Your situation seems like most of the teenagers I've met in therapy. Before I answer your question, I would want to know are you a loyal partner?
Good guys value that the most and since you are attractive, it's obvious that they worry you might cheat on them. It's easy to get attracted to the "Bad Guy Image" and slip up for a one-time meaningless fling (Probably when you're drunk).
Since you mentioned of growing up in a disturbed surrounding, has it completely taken away your trust in guys?
Believe me! If a good guy (many consider him boring) really gets you, there is nothing better. He'd love you all your life and never hurt you. Provided you don't hurt him.
i thought something is wrong with me..