CHAOTIC MIND
I don't know if my past toxic relationships has something to do with this but I think it somehow trigger my trauma that leads to my toxic traits gotten worse. So this is the only time where I figure out and been aware of my traits of being entitled, prideful, self degradation and I think self absorbed. As I've read the book of Mark Manson entitled "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" it gives me more clarification about what I'm feeling. Since I was a child I'm already aware that I'm not the favorite one. I wasn't noticed often, I also wasn't receiving as much compliments my sibling were getting. So I was full of resentment and had an anger issue. I still have it right now but it not that worse anymore. When I got into a almost 2 years relationship it was also toxic to the point that there's a chain in my neck, my ex was so strict, I wasn't able to see my friends and my opinions were invalidated. I don't really know but I only know that somehow right now I'm the problem. I degrade myself so much where I don't want to talk to anybody but at the same time asking why no ones not talking to me or noticing me, I also got a problem with acceptance and letting things go. I can't even forgive myself yet because I can't accept the fact that it happened to me or people don't really care about me. It's indeed such a chaotic mind. I wish it will end or if it don't then I'm the one who's not going survive.
So.. keep in mind that I am in no way a professional. That being said... Sometimes while wanting to be accepted by others ( parents, peers, partners) we tend to ignore our own needs. Thing is those needs never truly go away. They simply come out as anger bursts when we demand to get whatever it is that we needed ( space, respect etc). But, when we've been denied something we tend to overcompensate. That starts a cycle of self deprication followed by anger bursts and then self deprication and guild because of what we just did. It's a fairly normal response and it doesn't make you a bad person, it's definetly not something you can't fix. It's good that you can see your own flaws and self reflect, try seeing what it is that you truly need. It's okay to demand respect from other people, diminishing yourself just to be accepted will never end well. That being said you can't force people to act in a certain way towards you. The only thing you can do is firmly say your needs. If they choose not to respect the boundaries that you set you don't owe them anything, walk away. Sometimes it's best for you and for them, since they too don't deserve your anger however justified it is. Also, there is no need to be so afraid of being rejected by others. If you need some time alone that is fine it's not like everyone will suddenly forget about you do be careful to act with kindness because it can end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. At the end of the day you don't owe anyone much except basic human respect, and we're all human we make mistakes and they help us better understand us and the world around us. You're on a good path and I hope you'll continue and get better :)
