CSA: just one of the many traumas of my childhood.
The memories and everything started resurfacing back in April of this year.
My mother's brother had done it. I was only 8, barely even grasping the concept of fractions, let alone sexual abuse. I only remember one of the incidents very vivdly but i'm sure there's so much more to this. I'm only 6 months into being aware, acknowledging, and somewhat understanding the trauma but I still have so much more to work on.
2 months into this self-awareness process, I decided to alert the authorities. The last thing I needed was for someone, hell even my sister, getting hurt and having to go through this pain.The case got nowhere. He was released after questioning. It didn't even make it to the D.A.'s desk. I guess I am that unbelieveable. My parents never believed me, and though they may say they do in order for my therapist not to freak out, I know they still don't. That's my mother's brother I understand it would be hard to hear and to accept. But that doesn't give you the permission to call your child a pathological liar.
Now 6 months into this self-awareness process, I am hurting. I am hurting like I never had before. I spent a month with him constantly coming over for hours. I am not validated by the people who tell me that they "love" me. I am hurting the lives of those who I let in because I thought it would be fine to let my gaurd down.
6 months into this self-awareness process, I am working. I am working on myself. Even if that means pushing away those who love and care for me, because I can't afford to lose them too. I won't let my monsters hurt them. I won't.
6 months into this self-awareness process, I am supressing. I am supressing like I never had before. I am bottling up all of the pain, trauma, abuse, tears, anger, sadness, and betrayal. I am supressing to avoid combustion. I can't afford to burst. I can't afford to actually feel what I need to feel, because then the monsters will win.
6 months into this self-awareness process, I am free. I am free of the guilt of my traumatic chilkdhood. I am free of the monsters telling me that it was my fault, that I was asking for it, that I was lying to myself. I am finally free of some of the chains I put myself in. But I will never be free of the chains placed by my parents in order to get me to supress, my abuser in order to make me hurt, and myself in order to keep my walls up.
There were so many spelling errors. I am sorry, i kinda wrote this with tears streaming down my face so i had no idea which letter was which.
@dustandgrooves That's why I never forget and never forgive, I remember what has been done to me and I will never forgive. Justice did nothing, then there was a long time that I thought life will level things out and at some point payment comes in some form, but no, that doesn't happen either as in many other unfortunate instances and examples. Left with 2 radical choices I chose to choose none of them: neither to terminatte myself or to seek revenge for myself and end up in prison just for being a victim in search of justice.
Choosing none of them and with no resolution, I am condemned to be a victim for the rest of my life, robbed of my dignity and my right to justice, replaying the events over and over and over again in my mind after decades after it happened knowing tgat I as a victim am not allowed to lift a finger to avenge myself. Aggressors are allowed to act as they please, victims are tought to take it as it is, accept it and just goon with a miserable life without veing allowed to do smth about it.