Confused
I am processing too much all at once. It feels very hard to breathe and my eyes are like leaky faucets. I would very much like to turn them off but they've never been so disobedient before. I feel less scared now but when you start yelling and insulting and finally truly calling out someone who has been mentally and verbally insulting your for years (and sometimes lightly physically) for who they are, and they block you in the room and blame you for escalating things while not letting you leave and won't back down until I say I'll call our dad who he is most afraid of because he doesn't want to get kicked out, and he knows what he has done is wrong so he doesn't want him to know because he will get kicked out for it, it is hard to not feel unsafe, I think. It took me until just a few months ago to even call it abuse. Because I feel dramatic but I also can sense that it's wrong but. Even then, when he apologizes, I feel bad and bend to an extent and I usually try to tiptoe around his own flaws and problems especially in the case of telling our dad because I was afraid that if he got kicked out he'd drink himself to death. But now I just want him to leave because I feel so unsafe and unhappy and I hate it so much. It is very selfish of me, but he is more than old enough to have his own place, and is out of college, with a job. Can't I just have my own life back? When he was gone everything was so much more calm and happy. My dad wasn't stressed all the time and I felt free.
It is faintly funny to me, although I am incapable currently of genuine laughter how much of an effect the simple words "It is okay to cry and vent as much as you want" would have on me. Maybe because I'm always try to hold back tears or cry as quietly as possible? This simple assurance from a person I did not know made me quickly stop crying it's absurd. Although I'm still a bit shaky, it's hard to breathe and my head hurts, I feel clearer, like I can function. Compared to me trying for over an hour to calm down on my own. Thank you. Now I just want something to drink. I want tea, and food. And to talk to my friends about good things, even though I can't confide in them.
I wish instead that I could be with the person who makes me feel the happiest and the safest. But likely I will never see him again,
And I am instead stuck with someone who will treat me as trash until the day they die, and someone else who does their best to support me but cannot always be around to protect me and is somewhat enabling of my abuser, partially out of ignorance and partly because they are his child.
