Dear Diary TW: sh, emotinal ab*se, mention of su*cide

Dead Diary. It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m here because this is the worst state I could be at a day like this. I was emotionally abused at the age of 11 by a guy who was older than me and was almost an adult ((16)) I met him in summer and he was a charming young man in front of other people but with me behind the Curtains he was a monster. He didn’t bully me, he abused me. Humiliation, terrorizing, gaslighting, insulting, degrading, belittling, judging, taking his anger out on me while underage drinking, telling me heavy stuff about his sexual life while I was still 12, lying to other about what was happening, manipulating, patronizing, “joking”, outbursts, unpredictability, lecturing, possessiveness and as the list goes on

This incident caused me so much trauma at just a small age until now and I’m a teenager. I’ve committed s*lf h*rm and so far have a streak of 42 days which is my longest by far.

TW: mention of su*c*de

I’ve had countless nightmares, panic attacks, even attempted to end my life at some points not only that but it took a huge toll on my life and I mean a huge one effected my grades and overall social life. Not only did I have countless panic attacks during school and horrible meltdowns that lead me to be in the counselors office more than anyone. I’ve had disgusting side effects in my physical health and mental health in general. My family have noticed I’ve told my mom and she wasn’t 100% understanding nor did she even try to help me.

ive had two incidents of abuse one with someone who physically and emotionally damaged me with his alcoholism and anger issues. He’d smash plates in front of me, break windows, glass, get into physical fights even jail and once brook and entire room infront of my 8 year old eyes

when trying to confront my abuser (the 16 year old boy) he blamed it on me, caused me to drop on my knees not being able to breathe on a call with my friends to comfort me. Not only that but he brought in someone else ((his girlfriend)) to patronize me and bring in my personal and pick on the worst of my triggers while feeding her lies about the situation.

not only did he give me nothing but coldness his mouth was able to spit nothing but disgusting venom. He was with friends smoking some cigarettes when he blew up on me causing me to panic to my mom when trying to tell her to the point I was so dizzy and In the moment of passing out.

this incident, this disgusting incident ruined my life and ruined my health in every single way it can. I remember especially going on a fancy trip with my family and thinking about this situation the whole time. I was in the pool panicking when getting flashbacks talking to my mom about therapy while sobbing and almost telling my father at the dinner table what happened and ending up in me getting one of the worst nightmares that night when it was supposed to be the most trip I was looking forward to.

Because of this situation I’m dealing with a sleep disorder and bad anxiety.

here I am in New Year’s Eve in my bed with a chest ache writing this as it’s Raining. Emotional abuse is a daily battle in my head with a broken sword and wounded horse against a dangerous army of sharp knives and armors.

the fact that he also gaslighted me so much that even after all this time and all this trauma I still wonder if I’m just crazy and this is all in my head or if I’m truly a real victim. I feel like I’m an attention seeker who just wants to be fed pity. But I know deep down my pain is real and it’s worse than anyone could imagine.

however even after all that I still choose to wake up everyday and get out of my bed. Even when I can’t I try my best for the people I love and that love me

Happy New Years and stay safe 💞