Dear Me
Dear Me,
Your going through a tough time right now and your starting to feel pretty hopeless because your trying things to help you feel better but none of it seems to be working and to say the least, that would be very frustrating for anyone.
But its very important that you dont take that frustration out on me. I am all you have and I really am trying.
I think we just need to be work together more closely and stop fighting each other. I get that your finding it hard to be motivated as I feel anyone feeling so low would be but staying in bed all the time is not going to help either.
You want more from life, your happier when your productive, and im hopful that you will feel better if we can get into a routine of being more active.
I also think we need to be more forgiving....I forgive you, I forgive you for dragging your feet every time I try to do something ,I forgive you for finding things so hard because its not your fault.
So we need to start a plan...
1)Studies have shown that social media and constantly being online can add to anxiety. So we need to start limiting our time online.
2) you are a good person but like all humans you make mistakes which make you feel really guilty and add to these awful feelings. So what we need to do is make an extra effort not to do things we feel bad about. This is selfdestructive behaviour and this needs to stop.
3)you need to take better care of yourself. You need to try and smoke less. You need to brush your teeth every morning and night. Take more effort in your appearance.
4)when make you promises to yourself and others you need to try and be more mindful of keeping them.
5)contact old friends, I know your feeling guilty about not contacting them in so long and your afraid that they wont want to have anything to do with you. But not contacting them is not making you feel any better.
6) make an extra effort to be tidier. Studies have shown that an untidy enviroment can add to those feeling of anxiety. And I get it when your feeling so low its hard to have the motivation to do this but thats a vicious cycle, less you do the less motivation you will have.
7) be thankful. You have alot going for you, there are oppurtunities out there if you just grasp them. Make a list even just a mental list every night of what your thankful for.
8) less caffeine, I know your tired but caffeine adds to anxiety.
9) be honest with yourself, make an extra effort to deal with things.
10) dont focus on your failings, your a work in progress instead celebrate the little things,give yourself credit for making an effort. This isnt easy and your not going to feel better over night ,even with pills but your trying.
Life is for living, its for grasping with both hands. You have been through alot ,youve been through way worse than this so I know you can get through this too. <3
Love,
Me
Its time to go back to the doctor again tomorrow. Gotta make sure we politely but firmly state our case and see where we are on the waiting list.
Somethings definitely not feeling right and unless we get that test there wont be any reassurances.
Well done on not panicking when your eyes went blurry. Also alot of pains in the chest. I dont know if we did the right thing by staying in the course during that......I dont know its hard to know whats "normal" and what should be considered dangerous but the blurry eyes were scary. Especially when it happened while I was just sitting there listening and not thinking any anxious thoughts at all.
It did get better and later on when I started to feel like I was loosing breath while meeting my friend that actually felt reassuring,haha which I know is weird but it helped reassure me that possibly it is just the anxiety issues in the brain.
Mentally we did really well today but physically the discomfort is at a 6,its not pain ,its just uncomfortable but its been getting worse.
I feel like if we go back to her that she'll definitely do something even if its just to reassure me that all is fine. I dont think I would be so concerned if I didnt have the few secs of blindness a few weeks ago...
Its time to listen to my instincts and to hell with the little voice that worries im over reacting. Even if we are overreacting wont do any harm in this case. At least if we have the test we can have reassurances and can find out more details and maybe ways of coping if this is a long-term thing im stuck with.
Things to be grateful for today!
-being able to stay calm
-meeting our friend, it was fun despite the physical discomfort
-a freakin amazing dinner, wow that was just devine and you deserved the treat.
-being able to help others with their coursework
-being told we are good at our job by a supervisor and given an extra role which meams extra money ( we are obviously scarily good at hiding times when we are struggling)
If we werent feeling so uncomfortable, today would have been classed as a really great day and we deserved that after having such a shit day yesterday <3
@indigoBeing9907 I love this. Thank you for this. It's perfect.
@igoback622
Im glad you liked it, its important to try and be selfcompassionate <3
No doctors appointment available today, which is disappointing but I guess it can wait until monday.
Woke up today in a pool of sweat....physical symtoms and discomfort at the moment is at 3.
Important thing right now is to remain calm, my body might be freaking the hell out but if we can stay positive and try and not let all of this hold us back then we will have lots to be proud off.
Deep breaths and keep reminding yourself that your doing the best you can and this cant last forever <3
Okay Darlin,
We are at a level 7 of discomfort and I feel we need to be honest. It just dawned on me what be part of the issue and I feel like I might have struck a nerve....its been nearly a year since we were last raped. And I genuinely ,thought because we have been able to speak about it out loud that we had dealt with it. But maybe thats part if whats making all of this more unbearable and the more im typing this, I can see the truth in that.
Also today, is meant to be a special day but its just reminding you about how far away you are from the life you want to have. You thought you could shrug of that want in you that is lonely and so badly wants a family even though your brain worries that your too broken to have a healthy relationship never mind children.
The truth is that right now your in alot of pain, and its not helping that your damaged brain is having a shit fit right now and you cant get get control over whats going on right now.
Im sorry all this happened to you and now im crying typing this but I can also feel a small bit of tension releasing.
Maybe we need to talk more about this in the future and to be honest about our wants and our fears.
Im trying really hard to love you more, I dont really blame you,it wasnt your fault.
Chin up, stay safe,
Me
Went to the doctors today and broke down. But I feel a bit better, she was so good and reassured me. She believes its due to physical issues and wanted me to go to the hospital for emergency evaluation as I have been having issues with my eyes and chest pains.
Im feeling a bit numb right now but hopeful.
Things I am thankful for
-Having caring, patient friends.
-Being able to function reasonably well
-For my dog 🐕joy of my life
-being able to sleep pretty well
- Having a good doctor who seems to really care
-For being able to stay calm even when my body is freaking out :)
Things are hopefully going to start looking up ❤
Darlin, you were right the discomfort your feeling is coming from a physical cause. Im not sure why im so happy about that, I guess it makes me feel less crazy.
A plan is going to be put in place now and hopefully its going to make everything more manageable.
Downside it looks like its chronic and something you are going to have to manage longterm....its going to take a while to process that and the ramifications of it.....
Things to be grateful for
-A patient, understanding employee
-I know ive mentioned this before but im so proud of us for being able to remain calm ❤
-good friend who was able to bring me supplies
-will hopefully soon be able to be released
-good medical professionals looking after me and being very understanding and helpful and explaining things very well to me
-tests not showing anything worse so far
Love,
Me<3
I'm so excited and in shock and happier than ive been in months or longer!!!! I just found out I got a placement I really,really wanted but fept sure I didnt get up because I messed up the interview so badly...I mean I had a panic attack during it, couldnt talk properly.. ..it was such a train wreck...but I got it...wow I got it!!!this means so much to me ,its amazing and im doing a lil victory dance!! Going to enjoy this moment and think about all the things im going to have to do and arrangements im going to have make etc. Tommorow. Right now its score won for me and this is a huge victory!!! Wahoo!
This morning I was crying tears of worry and despair,but now I feel tears of joy in my eyes...you really dont ever know whats around the corner and thats why its so important never to give up hope!❤
I feel like ive blown what happened as a child way out of proportion, cause the thing I dont really blame the guy that did it. He was only young,only a few years older than me and I believe it was his norm, I think he was abused and only doing to us what somepne else did to him, he didnt mean no harm, I dont think he realised how wrong it was, because I know I didnt when it started.
Sometimes I think im over it but then it plays on my mind, especially when I see how it affects someone else it happened too.
Then there are all the other awful things that happened too....I think anyone who has had so many different traumatic incidents perpratated by so many different people would find it hard not to blame themselves. I mean there has to be something, maybe it was my drinking....maybe I have give off a vulnerable signal....
I dont know, im sorry I dont like when I think like this.....its a beautiful sunny day,I should be happy.
Things im grateful for
-living close to the beach
-Being able to swim
-having many happy memories too
-having been loved
-the sunshine
-being given the career opportunity I want
❤
My mind is full of distractions, whirring around little facts, like did you know Ivanka Trump( the first lady of the US got granted an Einstein visa in 2001 which allowed her to stay in America and apply for citizenship. An Einstein Visa is granted to those who have shown extraordinary ability" and "sustained national and international acclaim" in their field of excellence.I've been research this all night because there is spmething very hyprocritical about rhe first lady being a relatively recent immigrant to america and who recieved her visa under sketchy circumstances while her husband is rallying against immigrants and putting policies in place which make it harder for them.https://www.google.ie/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/amp/world-us-canada-43256318
This is the kinda stuff I do when im struggling, my mind focusses on other things, things that also bother me but to alot lesser extent because its not personal. Its why I know alot of stuff about random things.
I get it, I get why right now im struggling and my minds all over the place and why right now I just want to stay in bed forever. Its been a year since I was raped, my subconcious is obviously very aware of that because it took me a while to figure out what was going on. But certain dates have been triggering, its like replaying what happened on that date last year and wanting to protect myself. Wanting to stop her from talking to him. Wanting to tell her to go home after work. Dont drink. Dont walk home. Dont drink what he is giving you.Its drugged!Dont tell your housemate,its going to cause friction between you and him. Dont howl that sound is going to replay over and over in your mind constantly..you never thought a sound like that could come from you........be strong.
This too shall pass <3
Sorry typo Freudian slip or something but I meant Melania Trump. Really wish you could edit your own posts on here wpuld give you so much more feeling of control, imeand it wpuldnt cause too much confision if a text showed up the time and date of edit...just a thought!
Dear Me,
When I look at you I am proud of how far you have come. Life is a journey God will give you enough peace, strength and courage for the rest of the journey. I got you even when it is cold and lonely and dark. No matter how broken you may feel I love you.
PS: I love you
@LoverofLove14
Thats a really powerful self help message to yourself❤
@indigoBeing9907 Thanks. I am working on self love and the learning the power of positive thoughts and words.
I am very hopeful at this stage of my life after all the shades od darkenss I have seen in the past season of my life
@LoverofLove14
Yeah everything tends to get a bit easier when when your able to be self compassionate and have good self esteem and able to treat yourself like you would any good friend.
@indigoBeing9907
Typo correction
Meant:
*shades of darkness
