Dear Me
Dear Me,
Your going through a tough time right now and your starting to feel pretty hopeless because your trying things to help you feel better but none of it seems to be working and to say the least, that would be very frustrating for anyone.
But its very important that you dont take that frustration out on me. I am all you have and I really am trying.
I think we just need to be work together more closely and stop fighting each other. I get that your finding it hard to be motivated as I feel anyone feeling so low would be but staying in bed all the time is not going to help either.
You want more from life, your happier when your productive, and im hopful that you will feel better if we can get into a routine of being more active.
I also think we need to be more forgiving....I forgive you, I forgive you for dragging your feet every time I try to do something ,I forgive you for finding things so hard because its not your fault.
So we need to start a plan...
1)Studies have shown that social media and constantly being online can add to anxiety. So we need to start limiting our time online.
2) you are a good person but like all humans you make mistakes which make you feel really guilty and add to these awful feelings. So what we need to do is make an extra effort not to do things we feel bad about. This is selfdestructive behaviour and this needs to stop.
3)you need to take better care of yourself. You need to try and smoke less. You need to brush your teeth every morning and night. Take more effort in your appearance.
4)when make you promises to yourself and others you need to try and be more mindful of keeping them.
5)contact old friends, I know your feeling guilty about not contacting them in so long and your afraid that they wont want to have anything to do with you. But not contacting them is not making you feel any better.
6) make an extra effort to be tidier. Studies have shown that an untidy enviroment can add to those feeling of anxiety. And I get it when your feeling so low its hard to have the motivation to do this but thats a vicious cycle, less you do the less motivation you will have.
7) be thankful. You have alot going for you, there are oppurtunities out there if you just grasp them. Make a list even just a mental list every night of what your thankful for.
8) less caffeine, I know your tired but caffeine adds to anxiety.
9) be honest with yourself, make an extra effort to deal with things.
10) dont focus on your failings, your a work in progress instead celebrate the little things,give yourself credit for making an effort. This isnt easy and your not going to feel better over night ,even with pills but your trying.
Life is for living, its for grasping with both hands. You have been through alot ,youve been through way worse than this so I know you can get through this too. <3
Love,
Me
I dont know what to do right now......part of me feels like im making a big deal over nothing, I mean for fck sake come on so fcking what if this time last year you were in pain, what do you want a medal for getting through it? Just stop and get the hell over it stop being so fckinf dramatic all the time.
Then the other part is sitting waiting for these feeling to pass. Understands them, gets the anger ,knows really that the anger should be directed to those who caused this awful hurt.
I get why trauma can cause some people DID, there have been times when ive felt the pull myself. Its all so conflicting there can be too many emotions. I think right now its ok to hive myself permission to have a few off days but its important to remember my life doesnt revolve around this...I have things I want to do, opportunities to grasp.
This is hard right now but it will get easier <3
Up, up and out, new day and all that jazz, spent long enough moping now.
Plan-,clean car(its raining but really needs to get done)
-go visiting
-cook dinner
-do course work
-go to bed early coz you gotta get up early in the morning.
I know I said I was going and leaving but maybe rightnow im not ready to go just yet...
But im going to make an extra effortnot to get suked into thinking about allthe bad stuff all the time.
I just recognised a reason for a behaviour I hadnt been able to identify before. I tend to do things which make me feel guilty when im feeling bad or struggling. I think I do this as self punishment.I go into kind of selfish mode and even if it effects others,likenot meeti.g up with them when I say I will....I do it because part of me wants them to think badly of me. I need to work on this....
I need to start fully participating in life again , I need to grasp the opportunities that are before me and stop fucking things up!
@indigoBeing9907
I am glad you you are here, I like you 💖
@MaschaV
Aw thank you, you seem like a very nice person too :)
You know what, I'm lucky, I dont tend to get flashbacks anymore as such, not the ones where im stuck there anyway, no I still have memories though.
One that's lingering with me today is when I was in the crisis centre, all bruised and broken up. And they were taking picture of the bruises and the ones on my legs looked like hand prints and the howl out of me. That awful wail of pain I made involuntarily and the look of panic on the nurse....
The way they tried to take blood but no matter how many times they tried they couldnt get it....
The silent taxi ride home....the sinking feeling ...wanting to disappear, not wanting to face my flatmate....
They were very kind and I was lucky to have such kind people around me....
I hate right now that I have to fight for my zest for life....I have to try to motivate myself daily to keep going and not hide away...
I just want things to get easier.......
@indigoBeing9907
Oh Indigo! You are doing such an amazing job! If I could hug you from here I would. Until you feel that it is all good.
I see you loving on other people here and you do that so well! Your genuine love is almost tangible.
You might not have DID but part of you has been really hurt and damaged. Can you try and love yourself that way? I am close to crying for you. You are so worth that same love!
@MaschaV
Thank you,
I felt the hug and cried healing tears.🌹
@indigoBeing9907
You are so welcome!
@indigoBeing9907
I am so sorry you have experienced this a year ago and Im so sorry youve been struggling with the memories.
Its so horrible that that happened and my heart goes out to you. Im not surprised that its been a tough year for you and youre still feeling the pain now and struggling to find the zest for life again.
I hope you can find some support here. You deserve it and sounds like you need it too! <3
@WaterLily16
Thank you for your kind words, sorry mine are so few
Thank you
❤❤❤
Its the howl I cant get out of my head, I was like something possessed, I howled another time either before that happened or after, I think it was before I went to the centre.
My flatmate had just gone looking for my phone and I started howling when he left.
It wasnt a concious howl, it was something deep in me.....it was like all of the pain in me from all of the hurt all over the years had built up and that was the sound of it rising and it scared me.
And im crying typing this because there is still so much pain simmering in me and im not sure if im ever going to heal it.
I so badly want to do well , I so badly want to have a good life....there are lots of opportunities in front of me and the only thing really stopping me is me and I wish I could just get the hell out of my own way.
Feel it again by Hudson Taylor
https://youtu.be/jNslgqS2aJY
I used to dance at the devil's feet
He made me feel like I never wanna go home
I thought he'd save my soul
Sipping at the bottom of an empty glass
No I don't remember going to hell and back
But I know
I was out of control
I don't wanna do this anymore
Gotta pick myself up off the floor
Let it rain
Let it pour
Let the tears come down like a waterfall
I'd rather live with the pain than die feeling nothing at all
Throw another penny in the wishing well
One for the road and I tell myself to go home
It's better than being alone
Heart as cold as a block of ice
Playing with fire and I don't think twice
But I know
I'm sippin' away my soul
I don't wanna do this anymore
Gotta pick myself up off the floor
Let it rain
Let it pour
Let the tears come down like a waterfall
I'd rather live with the pain than die feeling nothing at all
So come on
Let it in
'Cause you can't feel love till you jump right in
So whenever it hits me I'm ready to feel it again
La, la la la
La la la
La la la
La, la la la
La la la
La, la la la
La la la
La la la
La, la la la
Let it rain
Let it pour
Let the tears come down like a waterfall
I'd rather live with the pain than die feeling nothing at all
So come on
Let it in
'Cause you can't feel love till you jump right in
So whenever it hits me I'm ready to feel it again
So whenever it hits me I'm ready to feel it again
So whenever it hits me I'm ready to feel it again
@indigoBeing9907
i wanted to tell u that your brave
and to thank you for always helping me
@sincereJar9515
Thats very kind of you, im just venting ,having a bad day and thats ok,tomorrow will be a better one.
No need to thank me at all,i'm honoured that i'm allowed on the beach ❤
❤🌹🌺🌷🐈🐶🍁🌸🐢🐳🐚🐟 🐡🐙🌈🌻