Domestic abuse from husband and PTSD

Hello,

I'm new here. My name is Bianca and I have recently gotten out of a domestic abuse situation after my husband was arrested and receiving a protection order. The incident that got him arrested was dragging me out of our house and across concrete which causee abrasions on my back. He then locked me outside. In the past he tried to rape me and then told me I wouldn't be able to prove anything to anyone. Since he's been gone, I've been struggling with loneliness and thinking this is my fault. I also keep thinking that maybe I want him back. I want him to come back home and treat me right. But I know this is not going to happen. I feel like my life has been turned upside down. I just don't know why I feel this way. I should be happy I don't have to deal with an abuser anymore but Im not. I can't sleep. I wake up several times a night thinking he's in the house. Im scared. I just want to be happy.