Don't know what to do anymore
I am hurting, like really bad. I live with someone who doesn't let me get the adequate support I need. I have to keep it all in and tell no one. Listeners tend to be no help either and I feel alone coping with all of this on my own. I am told if I said harm I will be kicked out but it's not like that is a good thing either I have no money, no job, no nothing. I would be homeless and in a worse situation. I am starting to lose faith in recovery and things ever getting better. I have issues with being touched, certain looks, or words, its all hard and have no where to process it. I don't know what to do anyone my pain and hurt and suffering is starting to get unbearable, I am not suicidal by no means, as I know that it ends the chance of things getting better, but will things get better if I can't get the help? I mean I lose hours, a day, or days of my memory and it's scary and I know that it will not get better until I reach out to someone and talk to someone. I am really scared of what is going to happen with me. I worry all the time about getting flashback or getting hurt again. I don't think I can take anymore traumatic events in my life. I've been so much already!! But I don't know what to do, I know I keep saying this but this is all just train of though I am sorry if the grammar or sentence structure is poor I don't feel right and I don't care as much about that. I feel so alone, broken and hurt from all of this, I just want to give myself the best chance of getting better but I can't. Not to mention my nightmares have been so bad and so realistic, it's hard to wake up and tell myself it's not real because it seems so real and I hate it.
@Tryingtobefree98 Hey Free, Im so sorry your hurting badly right now. I wish you werent and you must feel very alone with all you feel. Its good to see you starting a diary thread and perhaps through this you can feel some kind of support from others. I know it may not cure or fix things but something knowing theres someone else out there who cares, can mean something, can help to alleviate that lonliness that you may feel having to bear all this by yourself.
You mentioned your currently living with someone who doesn't allow you to get the adequate support you need. In what ways do they prevent you from getting the support you deserve and need? Is there anything that can change with regards this situation which would enable you to get the resources and support you would like?
Im sorry too that you feel the listeners are not able to help you. They are here for you to listen, to support and to care because you matter. Perhaps keep trying to find that listener that you are able to click with. I guess in life, we dont always get on with everyone, we are all unique with different personality types. But people do want to be here for you, even if they cant make everything right in your life. I hope you will keep reaching out and find that person you feel can appreciate your struggles.
It must feel hard to feel held to something such as not self harming in order to stay in the place you are in and asking someone who self harms not too, when it may be their only way of coping is like asking someone not to eat any food but to keep going. Being homeless is one problem you could well do without but Im wondering if there's any way a professional could talk to the person who has said about no self harm and to explain what this is about for you, perhaps you could consider explaining to them how it makes you feel to be held to conditions that you may well find difficult to stick with?
Reaching out and talking to someone is scary because you put yourself in a vulnerable position and its often been vulnerability as a child that has led to people being hurt and let down so its not surprizing that even as an adult, that would be a frightening prospect. However, I guess not reaching out means you kind of stay alone and stuck? Reaching out could lead to you finding that support you need and not reaching out means you could miss out on that. You have to feel ready to reach out when it feels safe for you to do so but recovery, healing and working on why you lose time, and being much more aware of whats happening in your life day to day etc can improve, can get better. This is not something I say just to make it sound as if things will be instantly fixed because it wont and doesnt work like that. There will be tough times, painful and hurtful times along the way, times when you will want to run, want to forget possibly but healing also brings with it life, hope, and living instead of existing and suffering. Healing can bring comfort. I know you may struggle right now to think things can get better, but with time, patience and support it really can, and having support can help you on that journey. Keep hanging in there Free 
@dancingRainbow45
The problem is they are so controlling, they won't let me go to therapy (they are my means of transportation) unless I sign a release of information meaning they could get information about we I would talk about and well it's scary I don't want help to know anything. Not to mention the stiff they have put me through. It's bad enough he asks me prying questions about my past sexual assaults I don't need him knowing it all.
@Tryingtobefree98
@Tryingtobefree98 Hey Free thanks for replying. When you say they are so controlling who are you meaning? The person who prevents you getting the support you would like? If you get support such as counselling, there would be a confidentiality clause between you and a counsellor, and its a similar process for others kinds of support. You could always check out with someone you consider getting help from what their confidentiality clause is. You do not have to tell anyone anything you dont wish to and its wrong for others to put pressure on you to share things before you are ready to.
I really don't know where else to post this but I really trust this forum/subcommunity so much that I would rather post it here. I am worried, not a little but a lot, so many emotions/voices going through my head about this. I had an MRI done because I have been having frequent headaches, I didn't expect anything to happen from there, didn't expect for them to find anything but they did. I found out I have a cyst on my brain and that I have had a small stroke, which is unexplained. I am scared really scared because they told me that I need to see the neurologist in person to talk more about it. It's hard because as I am feeling so many emotions right now, and the switching is actually noticeable by other people, typically it's not very easy to be not noticeable but we try hard People are noticing and judging and it just feels like things are just getting worse instead of better. Like my whole life is crashing down
@Tryingtobefree98
Well, that is worrying, and it's understandable that it's hit you hard. It's easy for me to say, I'm not in your position, but do try to just take it one day at a time. Try to avoid going down the route of thinking about every possible scenario with your health. You sound like you're in capable hands. It's good that you have a neurologist to see you, and that you have access to such good healthcare.
You talk about people judging you, and noticing things you try to hide. Is there someone you feel you could be open with, so you have at least one person who's fully informed and who you could lean on? People may judge what they don't understand or what they find unusual, but if you can be honest about what's going on for you, I imagine you will find compassion and caring.
Dont be afraid to reach out on here too. Yes it's a worrying time for you, but you're not alone. You can share your feelings without fear of judgement. And you can be certain of warmth and compassion. My thoughts are with you.
Last night I went into the hospital for my headaches because they where so miserable, they treated me for brain swelling just in case but I still worry that the stress of things like trauma are making this worse on me. They want be to really take it easy until I see my neurologist but yesterday was so scary! I just want to get better and not have to deal with this.
@Tryingtobefree98
**HUGS** Your strong free, I am sorry its all so scary atm <3 <3 <3
