Facing Love

I Touched My Boyfriend Today (happy story time!)

TW: sex, trauma, panic

I've had traumatic experiences with sexual contact in the past. I have a boyfriend, Alex, who I've fallen in love with. He's kind and gentle and patient and he has all the communication skills I wish I had. We have sex, but I am scared of touching him below his upper back / chest and especially his penis. I freeze, panic, and dissociate.

Alex and I decided to start some self-directed exposure therapy. Thankfully we both studied psychology and he just completed a Masters' in counseling services, so we have a have a good idea of what to do. For now, my goals are to face my fears to the point where I feel comfortable touching most of his body, including his penis, with the hopes that I can give him a handjob in the near future.

We tried it today. I was laying with him, big spoon with my hand on his chest. It's easier if he isn't watching me and I don't have to make eye contact with him. He put his hand on top of mine and guided it down next to his naval. I felt the anxiety starting. My heart was clenched and pounding, it seemed harder to breath. I focused on taking deep breaths to calm down and kept telling myself I'm safe and he won't hurt me or make me do anything I don't want to do. When he could feel I'd calm down enough, he'd move my hand down a couple inches. I'd feel the anxiety shoot up again and try to work it down as much as I could, but the closer I got, the less it would go down. Then I moved down a little and I could feel a bend in the skin where his belly ended and I couldn't make myself move it any further. He picked up my hand and moved it right next to his penis. At that point, my anxiety was nearing terror and panic.

I thought we'd stay there for at least a few minutes, but a moment later he moved my hand onto it. The moment i felt it I wanted to pull my hand back, but I didn't. I let him put my hand down on it. It was terror. I felt my whole body tense and curl in. I couldn't think. I was shaky. I started sweating a lot. I knew I should try and take some deep breaths but I couldn't make myself breathe. It felt like a long time, but it was probably only a minute. But Alex realized that it was too much and he picked my hand up and moved it back to his chest. He rubbed my hand and I took some shallow breaths. I made myself start breathing deeper and he comforted me while I calmed down. He kept asking me if I was okay and apologized for going 'too far'.

It was really scary, but I think he went just far enough. He pushed me in a way I wouldn't have faced myself. I went up to my limit, was able to sit in it for a moment, then we left it and I was able to calm down. I faced something I was really afraid of and nothing bad happened. A few minutes later, and a strangely euphoric feeling came over me. I still have a lot of work to do, but this felt life-changing. I put my trust in him and he was very careful and attentive to me.

I'm slowly learning that I can feel safe and trust and get past the hurt I've experienced.

As an aside, please let me know if you have any advice for me going forward.

I could use some more tools for coping in the moment. I also need to think of a way to signal to him if it's gone too far and he hasn't noticed because a lot of the time I can't talk. Like instead of a "safeword" a "safe non-verbal cue" that I can give even when I'm at full panic.