First birthday

some of you may think that i'm talking about when i turned one, in case, i dont remember that.

Emotionally speaking, this year marks my first birthday, that in 3 days i'm turning 28, however it will be my first birthday without abuse.
I don't know how to have a good birthday though because i've never had one.

I know that it may sound strange or unbelievable, but when you ask every year "will his gift to me be a day, just a day without abuse?" and yet every year you wind up empty, feeling unworthy and unloved, that for one day a year you ask for him not to abuse you, not to yell at you, maybe that one day you wish that next year would be different. I bet other children got the ponies or the toy they wished for, but you never got your wish.

So I don't know how to have a good birthday, i can't listen to them sing me happy birthday without feeling this emptiness inside and start crying. that every year i would never get my wish, except this year when they're not a part of it.

Still it leaves me feeling worthless, empty, alone, despite people doing everything they can to show me how much i matter to them, how my birth is something to celebrate, when it never has been up until now, the first year, my first birthday, except with the tar of trauma holding me down.

and so rather being filled with excitement and happiness, i still feel that dread, that anger, that fear, that i dont know how to feel any other way towards this event, the day i was born, because it was just like any other day, full of abuse, pain, heartache that part of me regrets the day i was born, part of hates it because it was never seen as something good, worthwhile, something that mattered, that i never felt like my birth was significant, not even to my mother who didnt even try to not dissociate on my birthday, left me feeling worthless, unwanted and alone.

So i try to be happy on my birthday, i try to not dread it, but also, i don't know how not to.