He Admited it, & Got Away *Sexual Assaults*
*Sexual assault, mild trigger warning*
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- Part 1
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BACKGROUND:
I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 17 to the age of 19. It was sexually and verbally abusive as well as very controlling. I was religious at the start of our relationship. Then, he raped me. Then he would rape me as punishment for going to church or talking to male friends. He made me feel like I was used trash that nobody would want to be with after him. At one point, he had even manipulated my mind to believe that it was me who raped him! Abuse can do some wild, tricky things. I was able to leave before I lost all contact with the outside.
Several years later I started to see one of my coworkers. There was one night where I had consented to be intimate with him, at first. But then I asked him to stop because he was hurting me. His response was "Not yet." I then told him to stop more forcefully to which he responded "Just a little longer." This is a different kind of sexual assault. I questioned myself over and over if I should be upset about it or not. I decided to break it off with him. Then, he stalked me and begged me to come back to him. I knew from his behavior that what he had done was wrong.
I changed after that. I decided that I wanted to take back my body and to do that I chose to sleep around. I must say, the folks I slept with during this time all respected my boundaries. The problem was when one man wouldn't let me go.
Part 2
The Assault (in brief).
I met him on tinder. We both consented to one 'fun' morning. It was less than amazing, to be honest. He asked if he could keep me on Snapchat and I said yes. I wish I had said no.
One day he asked "Do you want to hang out? I know a locked classroom on campus (; ." I said "I have an hour before work. But I'm not interested in doing anything sexual." He said "That's fine!" He met me at my place and we went for a walk. He showed me the classroom he had mentioned. Man, I wish I had seen what was so clearly coming.
We went and I immediately felt unsafe.
He pushed me against a wall and started to kiss my mouth. I told him to stop. He kissed my neck. I told him that was enough. He kissed my chest, started to unbutton my shirt, and lift my shirt. I pushed him back and said "Stop. Now." I went and sat in a chair. Ooh how I wish I hadn't sat in a chair with arm rests. He came and sat in the chair next to me. Then he turned my chair and pulled me into his chair. He grabbed my wrists against the arm rests. I was trapped. My ankle-length shirt was pulled too tight to move my knees. He had himself pressed against them anyways. I couldn't move from side to side because of the arm rests. The back of the chair was behind me and he was in front of me.. in front of me.. on top of me... kissing me again.
I was so scared that I pushed him so forcefully back down into his chair, sliding him back, that I could stand up. I ran right out of the room and all the way home.
Part 3 ( Final)
The Worst Wasn't Over.
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I avoided him and the memories for a month until I found out that he had been sexually harassing my best friend as her TA and caused her to fail her class. I decided at that point that I needed to be brave and to report him.
I went in to the schools legal office. Now, this isn't the real police, just the schools system. But the consequences for him being found guilty would be loss of his military status and having to pay back every penny the military paid for school. This next part is really shortened.
I reported what he did to me and my friend. They interviewed people in my life about what the (Severe) impact of what he did was on me. They interviewed him. Then they asked me back in to review his statement with the legal representative. The woman in front of me read me his statement. She said "He said that he continued to kiss and undress you after you said stop, but that he was just testing the waters." I had never heard this term before. Apparently it's ok to kiss someone in a NEW spot after they tell you to stop. If you go back and see, he admitted that he continued to kiss and undress me after I said no.
One year later, after he and I both had graduated, they sent me a letter. "There was not enough evidence to support that Mr.Soandso had violated University policies regarding sexual harassment or sexual assault." A supposedly 'Zero Tolerance Policy.'
He admitted it, but got away with it.
Some of the after effects:
-I'm afraid of everybody.
-There are so many memories and triggers of abuse in my town that I am afraid to leave my house
-I can't work
-I can't focus on my online graduate school work
-All my (few remaining) relationships are weak and I struggle to trust anyone
-I feel like life is not worth it and I fight everyday to stay alive.
@sensibleDime5187 don't give up, you will find this community v supportive and helpful. We will heal slowly one step at a time.. doesn't matter..and your thoughts and emotions matter
@energeticPenny8 thank you! <3
@sensibleDime5187 Hello. You were brave enough to step forward and share this with us. Congratulations for that. I undestand your position completely. I was also religious by my own choice and saving myself for marriage/engagement, but my abuser, whom I was in a relationship with, didn't allow that to happen. My life went downhill after that. I'm dealing with PTSD and chronic pain now, and receiving CBT therapy is doing wonders for me. The effects those traumatic events had in you sound too familiar to me. I hope you can take yourself and the way you feel as valid because that's the first step to recovery.
Abusers can easily play with our minds because they are manipulative beyond what we are capable of and make us think we want that or it was our fault, but it's not.
Stay strong, and be patient with yourself. :)
@StarMadeCake
Wow! We had very similar experiences! Thank you for sharing with me and encouraging me! I'm happy to hear that CBT has helped you ! Maybe I should seek the same (:
@sensibleDime5187 Yes, indeed. This issue is more common than communities acknowledge, I believe.
It's not impossible to see the light after we've been through, it's not impossible to find peace even when you still have episodes when you don't trust anyone or are too afraid to open up/try to love again.
Typo: Understand* whoops!
@sensibleDime5187 hey darling!
I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. You clearly didnt deserve it and we understand it must be very difficult to cope with.
Its clearly understandable that you experience these symptoms. Its often very hard to concentrate at work or school when youre having lots of things on your mind and to trust others again after you got hurt so bad. But i want you to know, that these things arent permanent and with time you ll be okay 
The Trauma community is here for you and we will support you as much as we can on your recovery path 
Please know you are not alone and that this is your safe place <3
If you need anyone to talk to or anything else, remember that we listen anytime (and feel free to message me also anytime :))
I wish you the best, and take care!
@Hope3729
Thank you so much for your warm words! I can't wait for the day when I can say the same thing to someone else and truly believe it. < 3 you are appreciated!