He saved my life but at what cost?
TW: sexual assault and mention of suicide
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Life saving sexual assault
Sounds pretty strange. I'm so confused how these two things can go hand in hand. When I think about a person saving another ones life it seems heroic. And I'm most cases in my life it was. This time though, this time was different. It's been almost a year now, since my roommates left for an extended vacation, unknowingly leaving me vulnerable to my own mind. I had spoken to him before about my fears of being alone. Told him about my plans, how I was waiting for the right time to do it. My dr, being ignorant to mental illness, had given me the perfect prescription I needed to end my life. Even after i told her about my previous trauma and suicidal ideation. So when my roommates left, he called and said he was coming over to keep me company. stay until they returned. I said ok but I have no desire to sleep with you, just to be clear. He said that is fine. The first 5 days things seemed to go well, I started to trust that he was really just there as a good friend. On the sixth night, as we slept next to each other in a large bed, out of nowhere he jumps on top of me and uses all his weight (a good amount more than mine) to hold me down and tries to kiss me and puts his hands all over my body as I just lay there, frozen. At some point convince him I need to go to the bathroom and hide in there until he falls back asleep.
How can someone who seems to legitimately be trying to save my life, also be so willing to make it even more miserable to live? I have all these conflicting feelings.
Hi there
I'm so sorry all that happened to you and I can't begin to imagine
I definitely can relate in the doctor giving you things you could easily use to harm yourself
But what stuck out with your post for me was that, yea definitely it must be infuriating trying to understand someone doing something so bad and good
And I know this may sound bad I'm sorry
But did he really save your life?
Bc to me he just sounds selfish, anyone who would try to hurt another person like that to me is just selfish and definitely in the wrong here
I understand he made you not alone and I get that feeling it's perfectly ok to no want to be alone in such a tough time
But to me his motivations seem just bad all around
So did he really help you? I'm not trying to invalidate your experience I know what it's like someone helping you and hurting you
But my main worry is for you right now. You went through a traumatic event because of him. That's probably going to cause you psychological pain for time to come.
So to me it just sounds pike he hurt your life, not saved it
Whether his motivations were good in the beginning or whatever he still hurt you and that's not okay.
Could I ask how things are now? Are you away from him? Have you told anybody about the assault that you're comfortable telling?
Know you're not alone and we are here for you in the trauma fam
💜💜💜💜
@wittySpruce8187
Hi thank you for your response. I appreciate you asking tough questions and don't feel as though you were invalidating my feelings at all.
I do believe that he stopped me from attempting suicide and after it happened it was almost kind of a distraction from thinking about suicide because I was more focused in trying to understand what happened.
I definitely agree that he just caused more pain. Is it also wrong to feel glad he was there though? I'm glad someone was around so that I didn't have to fight my brain or cause my loved ones pain from death.
I keep thinking that also maybe if I had tried, then the people around me would take what I'm feeling more seriously. Does that make sense?
Things are wobbly in that I always feel on edge and any little hint of bad news or roadblock can tip me over into hopelessness. I am away from him for the most part. He lives in the town I do and I always fear I will see him when I'm out. And yes I told a couple of close friends but only one about the suicide part. I'm afraid to tell the people closest to me about that because they don't need that extra stress on their lives.
@Mashedpotato364
Also I understand that and I hear you, your last paragraphs in the post.
I can relate and I am so sorry you have to deal with this crap.
If there's anything we can do to help let us know
💜💜
@wittySpruce8187,
Thank you. I'm sorry that you can relate I any way. Do you go by Spruce?
@Mashedpotato364
Ofc and yea sure Spruce is fine. Do you go by Potato?
@wittySpruce8187
Yes Potato is great
