How do I cope?

Not sure how long I have left with my Riley. The thought of losing her kills me inside. I've been trying my best to fight it for two weeks now and I just can't anymore. Fear of losing her sent me into the worst depression of my life. In November I spent 14 days completely dissociated because my brain pretty much decided it couldn't feel anymore pain. Then December 27th shit hit the fan and i was faced with losing her again. Riley hasn't been Riley for a while and I don't know if it's behavioral or because she is physically ill but I don't have any way to take her to the vet. Riley has been there for me for over 3 years now. She loved me when i didn't love myself and i when I felt alone. Her love wasn't conditional. She was always excited to see me when I came home. She never held anything against me. She gave me purpose and a reason to live because I always worried about who would take care of her if something happened to me. I have always been afraid that no one would love her as much as I do. That no one would respect her quirks and boundaries. There are certain things about her that are frustrating, but there are things about me that are frustrating. I dont know what her history before i adopted her is, but she acts as if there has been trauma. Other people, unless they have experienced severe trauma often don't understand how something from the past can still haunt a person, let alone an animal. When you experience trauma it can shake your whole world. You become afraid of anything and everything that reminds you of your trauma. Even when you know there's no threat your brain tells you there is one. It is hell. I don't know the brain process of the dog, but the part of the brain that processes trauma and fear response is often referred to as part of the mammilian brain so the response is similar. The difference is that humans have another part of the brain that can process and think logically about things. A dog, they can't do that. The see a trigger and all they have is their fight/flight/freeze response and instinct. Their instinct is to survive. Their behavior is a survival instinct. As a person who has experienced trauma i experience a lot of stigma for my mental illness because people don't understand it. It sucks. It hurts. It can be more traumatizing. It makes me want to shut down. I dont want to do that to my dog. I dont want to give up on her. I dont want her to go somewhere that people wont accept her and love her. The thought of losing her led me to spend 12 days over the new year in the hospital again. I wrote 3 suicide notes while I was there because I would rather die than be without my Riley. I considered living in my car just so that i didnt have to say goodbye to her. Ive cried for hours. And i have broken down into tears at least once everyday since December 27. And even if it doesnt make sense to anyone else, giving up on Riley feels like saying it is okay to give up on people because of how they act due to things put of their control. It is okay to give up on me. If she doesnt deserve love, than neither do I. And yes, i know that logic is flawed. That doesnt change the emotion or the way I feel about the situation. People with Borderline Personality Disorder often feel thinga about 10 times more intensly than other people. So take the saddest and most afraid you have ever been and multiply that by 10 and imagine feeling that everyday? Would you want to live with that pain? I don't think people understand why this is so hard for me. Its just a dog. But shes family and when i lived in Lawrence and only had one friend in town she was there for me. When i felt like no one loved me, she did. I expected to have many more years and many more memories with her. So saying goodbye after just three years is unbearable. I have tried to fight it and tried to make people understand how i feel but i cant anymore. I am tired. I am drained. All of this doesnt mean i dont understand the other side, the other point of view, because I get it. It doesnt make things any easier.

On top of this pain and stress my great grandma passed away last week. She was 102. She was one of the few people that always remembered to send me a card on my birthday and christmas every year, even if she hadnt heard from me in years. I always thought about calling and tthanking her but i rarely did. I didnt go see her as much as i would have liked. I didnt know what i would say if she asked me how school was or how i am doing because i didnt want her to worry about me. I regret not spending more time with her and not letting her know how much her cards meant to me.

I know this was long. And super personal, but these are the thoughts and feelings i have been trying to get people to understand. It hurts. It sucks. A lot.