I Blame Myself..
Here goes:
I have epilepsy and let the doctors change meds because I thought they knew better. I work as a rep abroad every summer so I went as usual, it was Malia last year and I was on a night out, wasnt even drinking but I felt a a seizure coming on so I went outside the club.
A guy took advantage of the fact that I was I unconscious on the ground and sexually assaulted me.
It happened in November last year and since then i tried to take my life but not asked for help for my feelings cause Im scared.
i blame myself for not speaking up more about not wanting to change epilepsy meds before I went, I blame myself for going round the side of the club when I felt a seizure, why did I not just stay inside and I blame myself for not being able to fight harder when I started coming round.
It was caught on cctv which I had to watch cause the police are going ahead with prosecution as there is enough evidence even though I dont want to go through that, I been left with a catheter that is so triggering I have flashbacks most days, especially at night and my doctors arent listening and now my epilepsy makes me feel so scared to even go outside anymore.
I dont feel like me anymore, I feel spaced out all the time and when I try to get things back on track and make plans, the next day I dont get out of bed. I hate myself as much as the guy who did it
@loralo12
I find the worst part about being raped or hurt is the lack of control you have over the situation.
And I used to be like you, because I was unable to control the situation and could have done nothing to stop it(and that scared me so much) I blamed myself for it all because at least it gave me a sense of control over what happened.
Obviously it wasn't a concious decision on my part, it was just how I felt and is how many survivors feel.
Once I realised why I was feeling that way it helped me challenge those feelings.
https://www.womensaidni.org/victims-sexual-violence-blame/
Thats a link that explains it better than I can.
I hope the knowledge of why your feeling this way helps you challenge those thoughts because none of it was your fault, you simply had no control over it, and its awful and im so sorry that happened to you.
That someone has come along and turned your life upside down like this and made you feel so bad about yourself.....but there is hope and you can heal, you can get through this and the first step is to try and be more forgi ing of yourself and selfcompassionate.
Would you blame someone else for those things if it happened to them?
I'm so proud of you for discussing this here because I know that it can be such a hard thing to disclose, that shows true strength and its that strength that will get you through this even when your.not feeling so strong.
Hope you get the help and support you deserve soon 🌹 and I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey.