I Never Knew My Experiences Could Caused Me Trauma
*****Trigger Warning********* Proceed with caution
On Thursday, my roommates and dear friends and I were talking. All of us being LGBTQ+, we were talking about our experiences in finding a term for how we felt, even if we never really did. I used to identify as asexual. I don't know if I still do. See, while I always knew I was a romantic at heart and attracted to other people, I never felt like I could ever envision anything sexual with anyone. I recently started seeing someone, and it challenged me when he wanted to be physically intimate, even if it was a kiss goodbye.
I never knew why intimacy made me feel so uncomfortable. I'm very sex positive, but the idea of being engaged in sexual activity gives me this knotted feeling in my gut. I finally think I know why. I've been a victim of sexual assault several times, refusing to come to terms with my story.
The first incident was at a junior high dance. I was standing against the cafeteria wall, all dressed up. A boy I knew since elementary school, a popular boy, a grade older than me, apporoached me and said that we were going to dance. I refused over and over again. Apparently no doesn't mean no. He grabbed me and tried to drag me away from my spot, tried to pulll me against him, touched me and tried to kiss me. I stomped on his foot, slapped him hard, and fought back until he let me go. I brushed it off, and never saw it as what it was.
I was catcalled for the first time when I was thirteen. I was wearing a v-neck shirt and shorts, walking down the street at midday. A white pick up truck, packed with frat boys, slowed down beside me. This, I've learnt, is more than catcalling. "Smile for us!" "Hey nice t**s!" "I'd like a piece of that ***!" I never told anyone about that day. I never forgot about it.
When I was on the bus at 16 years old, I had a stranger grope me. The stranger grabbed and touched my behind when he was walking by.
I've received a great deal of rape threats. When I was starting to realize I wasn't straight, I came out at bisexual on the internet. While I received support from some, I got a great deal of not only homophobia, but threats, all anonymous. "One night with me and you'll realize you're straight." "You just need the gay raped out of you." I got a very large amount of that second message. This wasn't only online. I work on till at a sort of fast food place (imagine a middle ground between McDonald's and Boston Pizza). On my very second shift, after I took a 60 year old man's order, he leaned across the counter and threatened me with rape I still don't feel safe going to work.
I never knew this wasn't normal. I never knew it wasn't normal for people to be threatened or groped or be made into sexual fantasies. I can understand why sex is synonymous with "danger" and "hurt" now. I'm scared now. I'm faced to confront that my body hasn't felt like my own for the past six years, that my body feels like property, put on display for anyone to stare at and touch. I feel so deeply disturbed that I never knew how I was hurt and that I let it slide. I know two of the faces of the dozens that have hurt me and attacked me. I feel afraid. And now that I've started to see someone I'm so scared that this revelation won't just hurt me. I feel like a statistic. I feel like a victim. I don't feel like my body is mine. The worst thing is that it took me so long to realize that.
edited by dancingRainbow45 To comply with trauma community guidelines on posting
@thatdramaticsoprano Hi dramatic, thank you for sharing your experiences with us here. Im sorry you were subjected to the experiences you went through and it is unsurprizing that given your past, that this would cause you to avoid intimacy and sex with anyone. Sometimes it takes a while to be able to make the connection between things and it sounds as if you have been able to do this for yourself with regards when you did not wish to be intimate with anyone. You can begin to heal from the experiences you have had over time and your feelings with regards intimacy and relationships may change as you work through what you went through 
Being a victim of sexual assault can affect people in all kinds of ways and it is only when someone begins to accept what happened, look at that, work on how its affected your life short term and long term that healing can take place. I wonder how you feel about what you went through? Were you ever able to share these experiences with anyone? No one has the right to touch you without your permission and no one has the right to traumatise another person. You should never have been placed into a situation of having to fight back and it doesnt matter what you wore, where you were, you should never have had to experience what you did. Often when someone is vulnerable or has been hurt in some way, this can lead to them being extremely vulnerable and this vulnerability is often picked up on by other abusive people who exploit that. This can often lead to revictimisation for Survivors of trauma. It sounds from your post that all these incidents you went through are beginning to take its toll on you emotionally?
Im sorry that you received the threats you did. Its important to try and keep yourself as safe as possible online to minimise the kind of experiences you went through and its incredibly sad to me that people make the kind of threats they did towards you just because of someones sexuality. I hear you when you say that it became normal, and how your body has felt almost like an object for others to stare at and touch. I wonder how you feel with regards your body image, and what impact this experience has had on how you feel about yourself as a person? You can reclaim your body as yours and work on self image and self esteem issues whereby you come to value yourself and love who you are. Perhaps this is something to consider doing with say a counsellor? I wonder if you have ever considered counselling for the experiences you have had? Its very hard when your young to understand the kind of things you went through, and to make sense of what you feel. No young person should have to deal with issues like this and its not your fault that it took you some time to realise the impact that your experiences have had on you and what what you went through was abusive. What support do you have around you currently, and does anyone else know about what you went through?
edited by dancingRainbow45 To comply with trauma community guidelines on posting
@dancingRainbow45 Thank you to much for such a kind and thoughtful response.I'm going to my university's counselling services tomorrow or the day after to book a therapy appointment. Everything that's done has been done. I know that isn't my fault that I was a target. I've started to reach out to a few close friends to share and stop running away from my trauma, and start to face it and analyse it. I'm trying to look into how I percieve intimacy knowing that my previous experiences were based on assult. I still just have so many questions buzzing around my head, especially with how this new revelation will be affecting my possibly-new relationship, especially with someone who mainly expresses via physical affection. I definitely need therapy to get through all of this.
@thatdramaticsoprano Hey Dramatic thanks for responding and you are most welcome Im glad to hear that you are accepting it wasnt your fault! No matter what the circumstances, no matter what the situation, you did not deserve for someone else to do this to you. Im glad your reaching out more for support, especially to your friends and I wish you lots of luck with your counselling. Let us know how this goes if you would like Working on trauma issues takes patience, time and kindness to yourself but you can get there.
