I feel violated. (TW abuse, rape)

For most of my formative years, I was in an abusive relationship. The guy was mentally and emotionally abusive to me throughout the whole relationship. He would scream at me and threaten to self-harm or kill himself if I wouldn't do what he wanted. He would spend hours shouting at me about how I'm a horrible person, and only when I broke down crying he hugged me, and said that it's okay, and that he can make be better.

About a year later, he started pressuring me into doing sexual things with him. Keep in mind that this was a big deal for me. I was 14. I didn't want to do anything sexual, but he started threatening to break up with me or hurt himself - and I was forced to say yes.

Just as I gathered up the courage to stand up to him, he started pressuring me into having anal sex with him. He would go on and on and scream at me about how he gave me his time and energy, and he expects me to make a sacrifice in return. Eventually, he threatend to break up with me or hurt himself, so I felt awful and had to say yes. It was humiliating. Everytime I said no he forced me to apologize. Then he also started painfully hitting me during sex.

He made me cut off all of my friends, he claimed I was stealing attention from him. He made me think no one would ever love me, because I'm a horrible and disgusting excuse of a girl.

At the final stage, he would break up with me every other week, and then say he's sorry. Then he raped me at the school bathroom, and left me to faint in the hall.