I just want to move on

My parents were drug dealers. I never really thought about it, and yet it really had a huge impact on my life. The type of people my brothers and I were around. The way we're treated by people in different circles and our own. We didn't even know that we were drug traffickers 😂 Still to this day I am treated differently by people who knew me growing up. When I see people who were considered " friends" some look at me with sympathy. Some it a weird kind of respect ( like I'm the kid of someone famous) Some of these " friends" still give me creepy looks and comment sexual innuendos. I had that happen this past weekend and I ended up having a break down because of it. He made me feel dirty, he made my breath catch and I actually wanted to run away. It was harmless... But it didn't "feel" harmless. I hate that I am so fucked up that I honestly don't know if he was in the wrong or not.

It dawned on me the other day, when I found myself exited, setting up a new aquarium. For years I have been slowly giving up the things I once enjoyed. The little things that brought me happiness. I gave up on hobbies. My aquariums, my gardens, my house plants, hiking, camping.. I struggled to find time for any of it. No wonder I find myself unhappy and resentful. I need to make my own happiness a priority a more often.

Yeah, I can't escape the cycles. Here I am again, after months of being ok. See, this is what happens. I obsess... For months, until the exitment wears off. The newness wears off. The project or idea sitts unfinished with all of my other unfinished business. And I move on to the next thing. But it is never really forgotten, it has a place in the back of my head where it calls to me, nags at me, wakes me up in the middle of the night. It becomes a burden. I start to feel overwhelmed, it wakes me in the night, keeps me from going to sleep, and becomes a nightmare. I'm tired, so much to do. I don't know where to start, so I sit. And beat myself up about how useless I am. I make myself cry. So tired

Here we go again 😭 I just remembered how many of the men in the town I live in are pedos. I have been interacting with these people so long that it is just accepted. All of a sudden I don't want to serve them anymore. All of a sudden I want to talk about it.

Wow, nine months. I haven't been here in 9 months. I don't feel like it's been that long. The last few months have been rough. I remembered these past few weeks why I was thinking so much about my childhood lately. I have un finished business with my inner child. I know this because I have not thought about my trama in months while awake. I have night terrors, sure, but to be thinking about it in my waking hours? Why? Why now? Why after months of peace do I torture myself with these thoughts? Why do I feel hopeless when just weeks ago I was working on myself and had high hopes? Un finished business.