I keep having urges to want to be ruined..

@Whynotme78

No idea. I've a few stories around it, but nothing strong enough to submit as "the answer."

The important thing, really, is to recognise that it's talking pants, and just to try and laugh at it. Now, I suspect that will be reallydifficult, but if you imagine someone who is inherantly ridiculous saying this stuff to you, donald duck spirings to mind, it might be easier.and get easier with time.

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@Whynotme78

This has been my very first form of self harm, so I thought a lot about it. You're the only person who can understand for sure why exactly you want it, but I tell you why I wanted it and maybe you'll recognize some parts as familiar.

I started when I was a kid, at elementary school. My family was abusive but I didn't know. I thought it was like that because of me, that if I wasn't so bad, my parents wouldn't have had those behaviors. I always tried to do my best, but I kept doing mistakes, and I was so angry at myself I thought I deserved to be seen for the one I was, so I started lying about myself in a bad way, to worsen my reputation and make people angry at me. I thought I was doing the right thing, it worked damn well and it eased a lot my sense of guilt. Self harming by myself felt more good than bad, I wanted someone else to hurt me, because I though I deserved it, and I thought I didn't deserve kindness, or anything I had in life, it was too much for me, how did I get all that good? People had to see me for the one I was and despise me as I deserved. This was the main reason that brought me to act, but there were other mechanisms at work I guess.

I remember having a strong feeling of having been treated unfairly, but I blamed myself a lot for this, because I thought I was just playing victim, because that's what I was told when I was abused, but this need to feel a victim had to come out somehow, so I oddly was too ashamed to tell the truth when I had really mistaken something, but I could lie about having done the worst things, so that I would have been punished, just as I wanted, unfairly, which fulfilled my need to recognize myself as a victim, in a way, and also I had planned exactly for what I was punished, when, and what others thought they knew about what I had done or not, so I had control, that was another thing I really needed.

Always about being a victim, I think my brain, as a child's brain, was using the mechanisms of re-inacting and re-living to try and process the situation. I did it also with dolls, as children often do. It was almost the only scene I played with my dolls: one hurting the other (that kept loving her abuser) until the abuser realized the other doll was not guilty and was sorry. I really was obsessed over this.

@Whynotme78

That sounds like a victim mentality. What happened to make you feel this way?