Ill let go one day. The first step is what is important right?
Reading some of these threads i dont even feel like i have the right to be so bothered by my trauma. It tooke me time, but i begun to see a pattern my trauma is my trauma and i was given it because I can learn to overcome it. My trauma is not less or more, its not tit for tat, its what defines me and you. Trauma is not to compare who's wound is deeper its learning that our wounds are the same just different blades. My trauma defines me because i choose to make it so. I choose to use every rock thrown my way i turn into another brick i use to build a fortitude. A lesson learned, we didnt deserve it, but we do deserve to conquer and use it to build not hinder....so where does my trauma begin...
Ive never been the one to speak about me. My husband of 13years can tell you little about my troubles because im the rock. I take care of everyone, since i was 8, ive bottled up everything to fix others. Ill be 25 next month and im finally buckling. I dont know where to begin to get things off my chest. What event is the key to the flood gates. Im the type of person who has an automatic forgetme lock. I get upset and five minutes later its buried so deep i cant tell whats wrong. Im searching for something to break it for me to let go. If you havent caughy on im rambling to find the thoughts i need to let go...
I have 25 years of pent up trauma..that cant be explained in 1200 characters. I have a heavy heart and at 25 have finally suffered a "stress" stroke..when will i be able to let it go.
@TorturousDysphoria Thank you for your wonderful post. Im afraid its impossible to say when you will be finally able to let go as everyones healing journey is individual and unique to them but from your post it sounds like you have been doing so great work already in recognising, that we can choose what to do with regards how trauma affects you and accepting to that trauma is trauma, it is not about who has gone through worse trauma or tit for tat as you said. Whats more important than what someone has gone through, is the impact its had on their life. No one can undo whats happened, but everyone has the ability to change how it impacts on your day to day life. Trauma is just one aspect of who you are as a person and many people use the experiences they go through in positive ways, turning something negative into a channel for change.
I think for a lot of trauma survivors, they put on the brave face, bottled up their own experiences and feelings but some find it comes out in other ways. It sounds like you have a supportive partner. What support have you got currently to help you deal with all of this? Thank you for sharing 
@TorturousDysphoria
Thank you so much for writing this.
Absolutely. For me, it was easy for years to almost subconsciously find ways to rationalize ignoring my trauma, compartmentalizing it, or devaluing it; that self-critical angle can in itself be a sign of existing trauma because it is such a common theme. There are so many variables in each of our individual experiences that comparisons are just unfair, to us and to the people we think are 'more worthy' of compassion. We deserved the same chances as others, and it is an injustice we did not have the same opportunities, for reasons often outside of our control. It's okay that we doubt ourselves sometimes as long as we recognize where that doubt really comes from. We deserve peace and happiness.
Our past may define who we became, and yet we have the power now to choose who we want to be, which of those qualities we want to keep and which we are free to let go of, and what we want to do with our lives and this information. Every day we persist and own is a beautiful victory. I just turned 30 this year and I feel like I am rediscovering who I really am, from years of denying the impact of what happened to me. It's a distinction, I think, between recognizing something happened, and then recognizing its life-long impact. For years, I fooled myself into believing I had nothing to deal with, that I was over what happened, that I was strong, but I was just pretending to get by, to cope. Especially when we grow up having to take care of everyone else, our siblings, our parents, our spouses, our friends, our own children, we find there is little time to acknowledge our own needs or remember that these things happened and that their impact matters.
We may find years have past and this thing is still knocking on some dark door inside of us, and we may find that we've forgotten essential clues as to why it's even there in the first place. Time and patience and compassion can unlock those doors, and for some it is a frightening experience, but we are here for you every step of the way if you want.
You are amazing for reaching this point where you are thinking that maybe this does matter. It matters, you matter. It really does, and you really do. This is an amazing step and a brave and powerful movement forward for you. You can do this and at your own pace. We are all here trying to figure things out together. This community is patient and warm and understanding and here for you when you are ready to say more.
