I lost my childhood before I really had one(TW sexual assault)

I grew up in a religious household where my dad was spiritually and emotionally abusive. So as a young girl I was taught to follow the rules, spread gods word, and don’t be a ‘bad’ girl. Well when my mom was going through chemo and radiation, I was in a youth group. I think I was 11. During a game of hide and seek I was coaxed into a room with two older boys, about 3-4 years older than me. One anally raped me the other orally raped me. After they were done I went to the bathroom, threw up and was numb. The youth pastors wife came in when I was cleaning up and asked if I was ok. I lied and said I was fine. Just not feeling great. From that moment on I chose to forget what happened. To cover the bruises, to hide the bleeding. Why did you not tell anyone, you my ask. Because it was taught to me that a woman who is raped and doesn’t scream gets the fault put on her. I didn’t scream. I was scared. I couldn’t move. I’m hat was the day that I started to live my life in fear. No one and nothing is safe. I developed chronic pain illnesses because of the state of stress I was in. I fled my parents house as soon as I graduated high school because my dad called me a whore for getting birth control. I moved in with my first boyfriend who ended up being every kind of abusive. That was 4 years of my life stolen. I’m now in a spot where I feel the safest I have ever felt. But that’s a double edged sword. That means I feel my pain now. I don’t feel safe in my skin most times. I have picked up manipulative behavior because of my ex and my dad. I am angry at my mom and every other woman who saw my pain and did nothing. I feel stuck acting like a child because I never was one. I faked being an adult until I was one now I’m faking being a child. I just want to be me. I’m not a victim, I’m just trying to find my own truth.