I'm still here
so, i dont know how often i can keep this up, but im going to try to write a diary entry every week, reflecting on my past but also my relationship, my POTS and my school career
@missingparts Well I am glad you are still here. I think keeping a journal of any form is a good step in the right direction. If you need any support along the way, we're always here.
@missingparts
So things have been really dificult the last few days, as my boyfriend and i got into the worst fight that we have ever been. it got to the point that he said alot of things that were borderline unhealthy, telling me that no one would want to be with me, blaming me for all our problems, controling who i talk to about our relationship, and calling me emotionally viotale. of course im not so inocent either as i didnt respect his desire to go to sleep or that he was busy, spamming his phone with a bunch of calls, and threatening and actually hurting myself.
We talked to my therapist last night and agreed to take a week to think and relax, and then to start fresh, working slowly on reducing the behaviors that the other does not like. Durring this week we are going to answer these 20 questions https://guidedoc.com/20-helpful-marriage-counseling-questions-ask-spouse, these as well https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/20-questions-will-save-relationship/, write out 20 specific things that we want from our partner, and 20 things that we are willing to do for our partner. i think that these will help us to be able to communicate with eachother when we come back. i will be recording this stuff here for easy orginization and be able to share this with the people i find valuable for support on my journey towards a better relationship and a better self.
The 20 questions that will save your relationship
1. If you were stranded with someone in the jungle who, beyond me, would you like it to be?
I think i would take my best friend, R. he's a combat medic, so he has the survival skills. He is fun to be around, and knows how to handle my wild mood swings. I allready know that we get along well and he would have a hope of keeping my spirits up. I dont think i would cope well with being stranded in the jungle so it would be important to have someone i can rely on and trust to be there with me. i think R was the first man i ever felt safe with, and i like the joy that i feel when hes around.
2. In what period in history would you like to have lived and why?
damnit the future is not an option.... hmmm have you watched this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-WHAISI02w
that video really changed how i view timetravel as a minority female because i would not be able to keep my mouth shut and submit easily to a man. i think i would have liked to live in the reniscance if i could be in a position of more power but im really not sure. I used to think that life was simpler back then and i would love to be a fantasy princess with all the clothes, the balls, and having knights in shining armor come and save me but the reality of it is just hard to shake.
3. If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
i think i would have the ability to know the future, i hate the uncertainity of life and i feel that if i were able to tell the future i could help people by warning them of impending doom and destruction and showing ways they could prepare or take care of the future. i think the biggest problem i have with this supperpower is i still recall a night mare i had several years ago when i kept telling kelsey and haley (my two friends who were murdered by their father) and everyone i could that there father was a bad man, and just to delay spending the holidays with him, or if they must to have someone with them like their aunt, but no one would believe me or take my word serrious. I think this harkens back to when i was being abused by my rapist and even though i told like 20 different adults about him, no one would believe me, no one stepped in to help. What if i did have that supperpower and no one took me serrious? I think that it also shows how suddenly my life has changed, often in ways no one could immagine like when kelsey and haley died or when i became sick for no good reason, who knew i would have POTS.
4. What would be your perfect day, from waking up in the morning to falling asleep at night? (speaking to my bf)
i would wake up with your arms around me, warm and safe from a great 10 hours of sleep. We would meet R at the cadilac cafe in portland, and have a great breakfast. i would be wearing a cute new pink dress that fits great, an A-line, that you suprise me with and you would be in a sports jacket, we would go to mass after breakfast, and go golfing, perhaps with a change of clothes. we would play 9 holes on a really nice course, and have lunch afterwards at a really nice place, over looking a beautiful view. in the afternoon we would play 9 more and then take sometime to relax by the pool/beach , with a pool boy that brings us our drinks, he would bring me a sherly temple :) and i would get to play with you and cuddle next to you. then have dinner at a 5-star resturant, with a decenant choclate desert as we watch the sun set. then we would go to a musical and then we would go back to our hotel, and watch tv and talk until i fall asleep on the most fluffy of beds.
breakfast, new dress, best friend, mass golf, beach, food, choclate, theater, snuggling = perfect
6. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
I think i am most grateful for having people who will listen to me and support me, people i can count on to always have my best interest in mind. I am also grateful for my education, i still recall one of my uncles telling me that education is one of the few gifts no one can ever take away.
Section Two: Personal Question
7. What do you consider your greatest strength and weakness?
my greatest strengths is my ability to think about things outside of the box, to connect concepts in my mind to come to a better understanding of the world around me and to come up with solutions to problems that have not been previously thought of. I also think that I am great at researching, as I have honed this skill over many years of practice. I value my brain over my beauty or brawn.
I think my greatest weakness is being too emotionally volitale. This has lead me to a lot of bad places in life and while I try my best to correct it, its very difficult and had lead to a lot of trouble including angering my friends and you, leaving school for a meantal health break and contributing to the POTS.
8. What ambitions have you yet to achieve?
I want to graduate from college, marry and have kids. I think those are the three biggest life achivements for me and being so young I have yet to achieve any of them.
its really important to me to be able to support myself as well and I view college as a necessary building block to a good career. I think the reason why this achievement is so vital to me is that people, but mostly that abusive special education teacher, would tell me that I couldnt amount to anything in life because of my disabilities, the autism and the hypotonia. I am fearful that the POTS will tip me over the edge with everything that I am already struggling with and that I wont be able to succeed in school.
Marriage to me means never having to be alone, never having to question weather someone cares about you, and knowing that the person you put first in your life also puts you in life. I often recall a poem that I wrote in third grade about a hero swinging in to rescue the day, I want my husband to be that hero, the one who loves me and saves the day.
Kids, I really am unsure why I want kids, I think a primal instinct to just foster the next generation. But I do know that I really want to be pregnant, ive been imaging giving birth, and being pregnant ever since I was little. For me, Gods love is bestexperienced through the mystery of pregnancy and birth, for a woman gets to generate a new life within her, similar to the way god creates, and the pain of childbirth is similar to the pain endured on the cross. Once you go through those experiences, one is helpless but to love.
9. Tell your life story from childhood to today in about five minutes.
- get back to this one –
10. What is the most terrible memory from your childhood?
I think the worst memory from childhood for me is the moment that my parents told me that Kelsey and haley had died. I still remember every detail, and it really set a catalyst in my life, I doubt that if that had happened I would have gotten depressed and been so vulnerable for Eric.
11. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Im not sure, all I can say is I fear I wont be able to live before then. To be completely honest the story of that 30yr old woman who suffered from a stroke because of POTS terrifies me. im scared that its going to be this stupid disease thats going to kill me. i keep having recuring nightmares that when i try alchol my blood pressure witll start to drop and my heart begin to race, but because nothing is serriously wrong we just call my bf, and then R puts the blood oxymeter on me to find that im starting to decompensate and my blood oxygen is 93% with a sharp decrease, my boyfriend tells me to take slow deep breaths, as a nurse but hes gertting nervous after 5 mins my boyfriend tells R to call EMS. they come racing and the paramedics take one look at me and begin to do things verry agressively. one of them takes my pulse and is shoked to find it buzzing away at a pace he cant count, he then takes my bp and tells the numbers to the room as the whole room begins to become very concerned. another emt looks frantically for a vein, which he cant find, he tries my left arm, then the right, then each of my legs. finally two of the other rip off my dress, and start applying the ekg, and the cardiac pads. its verry scary. the paramedic looks at the monitor and tells me that if my heart doesnt slow down they will have to shock me, i look to R for comfort but hes scared too. it frightend me too much to talk about.
12. What gives meaning to your life?
giving back to those who are having to follow my hard footsteps. i hate that people still have to face the same prejudices that were so hard for me as a kid to deal with. thats the reason why im so determined to help the autism community, and the like.
13. What qualities did I possess that made you think I was someone special?
You were the kindest and most compassionate person I had talked to in a long time. Your heart attracted you to me the most. You were ambitious, wanting to become a doctor, but also seeking to have a similar mission in life, to help people. I loved that you had so much to give the world, and me. You made me feel understood and no longer alone. I also noticed a month after talking to you, that you made me a better person, I acted with more compassion to the people in my life, was happier then I had ever been and wanted to prove myself intellectually to you, I didnt want to let you down.
14. What was, for you, the most memorable moment of our wedding day or our first date?
The first couple of messages we shared on facebook, the ones where we used a poetic metaphor to express our battle against the illness. It was special to me because I had never connected with someone that deeply, I felt that you got me, in a way no one had before, I loved that I could be myself infront of you, without explination. I loved how when I told you things you would tell me that you already knew, and it made me feel so relaxed, so special.
15.what three things do we have in common
1. we want to help people, you as a nurse/future doctor and I with my projects, most notably MissingPiece. I think this is one of the things that attracts us most to each other and thus is one of the best things that we share in common.
2. our religion: I personally have always wanted a man I can pray with and someone who values god in the same way. I find the most romantic scene to be us in a stone church, with light gleaming from the stain glass falling on us, while we pray infront of the crucifix on the altar. I have prayed with Sam, one of my good friends, and it felt really good to be able to be together in the presence of Christ, with our relationship in its wholeness, and all its love infront of the one who is love.
3. Love for anime, and being nerdy. I still recall the picture I sent you, the one with me in a SAO shirt. My SAO pillow reminds me of you, and so I now sleep with it on my bed