Indi's corner

Today has been a weird, teary day. I can't 100% understand why all day i've been fighting crying...might be hormonal, also still feeling lousy so that might havee something to do with it. But mostly I think its the stress, its camping, and hearing my room wont be available til at least sunday. It's trying to motivate myself to be the bright perky person I know I can be while looking for a job but really, really not feeling it right now. Its fear that all of this wont work out, my grant won't come through. That all these gigantic changes ive made will be for nothing and the fact that I dont really have a back up plan...well I do kinda, I can go hat in hand and accept a kind offer but I am pretty sure that will cime with its own ramifications.

And if all that works out I still have no guarantee that I will succeed. Past experiences have shown I have huge issues with commitment and following through on things.....I keep trying to sooth this fear by reassuring myself that ive never wanted something so badly before either.

But then there is my mental health...I have great ambitions, fantastic goals but the traumatised part of me still just wants to lie down and not take part in the world.....I still have to try push myself daily to get up and do stuff.

Fuck and now im crying again.

I miss my dog.....I even miss where I was working haha....

Ive a huge step and I just so badly need this to work out I need traumatic events to no longer be able to hold back.

I need to prove to myself I can do this, I need the part of me that shuts down when everything gets too overwhelming to just take a deep breath keep going.

Haha I need to stop crying...

Deep breaths, everything's going to be fine.

I have decided im going to sign up for the life coaching while doing this, its a free service so what have I got to loose and I think realistically im going to need some support.

Im not really sure what to expect from it and i hope its not too deep or anything just practical, coming up with a workable schedule, routine etc.

So far today seems to be another emotional day, ive cried twice now while watching tv 😄😳

Im going to take it easy today and try and once and for all try and get rid of this cold ❤

I feel like a Jenga tower that people have been playing a very long game with

Coming back randomly to take pieces of me away

Standing back in case I fall

Sizing me up, figuring out which block they can safely take but will still keep them in play

Because if I fall then that person will loose

And they have to factor in the extra weight they will be placing on top

I feel very unstable now , swaying side to side.....I am just blocks standing trying to balance but also wanting tto come crashing down for it to stop

Ive been trying to express how I feel today and you know what in general,its been a good day, there are some things I could let bother me but its in the past and I hope he is happy and I wish him luck and my heart is still very sad that it didnt work out with us back then because it was the.most time I have ever felt truly loved....but it wasnt meant to be and I hope you are a good dad and that your happy and she is happy and safe...and you told me so many times you were sorry for how you treated me and I consoled you because your pain seemed to hurt me more than anything you inflicted on me....I loved you with all my heart and although im a bit messed up right now hearing she is carrying your baby, I am also really happy and hopeful that you've found joy but beyond sad that we couldnt find it together, not that I any longer thought we could but my heart rarely listens to my head. Its been many years but now I really do need to wave goodbye to you and any possible future of you and me.

Im sorry im not making sense, im a bit spaced and feel weird but all is good, im no longer camping.

Please no more drama, tomorrow will be a better day ❤

Im a lil messed up right now, finding it hard to think, loosing alot of time....move, just move, think just think, please stop giving up..

Going to try and exercise a bit more see if I can get myself out of this....I dont like it at all.

Have you ever been in a place where its all walls and no doors

Where you cant understand how others are moving through because all you can feel are the pulsating floors

Walls will with no exit for you

And others must wonder why your stuck

Why you cant move but there is no place to balance on this ground

As your trapped in the silence and it's deafening sound....

No windows

No fresh air

Dimming light

Choking on despair..

Im sorry I haven't been here much....

I have been blocking alot out lately and just focussing on breathing and trying to sprt things out.

Things could be alot better......but hey they could be alot worse too.

I just need to be able to function and stop shutting down, keep moving things have to get better at some stage....

I am also really , really lucky too....I need to concentrate on that , concentrate on the good things and just try to keep it together until everything settles down.

This would all be a lot easier if I didnt look so much like shit.....

Things are going pretty good on my side at the moment, I mean I got my strugglesbut so far not so bad.

Im coping with all these new changes in my life pretty well.

-Im holding down a job( lots of anxiety issue's there but its getting easier).

-studying pretty well

-getting along with everyone reasonably well

-sleeping pretty good

But I do have financial problems and im lonely.

No point hiding from tbe fact life isnt very fun right now but its not TOO bad either.

Im actually pretty proud of myself for doing better than I expected.

I'm selfdestructing again, I really need to get past this and I don't know what to do.....

I'm feeling very desperate and I know if I continue on thispath, I won't be able to stop the self hatred.

I'm a logical person who has a very illogical problem....

I'm ranting and I know I'm not making sense but then again people on the edge often don't make sense to people who haven't travelled in their shoes.

I am hoping and praying that I will be able to make this work even though I am not religious and i am feeling hopeless.