Indi's corner

Hey friend

Sorry, you tell me not to read.... I read! Human nature I suppose :)

You sound like youre having a tough time, and in my experience thats the best time to take a deep breath and give yourself a break. Yet I read this and I hear you kicking yourself - hard and repeatedly. Time out my friend, deep breaths. Time for some honesty, and to let someone in.

You say you pride yourself on your work, yet right now its tough. Surely there are people who recognise that? Who would cut you some slack if you explained. None of us are super human, even our bosses. If they have any humanity, theyll want to support you, not join you in the kicking. So can you open up to a manager? Explain youre having a tough time? Take some time off if you need to. Its okay to ask for help.

You asked people not to read this thread, so I figure its hard for you to show this side of you. But youve managed it. Youve taken the first step, and nothing bad has happened. Please keep reaching out my friend. Vulnerability is no bad thing.

Its so weird....they were soooo nice about it, they didnt blame me in anyway.

I just told them and said sorry and they actually made excuses for me and are sorting it out...thanked me for calling in personally, said there was no need.

Weird.....maybe I was over reacting-maybe because I knew there was no valid excuse for it.

Anyway that mess up was sorted and im going to try and stay more present and stop shutting down so much.

Thank you both, i'll stop reying here now as it looks like such an attention seeking name now haha

So i'm sitting here with chamomile tea because im finding it hard to sleep and I really need to coz im working again tonight. :) the joys!

And this memory is running around my head so I guess I better try typing it out here and see if I can get it to rest here for a while and allowed me to sleep.

*Trigger warning* not really sure what im going to type but there probably will be foul language and I will be mentioning rape.

So it was about 6 months after I was raped and I was still travelling. And I had been told at the centre that I should definitely see a doctor to get tested for HIV but id been kind of putting it off and just trying to push it out of mind.

Anyway one day I was going to see the doctor about something else so I said fuck it better get the test too.

And I gotta say I was pretty proud of myself asking for it, I described the situation matter of factly to the male doctor and there was no real issues.It was also the first time ever that I had said the sentence "I was raped" out loud while I was sober. I think the doctor was a bit taken back by how clinically and unemotional I was while asking for it and why but that made me even prouder of myself.(voice in my head saying "go you,you've obviously dealt with this very well and when the negative results come in, you can totally put all this behind you, like it never happened").

So the doctor told me to go next door with the list of tests I needed to get my blood taken. Now because I was a traveller in this country I had to pay alot of money for tests and stuff. I also had lost my card so I had to pay in cash.

Went next door met with this old guy and explained the situation that I would have to pay in cash and he started having a bit of a hissy fit "well this is unusual we are not meant to take cash because we have no where to store it and because your tavelling and have no fixed address near here we cant bill you" And my proud self took a bit of a hit but said "thats ok, I can come back again when I get my card reissued in the bank which will probably take a week".

Then he started looking at my list of tests.....I guess he was looking at them to see if they were urgent....

He said well these a bit out of the ordinary and started listing them out to the other man who was present and was sitting in front of a computer.

I was a mixture of starting to get really fucking and panicky.....

Then he got to the one testing for HIV and he didnt announce it out loud but actually asked me"this one, do you really need this one?"

I swear if I wasnt there I might find it difficult to believe that someone in the medical profession could be that fucking ignorant.....

To which I replied without really thinking and said, "well you know what your right probably not but considering I dont know where the guy who raped me has put his dick before I thought it might be a good idea to have the test".

I was so full of rage and on the verge of tears too that I actually felt like hitting him....im a pretty peaceful person and the only time I have ever hit someone was when a guyi did know grabbed my tits while I was walking down a stairs....

And that urge to hit him probably would have built except the look on his face gave me a sense of satisfaction....he looked like someone had winded him, soccer punched him in the gut and was left breathless and speechless. And the guy sitting at the computer who in fairness hadnt said a word throughout the whole exchange actually put his head in his hands and slumped down on the desk.

The old guy was full of apologies and after that there was no more fuss made about paying with money, I dont remember much about what was said after that, I just remember repeating to myself in my head continously " hold it together, please hold it together, dont allow them see you cry,let think of you as bad ass fucker who won't take anybody's shit anymore".

And I did, I walked out of there after getting my bloods taken and although I was a bit shaken also felt like laughing, the contant was shocking but the scene was comical and ive got a sick sense of humour

I'm not sure why that scene is playing on mind right now, guess its part of processing it all.

I have other scenes playing in my head aswell but if I describe them then i'll probably def not sleep.

The worst part about this rape is how it seems to have disintegrated and erased all the previous healing I had done.....I was left numb and totally incapable of trusting which had been hard before but now seems impossible.

Now the numbness is cracking and all the feeling from all the bad things are threatening to destroy me and I meed to try and regain control again.

I need to try and release them in a healthy, acknowledge them, self comfort blah, blah, its not the knowledge of how lacking, its the fear of not being able to hold it together while I do it. And being able to resist the urge of totally tuening on myself and completly cracking up. It definitely killed something in me.....and it broke all the parts on me I had so painstakingly worked for years on healing.....

Guess thats why im feeling hopeless and scared...and just feeling so fucking useless and fucked up....and angry

Just another memory floating around in my head was the first time I sought help as an adult.

It wasn't long after this incident https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/TellusWhathappenedGetitoffyourchest_318/TriggerwarningR_125514/maybe a few months or possibly a year or two, im not sure.

I had no intention in talking about that in fact i have never really told anyone that out loud. In a way I blamed the childhood abuse for what happened that night,like it marked me as a victim and maybe that explained why I would get hurt again so badly.

What happened that night amplified all of my issues and caused alot more on top of them.

I wasnt sleeping properly, I was constantly hyperaware all the time, because in a way it felt like just another time someone attacked me while I was sleeping.

Anyway.....I was reaching the point where I was about to loose my job, I had no friends because I couldnt trust anybody not one little iota, and I simply wasnt functioning very well. So I said to myself I need to try and get some help.

I wasnt flush with cash but the job at the time did pay a reasonable wage so I started looking at trying to get a proffessional to see. I checked the ads and eventually found someone who sounded qualified enough and mustered the courage to ring and made an appointment.

I met with this lady in her 60's and she looked kind and I made up my mind that I would tell her an edited version of what I went through as a child and the issues I was having to see if she could help me overcome some of those issues so I could savey job and hopefully be able to live a better life...

I say edited because I wasn't sure how experienced she was, went it came to listening to people with an abusive past. So I decided to give her the toned down version.

I continued seeing her on a weekly basis for 4 or 5 weeks and to be honest didnt really find it very helpful but it was nice to have someone who I could share a bit with. Someone who came across as being caring and who I didnt question her motives as I was paying her so that made me feel more comfortable in a way.

But one day she asked me something and I forget what the question was but whatever it was, I got lost in the truth while answering it. I used a plural word which inticated the truth ,that there was more than one abuser.

Her response was to gasp loudly and she asked "you mean there was more than one"? And I hadnt been looking at her face while I had been responding but when I looked up because I realised my mistake, I could see tears rolling down her face....and I responded "saying there was only one is more believable isnt it?".

Im not sure how she replied, I dont think I really listened, seeing how upset she got made me feel guilty and I just wanted to leave.

I didnt go see her again but she taught me that if I was ever listening to someone sharing there story that is was really important for the person I was trying to help that I keep my emotions in check while listening.

I wonder sometimes what my life would be like now if I had gotten proper help back then? Would I still be in that career?....im mot sure I would, I liked aspects of that jpb but I absolutely hated other parts of it and it increased my levels of constanly being hyperaware and always being on alert. I was very close to having a nervous breakdown while I was in that job and part of me is suprised that I coped with all of that as well as I did even though I wasnt really coping at all.

I didnt get fired in the end, I quit 4 years later. I decided my life and qellbeing were important than a career I dint really want anyway.

I believe

Sometimes I get confused about what I believe...

I find it hard to believe in a loving God that would allow so much cruelty and suffering to exist

But I pray to him sometimes when there seems like no place else to turn to and no one else that can assist....

I believe in the power of belief and in humanities ability to overcome

To be able to power through even if they can't see how a battle can be won...

Destiny has never rung true to me, I can't swallow that its all part of a plan, that this suffering is for a reason even if I can't find the rhyme...

But I do believe we can change where we are heading to ,we have power over our future even if at times it can be hard to find the steering wheel, take control of the reigns...

I believe great learning and understanding can be found in the struggle even if I would do eveything and anything I could not to have to endure the pains

I believe sometimes there really is no answers to the "why's" we ask

Why me?

Why am I facing this impossible task?....

I truly believe in each of us there really is more power than we know...

I believe if we believe we can overcome then that's half the battle won

I know it can feel hopeless though

I know that sometimes this world can deal blow after blow and it can feel like an endless fight..

I believe that if people could just open their hearts and minds a little bit more that their would be less people knocking and praying to enter heavens door

I believe that even when everything seems lost and that there is no way through

I believe in the power of YOU

I just want to say thanks.

I woke up this morning with awful realisations....ive tried but I cant type them out.

They made me physically sick to my stomach

I guess the knowledge has been there a long time but my mind wouldn't/couldn't process it til this morning.

They have left me battling intrusive thoughts so I need ro take extra care of me.

Im going to take a break from sharing about me for a while...

I think these realisationa were what have been brewing and part of the reason other memories have been so vivid.

Thank you for the music kite, and the wheel daisy ❤

I've had more people abuse/ rape me than I've had consensual partners.....

Last night a thought came to me, maybe its because I was constantly looking out for them, trying to protect others.....

Is that it, is that the reason......

Im trying to be extra kind to myself right now but its really hard!

I cant explain this right ....but who the hell cries because someone offers them something they really need????

I havent told anyone that I really need this, in fact I have lied and told them its all sorted....

But this person just rang me this evening and asked me about it again, and wants to give me something huge, something I possibly will never be able to reimburse them for....

I couldnt ask them why....I just lied defiantly that I dont need it and that I have a way of getting it myself....but I dont really

but it also for some reason scares the shit out of me to take something so big from someone...

It was soo kind of them to offer and I believe they have no ulterior motive but it feels so wrong to take it...

Why has this upset me so much, I mean what the hell? Someone is trying to be really nice and im here crying my eyes out ,full of anxiety because I think I insulted them....

Do I feel this way because of fear? I dont like the feeling of being vulnerable and needing help....and ive been feeling that way alot lately.

Lack of trust? thats probably it too, fuck im a mess at the moment😥

@crimsonLime6525

Thank you so much for your kind thoughtful response, you have been in my thoughts too and I very much hope that the scary space you were in has improved ❤

I am blank right now.....there is nothing wrong...there is nothing right...im just blank.

Finding it hard to really string thoughts together even though ive been really trying.

I feel like right now I could chat about anything at this moment and not get a bit emotional because the numbness is so strong....

Guess numbness is good kinda, but im afraid what will happen when the numbness cracks again..gotta try and stop this cycle of being numb and it cracking then feeling everything at once and at an overwhelming level, then becoming numb again 😮