I need someone to know what happened to me. Tw: sexual and physical assault, kidnap and murder

I need to tell someone what happened to me I need someone to be able to tell me what to do or how to get better because since this is happened so angry and hopeless, and I dont know how Ill ever get better.

When I was 17 I went on a date. He seemed nice but weird and I was ready to go, and he said he would take me home. I noticed that we were going a different way and that we have been driving for a while, and when I freaked out he told me he had someplace special to show me. This person Took me to a cemetery and he beat and choked me and raped me and threatened me for four hours. I know the only reason I survived was because he let me. Hes currently on trial for the kidnap rape and murder of someone. I went to the police and told them what happened and for years Ive been trying to be part of this and Im not being included in the trial. I dont wanna make her murder about me but I do feel like a small part of this is my story and it hurts seeing the defense talk about me as a consensual relationship. I was a kid being hurt by someone. I wont be able to defend or stand up for myself. I just feel so anguished, and I went through this whole thing wanting relief that I dont think Ill ever find.

Am I being selfish?