It's 10:00 Do you know where your children are?
Im devistated by the loss of my child. It's something that has left me unable to believe, and with no idea how to live on.
Maybe you are as stuck as I am, and somehow together we might find a way to live on.
Share your pain and trauma here
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Our children are connections of our souls and my soul is out there looking for my child's soul so im living with my emotions on hold. I want to cross over to help. I have no idea how to help, or what to do. My dreams give me clues of being lost in the wirling darkness. I can find no hope. I have no life within me. My shadow is gone, my child is gone. My child is gone. I need to leave this painful state of nonexistance
Im to miserable to want to be around me, but now i need freinds more than ever to sort this all out. The pain needs to end and i see only one way out. I offer myself but nobody cares to look deeper to see im a very good person with a lot to offer. First impressions couldnt be more wrong about me. Im dying inside and soon i will follow as i see no way out from under this
@SoHopeless Hi I am very sorry about the loss of your child. I have a few friends who have lost children and I have heard from them how very painful it is for them. My heart goes out to you.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you, its taken away my ability to want anything and im watching my life fall apart around me and i dont seem to care enough to do anything about it so im just suffering and fading away but im to embarrased to get any help as im a mess and so is my home.
@SoHopeless I think that you are worthy and deserving of help and support.
@adventurousBranch3786 TY
@SoHopeless Have you tried to talk with a listener?
@adventurousBranch3786
I contacted 3 listeners so far but no responces yet
@SoHopeless I'm sorry to hear that, but I am glad that you are reaching out. I hope that someone will answer soon.I am not a listener,but I can check on how you are doing here.
@adventurousBranch3786
Im grateful, im lost and have no strength but i try to have hope, i really try but its so hard to explain all i am facing to anybody because i see it overwhelms them and i see their thoughts and judgements as they try to process the unprocessable. They cannot help themselves from judging, and i cant take any more of that added pain.
Life doesnt discriminate, lessons are for us all. It doesnt seem to matter how strong we thought we were. When enexpected terrible things happen and people dont respond as you thought they would it mixes us up more and more to the point we start questioning everything. Nothing seems important any more. Nothing seems worth it. It seems nothing is more painful than learning everything you believed isnt true.
@SoHopeless Grief is a very difficult subject for people to hear about. I do not mind to hear about it though. I was in a support group with 3 ladies who lost children (some many years ago). I heard them say that the pain was still there and how hard it was for them. However, even though they carry the suffering with them ,they have managed somehow to find a way to have some enjoyment in their lives. I hope that someday you can too,although I reconize that it can be a long,hard, and painful process.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you. I must go through that process so someday im strong enough to help my other children that have all been destroyed by grief. Im looking for that path now. Im thankful for nice people like you along the way
If i stop trying and give up my pain will fade forever. Is my struggling and sqirming trapped here with the hurt prolonging this for nothing? Maybe i dont have to try any more. No more denying if i stop trying, and if i stop crying, i can forget truth lying-down dying down now, no more crying outloud, no will not to proud to blow away with the clouds
Hi @SoHopeless I just read your posts with a massive lump in my throat. As a Mother too I can only imagine the pain you are in right now. You are so brave to be sharing this about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your other children. It feels very unfair when life does this to us. I lost a sibling a a child when she was four in a freak accident and my mother still blames herslelf to this day even though it was just one of lifes bullets to take. However she got through its as much as a Mother can for me and my other 3 sybkimgs i have left. So know this.... your children are going to feel such pride in having you as a Mum who is choosing to fight to stay here for them. She was my superhero she taught us how to be strong. As Im sure youre children will be admiring you for also. Let the house get messy just focus on getting through the next 24 hours and repeat each day. Sending a hug if that would help in any way. Thinking of you ❤️
@Gildedbutterfly11
Thank you for your thoughtful kind encouragment. Im very sorry you also had this terrible loss to try to wrap your mind around. Its so hard, makes me question all things and not believe in reality as real or predictable any more. Ive lost everything from the chain of reactions since this happened. My other children saw the last breath taken with their own eyes as they were all together in that final moment and everybody was lost from that day on. Each one of us now struggles alone and trust is rare. We were all doomed by this to suffer. Many bad has followed and weighs each of us down. I pray and plead for the gods and God and all the angels to turn back time to prepare us to know how to have responded but my calls are wasted breath. I could never fully be able to explain the way things ended up as they now are. My other children are grown ups now as lost and defiant as anybody else ive ever met. I tried for many years to overcome this so i could be here to help when they were ready, but its looking like none of ever will be. Hug your loved ones tightly all the time because when that speeding (so-called) bullet strikes our lives, it might be the end of reality for ever as we knew it. May God protect you and your loved ones forever from the darkness that has decended on my family.
@SoHopeless I felt every word you wrote in your posts and I just had to send you praise for getting out bed each morning and functioning to even a minimum level. You are an increase woman being here to speak about your devastation when it
@Gildedbutterfly11
Hi, my name is Lyle, im not sure what i might have said to give the impression, but im a male. I very much appreciate your offer to try to help. I spent a lot of time (2hours) in a chat trying to explain it all and was supposed to chat again last night but the listener hasnt responded over the last 12 hours. Im close to deciding to go to the ER for help because ive written and deleted before posting, a few posts about self harm because the pain has been crippling me. I have isolated near completely for the past 1.5 years. I delt as best i could but cannot seem to put it off anymore. I flipped my schedule completely so i dont need to see the day time as much as possible. I dont drink or use drugs so i cannot mask this suffering, i feel all of it and have resisted finding help long enough. I appreciate so much for your kindness and words do help greatly, thank you, Lyle
Scrolling through the calander at full spped only confirmed the horrific dates times and memories that stack together into the casket that awaits my death
@SoHopeless Hi Lyle how are you doing today? 7cups has a sections on Crisis Resources with numbers to call if you are thinking about self harm. Going to the ER near you may be another good option. I wanted to let you know that some years ago I experianced a very difficult grief (not of a child) but I had those types of thoughts also. I almost had to be hospitalised but wasn't because I responded quicky to tht medications that the psychiatrist put me on There is nothing wrong with getting professional help. It saved my life. Please check out Crisis Resources as the listeners here are not equipped to deal with those kind of things. I think that you are worth getting whatever help that you need. Let me I know how you are doingI do care.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you, can i pm you?
@SoHopeless Hi I am not a listener so I don't have PM. Only the listeners have PM. How are you doing today?
@adventurousBranch3786
Im sorry you suffered like this before to, its a part of me that wants to work through this and another part strongly wants to quit to avoid further pain. My brain says i have to suffer through, but i do hear my childs voice sometimes and i want to go try to help. Im trying not to give into thinking tonight because i had a few impossible days in a row. I want need to foget
@adventurousBranch3786 Hi there just wondering what you know if sohopeless member is ok as I can no longer reply. Thank you and apologies for the random message x
@Gildedbutterfly11 No I don;t know how he is doing. The last message he said that he was posting too much and I haven't heard anything since.
@adventurousBranch3786 thanks for getting back to me I pray he is alright. Appreciate the reply. 😊
@SoHopeless I understand that it must be very tough and sad for you to lose a child. Do you feel comfortable telling what happened?
@klemen
Thank you. Its the very worst thing because nothing can have prepared anybody for such a shock.
Ive always been so optimistic and i still wake up every day with a bit and some hope and i try to stay organised but usually within 2 hours of waking up the weight of the depression sadness all my challenges all push me into completely thinking nobody could find their way out of this totally dark forsaken pressure to end this unsolvable situation that hurts on so many levels. I started to hear my childs voice but its not the same as the first time i heard it when i was praying. This is different. Some unseen force is preventing anybody from undetstanding or seeing how bad im suffering. I want to believe there is some way, but i cant see it and i cant find anybody that understands or who can guide me back.
@SoHopeless When I was down in the deep dark pit of grief despair it took me about 5 years to climb out of it. I hope that someday you will be able to also. I did have some help though. I saw a therapist and psychiatrist during those years. Have you thought about talking with a therapist?
@adventurousBranch3786
Hi, ive been trying to find a pyscologist but im not sure if thats what i need. Therapists dont seem to be qualified?? My insurance seems will only pay for a therapist only if they are also a social worker and im not comfortable with them. For some reason on 2 occasions when i met social worker therapist they seemed not to listen to me or want to look at the notes ive made. My issues are very extremely complex and i need a very smart trained professional to help me peal off the layers. Ive never been to anything more than hour long groups and so many ive lost count so i feel i could teach those groups. I need a real professional but im not sure what kind. I want an assesment for all the trauma losses depression emotional problems and im 99% certain i have some very bad ptsd, slight paranoia, major trust issues, and i even hear voices on rare occasions that im not convinced arent a supernatrual actual voice of my child trying to communicate. I have gone my whole life with issues but never addressed them. I self medicated for many years because i was to much in denial and because of the stigmas. I currently dont use any drugs or drink but i feel like possibly in many ways nobody could handle everything i have been. I might not be equipped to handle it much longer. Im tired, frazzled, having very strong urges to stop this pain permanantly. Ive been thinking about the ways to end it without a big mess or pain. I try to explain this all to listenets but i think they begin to feel overwhelmed also because 5 now havent gotten back to me. The initaial chats take a lot of focus and im very appreciative and respectful, but i think its just to much for anybody, they are involved and do great and say they will get back to me, but they just dont. Im getting convinced im loosing my ability to keep trying over and over and over. Can you, or anybody who is reading this tell me who i should go to having medicade as insurance? Thank you
@SoHopeless With medicaid as your insurance I believe that your choices are more limited as I think that you have to find providers who accept medicaid. I have been to both psychologists and LCSW's (social workers). The person that helped me with my grief many years ago was a social worker, she was very knowlegeble about grief but not as much about PTSD/trauma. I do have PTSD also and was finally able to find someone who was able to help me with that a couple of years ago.She was a social worker also. I haven't heard any voices, but I know people who have and for that they saw a psychiatrist. The listeners are not trained professionals they are just here to listen and give support. It can be frustrating trying to get help but I hope that you do not give up.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you. With social workers you dont get the same security for the information shared and with my trust issues and several people involved in how i feel, i cannot be basically jepardizing them. Social workers are mandated by the state to report some of the twisted tangled mess others have said and done. Im so stuck. I need to learn to trust again, but the past has taught me when i trust, i end up getting hurt.
@SoHopeless Everyone is different so do what is best for you of course.
@adventurousBranch3786
Im just at the point that i dont trust myself to know whats best any more. Life seems to throw me a lot of curve balls and my swing is no good. Thank you very much for caring. I appreciate it!
@SoHopeless I hope that you get find someone to help you thru all of this whether it be a professional person , volunteer, or a combination of those things.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you very much. I hope your doing good and are finding happiness and peace. I just reached out to a community family services and they couldnt do much but i showed them some things i like to make and i offered to use my creations for their fund raisers which will get me out for a bit of a social life from time to time. They talked about scheduling a day in Jan. to come in and have a chance to teach seniors and children how to make them and we can raise money for the community.
I really would enjoy that : >)
That sounds like a good place to start.
That sounds like a good place to start.
That sounds like a good place to start.
@SoHopeless
Your pain makes me worry about having kids. I rather not end up in an emotional mess when something goes wrong with them either big or small.
@SweetPearCrumble
If we live life worrying about what if's, we wouldnt be able to live at all. Its good to consider being ready and responsible. But a little love goes a very long way and i have many awesom memeries i wouldnt trade for anything. Hearing your concerned like that, tells me you would be a wonderful parent. Children teach us as much as we teach them, they remind us what life is all about.
To live in fear, it to not live at all
@SoHopeless
Thanks. I gave up on love. Love is for others, I don't know a man that can love a girl with good character and kindness. They don't seem to want ro be treated kindly but rather perfer someone with a sense of style and good body.
@SweetPearCrumble
I can agree with that, but if the difinition of love equaled loyalty a mutual caring, and shared goals with a promise, that love could live on
@SweetPearCrumble Hey just read your thread and wanted to ask.... can someone who is kind and has a good character not have good style and a good body also? Or Is that how you feel people vary with attraction? One or the other of those choices.... kind character or physically appealing? Just curious of your view on it. 😊
@Gildedbutterfly11
They aren't mutually exclusive. Trust me there are people that have it all those traits (e.g. Amal - George Cloony's wife and Victoria Beckham, Selena Gomez). However, not everyone is blessed with all these traits and if you are slightly overweight, your chances of a man being interested is nill even if you have the world of good traits to follow. Men are quite vane. The current generation in their 30s grew up with vanity (i.e. the tv generation) and mothers coddling their sons ( especially in the south asian/ asian cultures) resulting in horribly vane, egotistic, double standard boys (pretending to be men).
Im on this site to much, i just got a badge for my 500th forum post in only 9 days