It's time for me.
February 26, 2018 my older sister was pulled from life support. She had OD'd late the 24th or early morning the 25th. Her brain went dead. They kept her alive for 24hours before they let her go. I sat around for a day... Praying for a miracle... She didnt come back.
Me and her had not been that close, in recent years or really ever, yet her death shattered me. When her death happened I kept thinking back to the night we had last really hung out. We had a few drinks but the conversation was real. She disclosed her trauma to me which was the same as mine.
Noone in our family but eachother had gone through it (and the other sister that had, has it buried so far down she doesnt remember it or wont admit it, but thats not for today).
I tried to stay sober after her death, I truly did but I ended up getting hammered that night and all through the next day. I ended up pissing off all my sisters... I was a total wreck. I showed up at my moms where they have a no alcohol rule for week days. My sister that lives with my mom called me to ream me out the next day while I was still drunk and we got into a fight. Said mean things.
Noone understood why I was lashing out and acting the way I was. Why was I so hurt? I wasn't even her biological sister. Why was I making her death about me? Why was I using her as an excuse to drink? "She is just being dramatic and attention seeking again".
I guess that's what happens when your only ally in a trauma goes.... Your left alone with noone else to understand you.
February 28, 2018. I woke up this day after crying in my husbands arms all night. Scaring my 3 year old daughter... And I told myself... That not only was I not going to drink again, I was going to deal with my trauma. I cant say for certain our trauma is why my sister was an addict but I suspect it contributed to it.
I am not going to let our trauma destroy me any longer. I will find a way to move on. I will not leave my children without a mother or my husband without the love of his life.
My life story will not be a tragedy.
@Justconfused87
First of all I'm very sorry for your lost. My condolences.
Second of all, I don't think you were making stuff about you. We all grief differently. Some can't cope and turn to alchool or drugs, others don't even cry, others cry and scream, etc etc.
But I wish you all the best and hope for a bright future for you. That you might grief in peace and to not turn into alchool.
best of luck and sending you a huge hug.
@Booklover95 thanks so much for your kind words.
My mind keeps wandering back to the night I last spent with my sister...
Crying to Mudvayne's Forget to Remember, singing off key and hugging each other as the tears drowned us.
As much as it hurt to talk to her about it, it was a relief to know that I wasn't crazy. This actually happened to me, it happened to her too.
After so long of wondering if my mind was decieving me... These memories... Were they real? Did I really remember this? Am I just that sick and crazy my mind is playing a cruel trick on me. I felt validated, when she shared her experience. It mirrored mine so completely there is no way that we were both imagining it.
The only time I was sober and talked out loud of this trauma to a professional, I was a teenager... I wasn't ready yet... I spiraled completely out of control. I became completely suicidal and out of touch with reality. I became homeless because my parents couldnt cope with me. They didnt understand what was happening. So many times I almost died. Either intentionally or through something crazy I was doing.
I learned to keep it under control after a few years... It was pushed to the back of my mind where i thought I had it imprisoned. I became stable... I started holding jobs, finished college... Reconnected with my family.... Things were going fine.
Then slowly every once in a while it would seep out, come to the forefront of my thoughts... I would silence its whispers with a few drinks... As I drank though its whispers would grow into screams... I would drink till i passed out, and the next morning the screams were a distant memory through the throbbing in my head. I had beat it for the moment... Back to the back of my head it would go.
The reason this all comes back to me when I grieve for my sister is probably because she OD'd. I cant help but wonder of she OD'd because she was trying to silence the screams of the past like I do...
@Justconfused87
I want to offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your sister and in such tagic circumstances.
I can relate to trying to drown feelings in alcohol and to help push those thoughts to the back of your head.
I think its a very common unhealthy coping mechanism. I know that is what my childhood friend who was also abused does too. Pushing it all back and using any mechanisms possible (most of them being unhealthy) in order not to think about it and to take the edge of the sadness, soften the tremor of anxiety, blocking memories.......it was watching her helplessly unable to guide her away from the self destructive that she was on that inspired me to become more aware of my own self destructive actions and make the decision not to block anymore...
Not to wallow either but to accept the feelings, thoughts etc. and to calmly accept them like I would to any good friend , and to be patient and not panic and work through them as healthily as I can.
I can hear your strength in the words you have typed and I know you can do this, you can work through this and have the life and inner peace you want.
@Justconfused87
I wish you luck *hugs*
