Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Got triggered earlier Can't seem to calm it down. Catch myself panting like a dog and I want to crawl out of my skin. Too much pain emotional meental. How much his too much? Emotions bubbling up and I know I need to do something with them but holy fuck - its a tsunami. I don't wanna fall into the grey. Too many thoughts - shhh one at a time

We need to do something

It's pointless

We're allready in hell havent you noticed

Probably all be dead soon anyway

Toad is hiding

and I suck

The news the kids the news the kids the images are gonna kill me. They'e waiting - funny how they're more vivid when you close your 👀

So stall

I am

damn just broke the hand towel rack - good times

How do you find faith? Where do you find it? If God is forgiving does he forgive that I have no faith? Does he forgive that I hate him sometimes - most of the time - all of the time? Where is he? Waiting? For what? How many have to suffer. The blood of the lamb. I was won once. Turned into the black sheep. Now do the time for someone else's crimes. Just cause I must have pisses someone off once upon a time. Once it was hole but YOU fucked it all upand now I make it worse yeah I've allways liked to play with fire. Unclench your jaw relax and breathe

Need sleep we can count sheep

This body feels old. It hurts. The skin feels ill fitting. Clothing feels confining. Thoughts - Idk where to even begin. Mostly depressed with moments of anxiety. Keeping busy - taking advantage of the nice weather. Leaves have all been cleaned up, bulbs planted and mulch picked up for the flower beds. Strawberry plants have flowers - fruit trees have been pruned. Wood is getting chopped like crazy. Anger helps get the job done - it seems to go back and forth - anger - sadness - anger - sadness. A fucked up see saw. Thoughts can sometimes feed either one. I have been harming - sometimes I don't remember doing it

I know I'm avoiding people - isolating. Sometimes I write to someone - it feels right in the moment but then the after thoughts kick in. It takes so freaking long to get the words in an order that make sense but even then I wonder if they make any sense. Things seem to have multiple ways they can be seen - and I have my doubts about all of them. Sometimes the words come - but it's too late - way too late. I think maybe I'm alittle paranoid - maybe it's just extreme suspicion - lol Words don't look right - the lettering all wrong and they can be there one minute and gone the next - lol - like now and I feel the pull - the slip slide into nothing. Where do you go? Idk - into the grey I guess - just away from myself. It's funny trying to keep track of when it happens because most of the time I think it's an all day every day thing. *there are things you need to address and process J* I know and I try but I am failing miserably - I don't even think I had the chance to fully allow myself to grieve the loss of Kodie. All these boxes are rattling - I can hear the chains that keep them bound shut - the keys are in my hand - and I slip them into my pocket - turn and walk away

Just found myself in the kitchen - not sure what for - was there something I wanted? Racking my brain - clueless. Meds tend to be like roulette - did i take it? Or didn't I? Count how many are in the bottle - forget the number - recount. I'm even trying the tricks we used to use with my grandmother when she started to forget things - swish it in your mouth - put something on top after you take it - colored rubber bands - write it down - but the time loss fucks with me. The fun part is getting replies from people and not allways remembering I wrote them in the first place - it's not as weird if it's people I know - it's people that might be new - because holy shit - alot of times I'm afraid of what I might have said

Idk - writing this seems to have taken alot of energy - I'm tired and my hands smell like mint lol *smh* Idk - It's all good

What if your worst fears are realized?

Do you feel alittle lost sometimes? Disoriented by the darkness - unable to find the light. You lose touch with everything - days drip and trickle by in silence and alone. Unable to say the words that choke your throat - unwilling to reach for anything because - it's give and take and you have nothing to give. You tell yourself it doesn't matter because you feel you don't matter. Your suffering is justified - these are the consequences of your own actions. You feel unworthy - you feel nothing because you are nothing - these are your ghost clothes

I can't seem to find my way back - there's times I want to talk but I keep quiet - because it all seems so pointless and I'm so stupid to think - just to think - to dream. I'm told I'm allowed to feel what ever I feel but I can't seem to be able to do that. I feel - idk - just darkness. I don't feel like me - I haven't for awhile - Idk what to do with this

Most of the time I think I'm just somewhere else - reality doesn't seem real. All the pieces are taped together so sh*tty - it all falls apart and hastily they're swept together and reassembled but there's things in the wrong place and you resemble some messed up picasso

I'm a loser - I get that. I could be handed the key's to the city and I would f**k it up. I know this - god do I know it. I know I'm naive - I know there's alot I don't understand about alot of things - life

I let myself dissociate too much - I don't even try to fight it anymore. Whatever happens - happens. As long as we don't get ate by a bear - I don't really care and as horrible as it sounds and as horrible as it makes me - it's really easy to lie to your therapist on the phone - even if you do a video chat because they don't get the full picture - ya know? And for some reason I feel some satisfaction saying that and I know I shouldn't

I warned you - and a head nods yes - earnest eyes - yes yes I know we are monsters - sick like a sin - sick like a toxin - sick from within

Let's post so I can feel bad about it - yay me! Two thumbs way way up!

Dreams - dreams - dreams

Suck

An arm broken in two places and an uncle

*stupid boy*

Getting alittle better with talking down the anxiety but it could just be that the depression is just too deep for it to get too bad. Plus we've been busy - adding another section to the green house. Getting the garden ready

Theres been a break down in communication here and we've been ignoring each other. Talking only leads to arguing

I can't seem to shake this depression. I keep to myself - work around the house. Worry about wasting other people's time. I don't feel right - all the way around. Physically - some days things hurt - when they don't they don't feel like mine. I noticed earlier just walking - Idk how to explain it. Emotionally - I'm not even sure anymore about this. Some days there's too many different ones - other days there's nothing. Just emptiness. It's allmost as if you've given up but yet your heart still beats - you're just brain dead. I feel like I'm just serving my sentence - waiting - just waiting til it's done

Doc Z asks - How are you doing J? I say fine - He say's I don't think you are, let's talk about it. And I can't - right away it feels like I want to cry - so everything just gets shut down

Idk - Idk anything anymore - there's time loss all the time to the point it takes alittle to figure out the days - maybe they're just too monotonous

Idk - does it matter? Does any of this matter at all? What's the point really? In the end we all die anyway - if you enjoy life - doesn't it just make it harder to let go in the end?

It wasn't supposed to be this way - and I can't get it out of my head. I can't get her out of my head. I'm not even supposed to talk about it - everything is just a painful reminder - the reminder to send a card for a birthday for someone who no longer exists in my world. That was my fault. I knew it was coming and I remembered - last year. Reading for hours and realizing now just how stupid and childish it was. Sometimes anger flashes and I try to shove it away but God - the self hatred I have is eating me alive. And I miss - so much - but I have no right. My choice - decisions made on my end. The why's dont matter - I just know what is and what is not

I'm about done - with all of this. Counting the days - biding my time. Keeping secrets from parts of myself. I'm sorry - it's not boredom. I'm just a pathetic excuse of a man - a boy trapped in the wrong body with the wrong mind that was foolish enough to believe things could be different. Guess its pathetic - feeling sorry for myself - idk. Don't really care tbh

There's things I'm not allowed to talk about - things I can't talk about - things I don't want to talk about

I wanted to do something good but it's hard to do good when all you think is bad. It hard to offer hope - when you know there is none

I know it seems wrong - it probably is wrong. But the shame - makes it feel right - justified

At the end of the day - when all is said and done - I think we just want someone to understand - someone to care - to matter in some way. But it's us against ourselves and there's consequences for everything and a price to pay. That pound of flesh to pay for our sins and I am a sinner. We are the fears of the forgotten - the broken - the diseased - the sick and the twisted - souls

I've tried writing here at least two dozen times the past week. Sometimes I'd write a few lines and delete it - other times - just open and close it

Closure has been a thought lately - or the lack of it. The thoughts you have when someone just disappears - no words said - but the message is loud and clear. It might be the wrong message but I got it and well - I suppose I should say thank you - for the lessons I learned - they haven't helped any but I learned them earlier - at her knee first - play by other peoples rules or you get kicked off the team - I can't deny that the self worth took a severe hit but thank you for showing me the truth and the light

We keep busy here - from sun up til dark. Busy keeps the thoughts away - thinking shows me the painful truth and I see myself as a failure - all the things I should have done differently - things I should or shouldn't have said - I get it now - alittle too late but better then not at all I guess

There's been other issues here - people all but demanding scientific proof that alters are real people - their own people. Support and proof are different. Our therapist supports us as real separate individuals but because there aren't reams and reels of scientific text books - it's not the same. And this was here - in a place that's supposed to be free from judgement and place of support - it's - Idk - disheartening and causes problems for people like me and other's here who have the same issue. Allthough - I think it would cause anyone problems tbh - there's just somethings you don't do to people. It doesn't seem right to constantly have to defend yourself and then when you do - you get called a bully. Idk - I just get the feeling like the world is conspiring to keep me quiet

So now let's post and later wonder if I should have lol

Headache for the past two days. Another familiar face officially gone. I was warned it might happen. Not because of something I did but troubles they were having with the establishment. I wonder who's next. How can I not? It's hard to remind myself that this one isn't my fault. She reminds me this is why we don't let people in. Idk - I tell myself it doesn't matter but it's sad - because there's things I would've liked to have said. In the end I guess it doesn't really matter. We'll deal with it. We send out the good vibes and hope they reach across the universe to them. Thank you for listening V - for being kind and gentle. You will be missed

https://youtu.be/kPBzTxZQG5Q

For some reason this is playing in my head

Logan had - Idk - an out burst last night . Frustration I guess - too many questions and no answers. Too many empty words and nothing with any substance to it. He said a few days before that he had a memory of something but didn't share more then the wicked shall fall - kind of ominous tbh

Got my hands dirty last night - didn't even try to distract. The relief was short lived - it allways is

Other things on my mind - I think I'll hold these thoughts for awhile though. Nurture them and help them grow - I think I'll find comfort in them eventually - it feels like the truth in some convoluted way