Looking for online support fam 💕

Hoping to find community. Im in a place where I dont feel that the people in my life understand (or are able to understand) what Im going through. Its pretty lonely to go through completely alone. I am in counseling, of course, but Im in need of validation and support/encouragement for the other 6 days out of the week. It feels like a constant struggle to keep my head above water.

My story is that Ive experienced trauma throughout most of my life, but have been able to just keep going, push it all down, and grin and bear it. In my early twenties, the perfect storm happened for an abusive relationship; the mixture of factors, feelings of numbness, and the deteriorating sense of self led to a year of major depression with feelings of suicide (with one attempt). I dragged myself though the trenches and went back to school for a helping career, got engaged, and lived the life I always wanted; if you would have asked me in those dark times, I never would have imagined I could feel truly happy like this. Unfortunately, the engagement did not work, and I found myself back home at square one, but managed to keep my spirits up thinking that it means someone else is out there for me.

Fast forward to the end of the year (right before New Years). I decided to try my luck on Tinder, really out of boredom, but I remained open. I ended up hitting it off with an attractive, adventurous guy that seemed to know just what to say. I was shocked that he was even better in person, maybe due to his charisma and charm; also, he spent his time complimenting and carressing me (grooming), and insuring I felt safe with him. I felt so disarmed by him that I agreed to a second date at his house, where he planned to cook me dinner after my work day. I brought a bottle of wine, upon his request; we enjoyed conversation, and he continued the grooming (even so far as braiding my hair while listening to me—i felt this was different, but still seemed endearing). He went on to play me his favorite song (which happened to be about murder, and someone begging not to be murdered), and he got a little too uncomfortably close with a hatchet while at the fire pit..also trying to get me to go see something behind the shed on a property that was heavily wooded/secluded and backed up to a lake. The house was not actually his, and Im not sure whether the owner knew he was there; additionally, he gave a fake name, maybe due to his record of assault and indecent exposure. Anyways, I wont go into detail of the assault, which was planned with an opened bottle of wine he prepared by drugging it (later confirmed at the hospital). The manipulation was so strong, I knew I felt uncomfortable the next morning (as I had some memories—some scary— of the night before), but I didnt realize it was rape right away. I questioned him, asking him about what happened before I thought he was choking me/killing me, and all he could say was f***, and you remember a lot more than I would expect for being ‘blacked out. Never once did I say I was blacked out; I was really confused over why things happened, because there were gaps but I had pretty vivid memories, which apparently shocked him. I was in tears due to the uncomfortable energy in the room when we faced each other in the morning; I decided not to return (we planned to go off the grid camping the following day), and I left with him thinking I was returning with my dog after taking time to calm down.

Needless to say, its been a lot to process; both the concrete experiences of being taking advantage of, but also the what ifs of if I would have returned or gone camping. I have had a couple friends provide some support (and my mom—who has been my primary support), but everyone else has distanced and disappeared. This obviously has me feeling mixed emotions, and has resulted in only more distancing and even cut offs. I have been victim blamed by my own (extended) family. Its just been a really lonely road.

Now, Im feeling depression creep in again. Remembering how bad I was last time, I want to make sure Im doing all I can to help myself. I have that same feeling of emptiness and that Im just existing, but my hope for the future has diminished greatly. Im 31, and was hoping to begin trying to settle down with someone to plan a family. However, I cant even imagine how long it will take to heal enough to feel safe even going on a date again. It honestly just makes me sad and broken, and I hate that Im giving that to him. I wish I could speed up this process, even just to experience some hope that this isnt all there is anymore. Maybe someone else has gone through this muck, and come out on the other side to spread some encouragement. I keep going knowing that I have been worse, and I grew so much stronger; it just sucks to be knocked back down years after so much hard work.