Reader warning

Well, in the last couple weeks I've found myself making some progress on my horrible fear of sleep. For the last two years, I've forced myself to stay awake until my body collapses and it's slowly been killing me. I've always known it has been, sleeping from anywhere between 12-16 hours a week was never healthy but even if I tried to sleep more, the nightmares that acted more as flashbacks to my past, always caused me to wake in a world covered in anxiety. To fully understand it (and possibly because I just need to keep repeating this to myself to understand it) would require a look into my past but more specifically one moment.

At the age of 16, I was a respected and powerful member of the orginized crime syndicates within my state. But although I sat at the big kids table, I was still just a puppet who they believed needed a reminder of the rules. I was kidnapped, driven to the middle of nowhere, and forced to watch a man I never knew beg for his life before losing it.

I'll never forget the look on his face, the way he looked at me, as if I could somehow stop it. I see him, every night I sleep, and although I have been working on sleeping more and trying to get better I always see the man in my sleep. And it terrifies me.

Which is how I've gone two steps backwards. As a reaction, the nightmares pushed me off the wagon. I abused hydros again, and although I've stopped, the fear of a total relapse is ever present in my mind.

Hope all are well