My Diary - Potential TW

I apologize in advance, as my story is a rather long one, and there may be some triggering content, but I will ensure I give plenty of warning about it. I may also end up using rather foul language due to the severity of emotions this topic brings out. If you read through this entire post, you have my heartfelt thanks. I don't really share this with people, so some of the wording might be a bit scuffed.

CAST

K: Biological father, retired Marine sniper, husband to L

L: Biological mother, dietary manager, wife to K

J: Adoptive father, retired Navy corpsman, (now) ex-husband to S

S: Adoptive mother, no job, now ex-wife of J

A: Oldest brother (half-brother)

D: Older brother

R: Younger sister

T: Oldest sister (relation by adoption)

M: Older brother (relation by adoption)

B: Child Development Psychologist (also a f****** b****)

Potential Trigger Warning 1: Abuse allegations + CPS

When I was 4 years old, my 3 siblings and I were forcibly removed from my biological parents' home under allegations of abuse that were brought up by my aunt. My biological mother ("L" is what I will call her in here) admitted that she and my biological father (I will call him "K") did make some mistakes with us, but never even close to the degree that my aunt claims. K denies any abuse ever happened to begin with. All I know is that I was torn away from my family and put into the system, separated from 2 of my siblings. My little sister ("R") and I went to one home, and my brothers ("A" and "D") were placed into a different.

Flash forward to 6 years old, I am now living with a new family that seems kind at first. We will call my adoptive father "J" and my adoptive mother "S". I also now have an adoptive sister we will call "T" and another we will call "M:". I know this is a lot of people to keep track of, so I apologize.

J and S (more S than J) were keen on adopting us, and I was excited to have a "forever home". I was happy to no longer be worried about having to be uprooted yet again. As soon as A, D, R and I were brought into the home, the custody battle started, and that is also when the brainwashing and lies started.

A child development psychologist (let's call her B) was brought in for the case to both determine if my siblings and I showed any warning signs of abuse from K and L. Please forgive my upcoming vehemence, but this almighty imbecile assumed that just because a 6 year old (me) drew his father without an open hand, it's a sign of abuse, not that the child simply didn't know how to draw a f****** hand. Then, J, S, and B all started filling my head with elaborate lies, claiming all sorts of abuse and neglect that K and L apparently delivered unto us, and I was a young, impressionable child. At the time, there were supervised visitations with K and L, but I thought they were abusers.

So then, I turn 8. I was in karate for 6 weeks, but was then pulled out. This becomes important later. In just 3rd grade, I, myself, entered the court room to beg the judge to stop the visitations. To this day, almost 20 years later, I still remember the look of pain and sorrow on their face, and I can't help but to feel guilty, but little did I know that this would be nothing more than the tip of the iceberg. J and S would start to change, and the family would start to slowly fall apart.

By the time I was 10, J would never say anything to me unless it was him unleashing his fury on me for messing up doing chores or something akin, and S would always look for a reason to get angry with me. I was being heavily bullied at school, but I knew I couldn't go to S because she would simply blame the problem on me and, instead of comforting me or teaching me, she would lecture me on why I was a spoiled brat who needed to stop taking everything for granted. Except ... I was taking NOTHING for granted. As the years would go on, it would get worse and worse.

By the time I was 12, I was cleaning a 5 bed 3 bath house almost completely by myself as my list of chores. I would get screamed at if I happened to miss as little as a quarter of a square inch when vacuuming the living room. Every single time I would do a chore, I would give it my all, but it would never be enough. Eventually, I gave up. What's worse, due to how badly they'd come down on me over the smallest things, I would start lying.

By 13, I began begging to be put back into karate. I knew I needed the discipline and I knew I needed the confidence, but it would never happen. J and S would say things like "If you can go 2 weeks without lying, you can go back into karate" but the promise was never fulfilled. This caused me to sink even deeper into depression. I was already the weird, adopted, Autistic kid at school. I was a half step from being a school shooter.

Potential Trigger 2 - Physical Abuse and Abusively Ignored

The next year, I did one of the dumbest things I could have. I looked up p*rn on the family computer. I saw J and S returning home so I quickly started trying to delete specific lines in the browser history, but I missed one. Of course, being a 14 year old boy, when I was confronted about it, I lied and they caught me instantly. S came storming into my room with the information, demanded I get off my bed and stand in front of her. There, she slapped me across the face 4 times, screaming that I have no respect for women (completely untrue) and I am a sick monster for looking at p*rn. Then she left, and about 10 minutes later, J came in, gripped me (hard) by the right bicep, slammed me against the wall, got eerily close to my face and muttered, in a very dangerous tone, that if I were 4 years older, he would have throttled me on the spot.

For the entire summer, the only 2 times I was allowed to not be in view of J and S was when I was using the bathroom or sleeping. One day, M had come to visit and J decided to take him fishing. Problem is that S was out of town, so J looked me dead in the eye and said "Well I guess you're coming. You aren't allowed to say a damn word." M looked uncomfortable, but said nothing. We went onto the boat and, trying to be well behaved and respectful, I said nothing, but I couldn't hold back a few tears. J saw and thundered "If anyone should be crying, it's M, since you're ruining his fishing trip!". M looked at me, smiled supportively, and shook his head to let me know he disagreed.

Potential Trigger 3 - Assault with Bodily Fluid

Fast-forward another 2 years. Now, I'm a 16 year old boy who has lost the will to live and the will to protect himself. I was nominated for an Academic Achievement award, which was only given to students with a GPA of 3.5 or higher through their entire high school career up to that point. I didn't think I deserved an award. My mentality was that school was my job, and I shouldn't be rewarded for a job well done. That's the notion I was raised with.

Unfortunately, a friend of mine, whose mother was friends with S, was also nominated and her mother called S. This happened on my 16th birthday. Remember that when you read this bit. S called me down and I already knew it would be bad. She was sitting on her recliner, her feet propped up on the ottoman. She hated physically looking up at the target of whatever ire she was feeling, so S demanded I either sit or kneel in front of her. I did, and the questioning began. I tried to play it off like I had forgotten or left it at school (I don't remember which), but S called me out, then leaned forward and spat directly into my face, almost hitting me in the eye.

This thread post thing is already tremendous, so I will speed through the rest. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and I will elaborate.

When I was 18, I moved out, but it was a mistake. I developed a bad drinking problem, then my roommate at the time decided to invite his criminal buddy over (rap sheet includes over 30 counts of assault with a deadly weapon) and then paid that criminal $180 to urinate on me before kicking me out. During that timeframe, though, I did get back in touch with K and L. I dont blame him for kicking me out though. I was a nightmare at the time. So I moved back in with J and S for about 6 months before they kicked me out as well for having contact with K and L, and S disowned me. So I moved in with D and his roommate (who hates me). A year later, I moved in with a friend of mine, but my drinking got absolutely horrendous, to the degree I would clear 60 shots of a 95 proof rum on any average night, so before long, I found myself homeless. I got a job, and started rooming with my boss since he didn't want me homeless. After a couple months, I was able to basically rent out a small motel room, which was nice ... and then Hurricane Florence hit me. I lost my home and my job. A friend in another state told me I could come stay with him rent free since his cousin was moving out ... but the cousin never did. So I was trapped on the streets of a place I didn't know for 6 months.

Life didnt start improving until just a few years ago, when my current girlfriend pulled me off those streets, but to this day, I still have the nightmares. I often still wake up, thinking I'll be on those damn streets, or worse yet, back with S. J and I discussed the past and have apologized to one another. S and J got a divorce which changed J from a bitter grump to the kind of guy I can call my dad.

There is a lot that I didn't touch on, but those are the SparkNotes of my life. Please feel free to ask any questions, give any thoughts, any interaction is not just welcomed, but sincerely appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

TL;DR: I was taken from potential abuse to actual abuse, which caused me to develop a drinking problem that caused me to become homeless. Thank goodness I'm not anymore.