My childhood stories (TW some contain abuse)

Story #9

I'm writing this because this memory recently popped up in my head and I need to write it down before I keep forgetting it.

I can't remember what happened before or after this memory I'm about to write or what caused it. Only from speculation, I can assume it happened because my dad was mad about the organization of things around the house and all the stuff I had in my room. I was very young probably younger than 10, though I don't remember much from this. This is what I do remember though.

I remember being on my room floor and next to me was an orange bin full of toys I had as a child (if I remember the bin had a Halloween themed design on it in black). So my dad told me a while ago to try and clear out that bin and separated which toys I wanted to keep and give away (which was fine by me), But the only thing I can remember was looking through the bin of toys and nothing else. I can't remember if I separated any toys or not. ( I don't think I did because maybe I was going to do it later. I'm not sure because this memory is missing a lot of parts that I can't remember or recall.)

What I do remember though is me later still being on the floor, but the bin instead was under a desk that was in my room. In this situation, I heard my mom and dad arguing and yelling about something. Then all of a sudden my dad comes in the room yelling (i think yelling about the house, complaining about something, I think about it not being clean enough idk). He then pulled the orange bin from under the desk and tipped it over so all the toys spilled out and made a big mess.

Now me being small at the time, I assume I was young and easily frightened. When my dad made that mess I remember myself starting to cry and scream in fear. I remember I ran out of the room and into the living room where my mom was standing and in that living room we had a couch. My dad left my room and layed on the couch with his backside facing up and, his face facing the cushion. He looked like he was covering his head and face. My mom responded in an upset tone something along the lines of " Was that really necessary? why did you do that?" to which my dad kept saying "I know, I know, I'm a terrible father, I know I'm awful"

Then all I can remember after this is my mom and I picking up the toys. Nothing else.

This isn't a story but like I used to pee myself a lot as a child whenever my dad would yell at me. Like I remember one time my dad was yelling at me as a child while I was on the computer (for reasons I can't even remember why). But when he did I remember I peeing myself and had to ask my sister for help with the chair because I didn't want him to yell at me for peeing on the chair. I don't think he ever found out.

August 11, 2020

This isn't a story but I need to say how I feel right now or have been for the last few days. I don't feel like I deserve happiness or love. I feel like I'm a fuck up or annoying. I overanylze all my behaviour out of fear of messing up. I don't wanna experience joy, only to be let down. I'm not happy with myself. I don't believe I deserve anything. My self hatred is coming back. I haven't felt like this in a while and it won't go away.

I don't deserve love or care, I'm wasting peoples time and affection

Story #10

This is the story of how I got a big scar on my face and my dad was more upset about me not telling him about it then being worried about taking me to the doctor (spoilers: I didn't get taken to the doctor though I personally feel it was fair that my dad got mad at me. I kinda deserved it in this story. The injury did heal though)

So I remember it was late at night, I think it was summer vacation or some type of a break from school so I was watching youtube on my tablet. Our dog at the time his name was Toby, was sitting next to me on the right side while my mom was sleeping to my left. As I was watching youtube I all of a sudden heard toby growling very lowly but still audible. I looked over and stared at him for a bit, wondering what he was growling at. Tody then jumped and bit me right on my eyebrow and I pushed him off, thenTody fell off the couch and ran off. After that, I just continued watching youtube because I didn't feel much pain, that was until I saw a drop of blood fall off my face and onto my phone. It was then that I freaked out and went to check in the mirror and what I saw was a bite mark on my eyebrow with blood bleeding out of it. I immediately woke up my mom and asked her for help. She was pretty alarmed but helped me by giving me some cream and a band-aid to fit over my injured eyebrow. Now I can't quite remember why my mom suggested we don't tell my dad about the bite but that's what we decided to do. ( For me personally, I avoided telling my dad things when I was little because I was afraid of his reaction. I'm not sure why my mom was afraid though)

So I went to sleep in my dads room once my mom was done helping me. (Yes in this time my mom used to sleep on the couch and I would sleep in my dad's bed with my dad). In the morning when I woke up and my dad was awake he immediately noticed the band-aid on my eyebrow (because anyone would) and asked what it was. I don't remember what I told him as an excuse but my mom and I came up with a simple excuse and so I told him that. My dad let it go at that point but then at certain times of the day he wouldn't let it go and kept asking to see it and what it was. Eventually, he straight up came up to me and said "let me see it!" and he took off the band-aid and revealed the bleeding bite on my face.

At this point, my dad got really upset at me and my mom and just so angry that we didn't tell him. He then pulled my mom and I into his room (and my brother was next to him but he looked nervous and kinda worried) and my dad scolded us in front of my brother. Saying things like "Can you believe this man?!!" "I am so disappointed in both of you". Then after all that yelling my dad opened the door and said "get the f*ck out of this room!". My mom and I left the room and I sat on the couch and felt so panicked. I remember seeing my dad in the kitchen with my mom after that whole incident and being scared he was going to hurt me and yell at me. He would give me certain looks when he was in the kitchen.\

Later that day I was still on the couch and trying to calm down and my dad comes by being friendly and acting like nothing ever happened, hugging me and kissing my cheek. He didn't mention anything about what happened. and that's it really. I was never taken to a doctor and I spent the rest of my day trying to calm down and act as nothing happened.

Granted he was right in his rage, and luckily my bite healed and I'm good.