My childhood stories (TW some contain abuse)

Story #1 In one of many arguments that my mom and dad had I remember that I was asleep but I all of a sudden woke up to my parents yelling at each other in my room. I opened my eyes the tiniest bit so that I still appeared to be asleep but I was still watching the fight. My dad then all of a sudden punched my window in my old room and glass shattered on the floor. At the same time, droplets of blood covered the floor. I remember being alarmed. After my dad left the room I rushed over to my mom to ask what happened and what started this whole fight. Meanwhile, my dad wrapped his bleeding hand in a random small towel he found in the kitchen and walked into my brother's room (where my brother was with his friends) as if nothing happened with blood still dripping down his hand. ( I don't remember what my mom told me they were arguing about or if she even gave me a reason at all. Most of the time my dad would pick fights with her over minor things, including if she brought up his alcoholism) (Surprisingly even though my dad's hand was cut pretty badly in several areas of his hand, he did not go to the doctor and his hand healed fine)

Story # 2 In my old room my mom and I were sharing a bed and sleeping. (The thing is an annoying habit my dad had when he was drunk was when me, my mom, or brother were trying to sleep on a night my dad was drunk. He would decide to bother us by getting into the bed with us and touching us in ways that prevented us from sleeping. For example: for me, he would put his fingers in my ears, run his fingers through my hair really roughly that it hurt, and he wouldn't stop trying to talk to me even though I was trying to sleep and I had school) (with my mom he would do what he did to me but also grope my mom's breasts and down there area even when she didn't want him to).

However, on this particular night, he was putting fingers in my mom's ears and running his fingers through her hair like what appeared to be in a rough manner. (Keep in mind my dad was laying on the edge of the bed while doing this). My mom exclaimed for him to stop and to let her sleep when my dad all of a sudden fell off the bed and onto the floor. With his fall he knocked over what sounded like a container containing legos that scattered all over the ground. My dad stayed on the floor for a minute and then left. My mom and I heard him screaming in the living room. My dad the next morning was upset about the whole incident.

Story # 3

The first time my dad hit me it was over one of the legs (or stands) on a keyboard in his office accidentally breaking when I was using it. I remember I was hanging out with my best friend (for privacy we are gonna call her Jessie). So I was hanging out with Jessie and my dad called me into the office and once I got there he asked me about the keyboard. I'll never forget how angry my dad looked. I'll never forget how my mom and brother looked terrified of what I was going to say. I came clean and said I broke it but I didn't mean to and before I could say I was sorry. I remember my dad then grabbed the right side of my face and with his left hand slapped me across the face and continued to hold my face down and stare into his eyes as he kept mumbling "don't you ever do that sh*t again!". Young me actually peed my pants (which wasn't the first time that happened) and once I left the room my brother told me I should have lied so he wouldn't have gotten so mad. My brother took me back to my room where Jessie was there wanting to play with me, but I was silent and couldn't look at anyone. Jessie's older brother who was there that day was very concerned about me. Her brother put his arm on my shoulder and asked "are you okay?". I remember being so stunned I couldn't answer. (After this I don't remember what happened)

But after my best friend left I do remember my dad teasing me in a not so nice way about the fact that I broke the keyboard and making me feel even more guilty. (oh my dad was also being super nice to best friend on purpose and treating me bad on purpose saying things like "Jessie can you be my new daughter?".He made it look like a joke). When I walked away from him to hide he screamed "oh you're going to ignore me?!!" so I ran behind my mom and started crying. My mom told my dad to stop but then, later on, that night when I started to feel better from crying he said "can you not break my keyboard when you're mad?" in a mocking tone and laughed. I remember something snapped in me and I looked at him with a serious face and said "I won't if you quit mentioning that". my blood was boiling and he looked shocked and changed the conversation.

hehe,amazing times ain't it...

story #4

Once as a child I remember walking away from my dad for I forgot what reason. I remember clearly it wasn't intentional, I just didn't hear him calling me into his office. (I had to be about 8 or younger at the time) Eventually, he straight up screamed "hey!!!! come here!!" at that point I was confused and panicked (his voice really scared me and causes me to freeze, still to this day). Nonetheless, I walked back up to him to see what he wanted to show me. He then proceeded to get into my face really closely where his face was touching mine and squishing my head against the wall, he mumbled angrily "I wanted to show you something important! it might even save your life!" My head was pinned against the wall and I felt uncomfortable and scared he was going to hurt me considering I was alone with him. He then took me into the office still angrily to show me the thing but I can't even remember what it was because at that time I was trying to recover from what had just happened. So I just agreed with whatever he said so I don't cause any more trouble than I just did.

This memory tears me apart for the reason that I use it as a way to justify the abuse. Whenever I remember this I feel like I did deserve that, that I shouldn't have been so stupid. Or that maybe I'm just a difficult or bad child. Sometimes I feel like I deserve the abuse I got as a child. I know abuse is wrong but so was I when I didn't listen to him and made mistakes...

Story # 5 TW abuse and offensive slang used

So at this point in my life is when I started to notice my dad's drinking was going really downhill. So in this particular story, I have footage of this happening but I would never show anyone because if I'm not mistaken it never held up in court, but that's beside the point.

So basically it started out as my dad being very drunk late at night and usually when he was drinking I would try my best to go to sleep as soon as possible so that I could avoid having to deal with him. On this particular night that's exactly what I did. All of a sudden I woke up from my sleep to my dad screaming to the top of his lungs "maricona" at someone. (if you wanna know what that means, it means f*ggot in Spanish). I couldn't figure out who was he was screaming that at or why. I peeked out of my room, down the hallway looking at my old room on the other side that was filled with old stuff we had no room for. I saw my dad banging on the door very violently and hitting it with things while continuing to shout "maricona!" but it wouldn't open. (Now there had to be someone on the other side holding that door closed because that door has no lock).

I ran back to my room and my breathing became irregular as I took out my phone and started recording his voice and what was going on. (yes I could hear his screaming very clearly all the way in my room, the video is pitch black but you can also hear me breathing irregularly in the background)

I came out again as the screams subsided and saw my dad walk to the kitchen and started to throw the garbage and recycling bins on the ground (that were full) and making a mess. He noticed I was there and said in a slurred speech "(my name) come help me clean this up". I replied in a little angry tone "no! you didn't have to do that". I then closed my door and locked it but he began banging on my door and shouting, saying I was disrespectful. I then opened the door and as he walked in, I ran out quickly. (the weird part is he must have been so drunk that he didn't notice where I went. Even though I walked by him, and he looked for me for some time). I quickly hid in the room of the door my dad was pounding on at the beginning only to see my mom in there. Apparently she had been holding him back from opening the door. I'm not sure how long we waited there until my dad went to sleep. I still remember sitting in my room next to my mom talking to her with empty liquor bottles next to me. (my mom is a little bit of a hoarder so she kept these). I remember joking with her a little bit to lighten the mood, at the time it was normal for us and we joked about it, despite how traumatic it was.

My dad kept looking for me around the house, calling my name until he finally decided to sleep. but before he did he said this to me, I don't know if it was used to hurt me. my mom thinks it was intended that way. My dad said, "(my name) I'm not your father, mom knows who your real dad is". (Now I really don't believe this for a couple of reasons, 1st I believe we have a birth certificate and I highly doubt my mom has ever cheated on him or if she even tried. 2nd my dad was very known for coming up with outlandish things to make my mom look bad. For example, when I have brought up these stories to him in the past, including this very one, he dismisses me like "I don't remember that" and "oh your mother is brainwashing you". 3rd if anything my dad was more likely to cheat on my mom for scenarios and stuff that has happened that I will not get into here. 4th my dad has always been untrusting of my mom according to her, he always makes her check-in and accuses her of cheating or doing things on purpose. So I don't know why he said that and perhaps ill never know)

Story # 6 TW at little violence described

So this was the day my dad got arrested but I wanna clarify something in the beginning. Yes, I am currently living with him right now because he was arrested and we had a restraining order, but it expired so now he is back. (he also wouldn't stop bothering us despite the restraining order but that is a story for another day). No, he isn't "physically" abusive as much anymore, especially with me I assume because I'm almost a legal adult. For my brother, I can't speak because I don't know (my brother is older than me). My relationship with my dad is most distant when he's sober and awkward when he's drunk. (not the best but ill accept it) ( there are rarely arguments but mostly tension at times)

Anyway on with the story. So on this particular night, things were very unexpected. Like literally, I didn't hear any arguing and I was just chilling in my room listening to music while my brother was next door to me playing video games with a friend he had over. (btw this friend of my brother is my best friend Jessie's brother) So all of a sudden my dad rushes through my room running away from something, opens the door to my brother's room, and lays on his bed hiding. My mom came in rushing behind him and said "you hit me!" (btw quick side note this wasn't the first time my dad hit her, he did a few days before this but I guess I was so desensitized and used to it that my mom and I brushed it off at the time). So my dad looked at her and said "you don't have any proof of that!!!". My mom then pointed at the red mark on her face, it did look like a hit and asked my brother and his friend " doesn't it look red?" and pointed at it. (Now for context my dad used to always threaten my mom and something he said a lot was the phrase " you know I know how to hit without leaving any marks" and would make a motion like he was gonna hit her) (which sucks because he's kinda right, I mean I never got a bruise or scar when he hit me so no one ever noticed, NOT even the CPS). My mom then yelled,"I'm calling the police!!" and that's exactly what she did. While doing that I took a picture of her face and the red mark was pretty noticeable. (however according to the lawyer that helped us in court, it wasn't needed) ( i still have these pics to this day). My dad booked it to a hotel before the cops showed up but eventually, with some help of us the cops found the hotel he was at and got him.

Before my dad left for the hotel, my mom and I just couldn't stop yelling at him. I was so filled with anger that I literally could not stop and words just kept coming up. Eventually, I yelled "never come back" and he came back for a bit and said "you know what's very disrespectful to say to your dad" and I and my mom replied angrily at the same time "You don't deserve respect!!". ( I apologize if this offends you but I am a firm believer that you don't automatically gain respect because you are a parent. You gain respect from respecting your children and others and then the child reciprocates that respect for you) I just wanna say, my dad away from the house was nice while it lasted. However, we are financially dependent on him so I guess HE HAD TO COME BACK.

My Mom's perspective: According to what my mom said, she and my dad were in the living room and he had been drinking a bunch ( Even I noticed, he once finished a whole 18 pack of beer in one day with liquor.). So when my dad ran out of beer he wanted more and asked my mom "go get me more beer, come on" and my mom simply said "no more beer" and he just held out his arm straight and slapped her. My mom even showed me where it happened and how it happened. So yeah not looking so good.

(btw side note... seeing your dad in a mugshot.. looking drunk... such an uncomfortable feeling... it haunting)

Story #7 (this was before my dad got arrested)

This story happened when I was still in middle school. So one morning I was getting ready from school and went to use the bathroom at my house (we have about 3 bathrooms). Usually, when someone is using the bathroom and my dad needs to use it he tells them to let him know. So he asked me to do that when I was in the bathroom and I said okay. Well apparently I must have been in quite a hurry that day and just kinda forgot and I really didn't mean to. My dad then comes up to me with an attitude and askes "hey with didn't you let me know you were out? come one (my name) fuck" and I said "I'm sorry I think i forgot" and he replied "well next time remember" and walked out angrily. So I turned to my mom kinda annoyed and asked "what's his problem?" to which my dad proceeded to turn around and say " what did you say?! you disrespecting me?!!". I just stood there quietly as he kept making gestures to intimidate me such as getting in my face.

So for some reason despite the fact he was mad at me, he insisted on driving me to school!... and boy what a drive we had. I could barely say a thing because I was uncomfortable and stiff.. I wanted to cry but didn't want him to see me cry. To rub salt in the wound my dad looked at me and said " You know.. you're turning out to be disrespectful just like your mother and hating me.." " You need to learn some respect" followed by a huge lecture about how I'm out of line. After all that then he just said " but I still love you". I stayed silent. My dad added, " Do you love daddy?". I replied "yes.." and he could tell I was on the brink of crying and he noticed but didn't say anything.

When we finally got to the school I quickly got out of the car and ran into the school with my head down to cover my face because I was already starting to cry. I ran into the girl's bathroom and quickly wiped my face and went to the cafeteria to get free breakfast. It was there that I met my old friend David who always gave me hugs at school. As he hugged me I made sure my face wasn't as visible that I was crying. When he hugged me I felt so overwhelmed with emotion that after the hug I left the cafeteria and locked myself in a stall in the girl's bathroom. I didn't eat breakfast and sat on the floor crying until 1st period started.

side note: when my mom picked me up from school at 3 pm she supposedly said my dad (for the first time EVER) looked guilty for what he did and was dead silent when he came back from dropping me off. At this point, I really didn't care or believe it. When he came back home from work he did buy me a toy which made me happy so I guess that was good. He did that very often when he did something wrong. I mean I wish he would have apologized but he never did. Well, at least I got a new Lego set that day.

Story #8

This story is a little lighthearted and honestly, it was the first time I've ever admitted to another person outside my family that I needed help. So my sophomore year of high school I did good in my classes and in my extracurriculars but my family life wasn't the best at home (there were lots of fights between my parents and the house would get thrashed at times). On one school day I don't remember what made me upset (i don't know if there was a fight before that day or what) but I was sitting in geometry class and we weren't really doing much work because it was close to the end of the year so our teacher just had a movie on while everyone just chilled.

There was this kid I used to always help with math homework because he had an extra math class and he was in my geometry class. For his privacy, we will call him Harry. I never minded helping out Harry with homework because he was very appreciative and always thanked me for my help :).

On this particular day, while everyone was doing their own thing, I remember I would mostly isolate myself, and that day I was feeling really down about something. Even though I normally kept to myself at school. So Harry came over and sat next to me and asked "Hey are you okay?". I responded, "Yeah, why?" and Harry asked again "You sure? I don't seem like it". So I responded "Oh its just family problems.. ya know" and for some reason when I responded that I started to tear up but I wiped my eyes and played it off like I was just stretching. I couldn't really maintain eye contact with him and I think he noticed. Harry looked at me and said "Oh yeah I have family problems too.." then there was a silent pause and he said "You know.. You can talk to me about your problems". I was surprised. I looked and him and asked "really? you sure?" and he responded, "yeah you have my number". I remember I thanked him and then after I think class ended.

side note: I never did text him telling him about my problems or anything because I had internalized the feeling that I was going to be annoying him or be too much. I also was afraid of getting my dad in trouble. I really appreciated this from him though, it was the very first time I trusted someone who wasn't my family and told them how I really feel. It was a breakthrough for me when I was in 10th grade because at that time I kept up the facade (or tried to) that everything was okay and that I am okay when it really isn't... This story gives me hope that people care and I recently come to meet people who do care <3 :)

8/7/2020 (TW angry vent)

So this isn't a story but I really need to vent. I hate that I still get these feelings over dumb things but here I am back again. I'm tired of getting this feeling in my stomach every time something stupid brings back memories. I'm tired of freezing up or isolating myself when I'm triggered but it is what it is. I'm tired of feeling sick in my insides because of something dumb that triggered me.. I'm tired.

I don't know why I am like this but when my dad displays affection with me when he's drunk like he just did a few minutes ago tonight it makes me uncomfortable. It always has as long as I can remember. Considering that when he's sober he often is very cold with me, it makes me triggered when he's drunk and gets too touchy with me. It also annoys me that when he hugs me he plays this manipulation of saying over and over "oh you don't love me, you hate me" (BTW he does this very very very often, which is annoying when I constantly used to give in and say of course I love you. Its obvious he is seeking validation but it is getting annoying). It makes my blood boil and I am pissed, I am angered. I never respond yes or no to that question and you wanna know why? because ever since I was a fricking child I have been nice to him, I have been obedient, I have tried loving him despite what he did to me and it was never enough because he would always find reasons to say I don't love him or I hate him. ( I understand needing assurance that someone loves you but this is too much, come on he has been cold with me so many times and I don't constantly ask him is he loves me)

After this, I was starting to get heated and started mocking him about his manipulation. I looked at him and said " sometimes you act like you don't love me..." and he tried to reassure me that he did but I just go along with it, I don't generally believe it. I just can't, I've tried to so much. He told me a few minutes ago that he's is proud of me, that I'm beautiful, that he loves me and doesn't want me to forget it and he seemed genuine but I still just can't believe him. My mind can't grasp it. I smiled at him making me laugh after but I really didn't buy into it. I try so hard to believe it but at this point in my life, I feel like its too late for those words. I'm not saying I don't appreciate them now, because I do. But where were these words when I was a baby? where was this love when I was 5? where was this presence when I was a child? where was this gratification?

All I heard as I child is "i dont care about you" for no reason when he was drunk and got mad at me because while he was drunk talking to me, I told him I needed to use the bathroom. He literally told me once he doesn't care what happens to me. He doesn't remember probably because I didn't matter to him. SCREW my love for him... it doesn't matter anymore. it doesn't matter what I do, I distance myself from him, yes I'm not close with him, why? for my own mental sanity. I'm tired of pretending to love people to not cause trouble, it's too late to change my mind.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO TRY? IVE BEEN TRYING. I know he seems to be trying too and I don't want to be insensitive but.. it feels like way too late.. I really needed to hear a lot of these things when I was a child, I needed to hear those nice words for him when I was crying in the school bathroom, I needed to hear those things when I was contemplating running away as a child, I needed to hear this when I was having flashbacks of my dad hurting me during class in middle school, I needed to hear these things when I felt alone and hated myself and body, I needed to hear this when I was still growing... and I still am growing but... hearing what I needed to hear when I was young just makes me want to cry... it doesn't erase everything..

I feel kinda guilty at the moment. I don't know what it is. I'm trying to stop feeling like this. why won't it stop?

I'm 90% sure I'm just overreacting but like why won't it stop. I'm just tired. I try my best to please others but I feel like there is always something to criticize. I normally take constructive very well but I guess I'm feeling like this because it came from a family member whos close to me. and while I get her point, the thing is she has criticized me a bit in the past for a lot of things. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I feel like I have to try my best to make sure I don't tick her off. I listened to what she said and I totally understood and welcomed the criticism (i even accepted it at the moment) but I can't help but feel like this. why won't it just go away?

I don't know sometimes I feel like just changing myself completely. I mean IDK why I'm feeling like this. I think I'm being dramatic. I just wanna stop feeling this insecurity and self-hatred. It all came back at full force. Out of nowhere.

I'm struggling with self-harm intrusive thoughts, though I managed to remain clean and keep myself under control. I just really hope these feelings go away..