My life so far (might be depressing or just disturbing)

Hello everyone I'm currently 15 years old. My name is Fin and honestly I hope this is the right place to post. I just think it'll be good for me to get a bit of this off my chest. So i'll jump into it these are some things that have happened to me so far.

So I guess it started when I was 7 my parents got divorced, I live with my mom and older siblings. At first I saw my dad often every weekend but then it seemed to slowly fade and I barely see him now. But that is not the bad part I took this okay.

It was my brother that was the worst he started to beat me right away. My mom would do nothing, my sister was hardly home she didn't know what he was doing. Only about four months after my parents divorced he hog tied me with rope and put me in the bathe tub he put the plug in the drain and started running the water. He then said to me "I hope your drowned when I get back". I cried so much I thought I was going to die. Luckily my mom came in and untied me she never even said a word about it to my brother. I thought I'd be okay and would try and block out what my brother was doing.

But then a year later.....I took a dark turn I started to obsess about everything I did not know the answer to I was to curious. One of the things I was most curious about was what happens after death. I wanted to know so bad I thought if I could find out my curiosity would be satisfied. I could never test this out and it bugged me a lot. So I started to "experiment" I started killing bugs and then I tortured bugs and then rodents (i know you will think i'm a monster, i know, okay i'm terrible, but i just want to tell the truth). One day my sister caught me holding a knife in one hand and a mouse in the other hand. My sister asked me what I was doing and I responded "nothing yet" she knew I was being smart with her she said the truth that i was a sicko and how she always knew I should have been aborted and she wondered how I could kill something I responded "This life is pointless it was made just to kill there is no wrong in killing such a pointless life you should know that *****" . She of course made me drop the animal and knife and she left and told my brother. I never really saw my sister after that she went to college and never came over.

When my brother found out he beat me till I couldn't see and then locked me in a shed for a week. When he let me out he dragged me into an ally near our house and beat me somemore, he then did something I didn't really understand at the time even though I was pretty knowledgeable for an 8 year old. He sexually assaulted me then left me in an alley way curled up in a ball crying. I told my mom she never did anything.

Another year later when I was 9 my dad died I never knew him that well but still I felt bad that I never got to know him. My dad was cremated and we were given his ashes. When we got home my brother must have found a way to open the container the ashes were in because he came over to me and poured them all over me.

Fast forward to when I was 10. My curiosity was starting to consume me I had so many questions and very little answers. My obsession with what happens after death was the worst I just spent hours thinking about it. One day my brother got mad at me for going in his room so he tied me to my bed grabbed a knife and left a big cut across my chest he left me there. I felt the stinging pain and some blood run across my body it was a light cut just enough for me to bleed not for me to die. But I was stuck there tied to my bed for hours thinking. I finally managed to get loose but I felt stuck. While I was tied to the bed I thought of a solution to my problem I could figure out what happens after one dies all I have to do is die. So once free I took the rope my brother used to tie me to the bed and made a noose I knew how from a youtube video. Anyway I stood on a chair and tied one end to my ceiling fan and left the noose part dangle. After a moment of thinking I put the noose around my neck and jumped off the chair. I felt the pull of the rope against my neck I felt the feeling of my breath slowly fading. Then my brother comes in sees me and rushes to get me down. I must have passed out because next thing I knew he was standing over me smiling he then said "You can't die I'd be bored without you".
After that I stopped killing things, but my curiosity still ate away at me

When I was 11 that's when my brother got even worse he loved to tie me up and beat me. I always tried to fight back one time my brother took out a knife it was nothing knew so I kept fighting and in the chaos I managed the stab my brother in the arm with his own knife he got so mad he stabbed me in the stomach. I managed to live but I costed my mom the little money she had. We were kicked out of our house my mom found an apartment we could just afford. Me and my brother had to share a room it was hell. He had even more fun tormenting me I had this problem where I wet the bed because I had such bad nightmares. My brother would practically torture me before going to bed which made my nightmares worse. I was once so scared I asked my brother to help me he laughed and told me to not go to sleep he then dragged me outside and locked me in the snow so I could stay awake.

I remember when I was 12 I would just sit and think for hours about stuff I didn't know stuff I felt I needed to know I would ask so many people all types of questions and they kept their distance from me. I had this problem where I would ask very uncomfrable questions and people were creeped out I couldn't help it though. And that is when I got bullied honestly it was easy the bullies insults were nothing compared to what my brother says to me. Even if they were mean I could ignore them . But my home problems were getting worse my mom got really depressed, but my brother got a job that paid well he was doing good in socities eyes but in my eyes he was just as bad. Always beating me and tying me up. Once it was so bad I called the police they never did anything when they got to are house my mom said nothing was happening and my brother acted like an angel. My brother then took me and burned my hands on the stove when the police left

When I was 13 almost 14 I came out as transgender (ftm) my mom never really cared but my brother was thrilled. He said " I always knew you were my little brother now we can have more fun little brother" since I was older I fought back a lot more but he was four years older then me and physically fit. I was underweight and not physically fit because my brother made sure to keep me weaker then him he kept food from me, made sure I would have nightmares so I could hardly sleep. My brain was so tired because of my constant thinking and theorising. That I could hardly muster up the will to try and fight him off. But my brother was just to strong he tied me up and beat me up me then sexually assulted me for the second time as he did it he said "I didn't feel right the first time, but now that you look more like my little brother it'll feel better for me". After he did that he threw me down a garbage shoot I almost broke me neck but luckely I didn't. Just a broken arm and twisted ankle and a long night in a dumpster crying.

When I was 14 I came home from school one day to a quiet house I didn't understand why it was so quiet till I came to the bathroom door there was blood coming from the crack at the bottom of the door. I reached for the door handle surprisingly it was unlocked I opened the door and found my mom dead with her wrists cut. I broke I started laughing I stopped thinking and just broke. When I finally came to my senses I called the police. The funeral was awkward only me and my brother were there my sister never even showed up. I thought that would be the worse part of my year till my brother got custody of me. Everything got worse my brother did everything from burning me, electracuting me and trying to drowned me. My brother always says this "I may hurt you but I would never kill you little brother". And he also sexually assulted me a couple more times he says the more i look like his little brother the better it is for him. I really honestly just think of all my unanswered questions it's one thing that i still dwell on, it always manages to interest me it the oddest ways.

So I just turned 15 and I'm not sure if this counts as a tramatic experience but I felt I should type something.