My place to talk

@shellofashell Hi, I just want to say thank you for stepping out and posting this. I joined this sub-communtiy for the exact same reason. Although I know I'll never understand how you feel with what you've been through, I can definitely connect to you. We have a lot in common and if you ever want to talk, I think you and I could become really good friends. :)

I believe I need to work on trust. I get these ideas in my head about myself. I look at myself in such a negative way, like I'm so irreversably flawed. I feel like I'm not good enough for my partner. I had the thought this morning that this may be disrespectful to them. They chose me for a reason, did they not? They see things in me that I do not see in myself. As I have realized that I also value things in them that they say they'll never fully understand. Am I taking their choice away by in essence telling them I think they're wrong about me, like I know more than them? They know me pretty well by now and have accepted me through many situations. Perhaps I ought to trust them to make their own decisions about whether or not they want to be with me.

Will I remember this the next time I get on my own back and feel the urge to push everyone away?

I've been having a lot of time away from home, and some time at home away from work. It's been helpful. I am somewhat reset, reflective, maybe even enlightened.

For a time I was feeling bad when problems would come up with my partner. Like I was afraid there were too many, or something would remind me of something else from my past. But I've been feeling like the problems have actually helped our relationship get stronger and helped my comfort level, because of the way things have been handled. Some of that is me, and I'm proud of myself, but a lot is them. They listen and try to understand. And they do understand a lot of things already because they've been through a lot themselves. They're really level headed and can talk about things openly, which sometimes can be shocking for me. I have to remind myself regularly that this is actually a positive way to communicate, because I'm used to everything being hidden and having to guess. You'd think this would be relieving, and it is, but it sneaks up on me and sometimes I will be distressed about it before feeling better. I don't like that, but I'm working on being more conscious of my thoughts. It makes me feel sick that I'm more "comfortable" with toxicity than healthy relationships.

My eyes have really been opened to what kinds of people I invite into my life. I always think people are nice, because they're not as openly aggressive as others (I get very uncomfortable when people are aggressive or threaten things). I gravitate toward those who are quieter, maybe even sad. I like helping people. I like reaching out to someone who's been needing that. Why does it tend to seem like they turn after that? Like instead of feeling appreciative, they get mean and demand more. It's almost like they get angry with me if I do something for myself or someone else instead of just them. But it's not like they're always there for me. They'll easily go off and do their own thing and forget about me. Missed appointments, or take days to get back to me. Normally I don't even care about that, but every once in a while it will have a negative impact on me, but if I dare to say anything the anger comes out. But they'll expect me to respond to them quickly, be there right when they need me. Even if I have a legitimate reason why I can't, they'll keep making these snide comments about it trying to make me feel guilty. I don't have an easy time talking about any of this with them. If I try, it's like they go straight to victim mode complaining about all the things they have to deal with, completely ignoring the fact that I'm going through quite a lot myself. Like their problems are bigger or more important than mine, or my job is to be there for them. If I try to make space, they'll accuse me of not being understanding. Or say I'm not considerate of their feelings, which is exactly the opposite of what I tell them. I just ask them to consider mine too, but it's like they flip it around somehow. If I try to do what they do, almost like giving them permission to just be the way they are and I'll conform, then they hypocritically complain about it. Probably the worst is when I find they've talked to someone I know about me instead of talking to me, or I read them talking about me in group messages without saying my name. They think it's ok because they didn't use my name, but I think some people know they're talking about me, and obviously I do even if they try to pretend it "could" be about somethingelse. I think they do it purposely knowing I'll see it, and that's the way they're trying to communicate with me and change me, instead of being a big enough person to talk to me directly.

It's easy enough to say just avoid people like that, but why does it feel like they're everywhere? I think improved at spotting these types of people before I get too involved, but sometimes it really is hard to tell. Sometimes I can do something nice for someone, and it's appreciated, and it's left at that. I swear it doesn't take much to get involved with the other ones, then suddenly I find myself feeling trapped and they just never stop. I also don't understand why I can understand one minute how wrong the situation is, but the next minute feel like I'm the problem because maybe my past messed me up too much to know right from wrong or in between. In a way it's true that I am the problem, because I'm allowing people to treat me this way.

Do you confront, or do you walk away? My life's question. I swear I try everything I can think of to resolve things with people, but it's almost like they enjoy the struggle or get something from being the victim and have no interest in it coming to an end. So I always end up getting to a point where I've had enough and I walk away, but then I'm the bad guy. At this point, my partner is the only proof I have that people won't always be like that.

I was also thinking about structuring my time to start my day off better. I don't do well in the mornings. It feels nice to write here. I also like doing the growth path exercises. I picked one on self-confidence. I enjoyed answering some questions from the Noni bot on journaling. These seem like things I should do to start my day off better. I don't know how to get past the depressed mindset. I do ok once I get going.

How many of my problems are because I don't allow myself to get angry at people? I am understanding to a point that I make excuses for everything they do. That's good sometimes, but there are times when anger is justified. Otherwise I end up internalizing all my feelings and blaming myself. It doesn't mean I have to go off yelling, but I can tell them I'm angry or take other action.

Other people's anger scares me. Sometimes I can talk myself down from it when I know they're trying to talk with me. But some people like to intimidate and threaten, and I let them. It makes them feel all big and bad. I'm angry about that.

I was thinking about why I really joined this app and made this page for myself. I seem to be angry a lot when I come here. I talk differently than I do face to face. Makes sense. I don't feel comfortable sharing my anger with others. So I do it here. I'm getting the idea that I'm really pretty angry about a lot of things, and that it needs to be talked about. Mostly things having to do with people. Sometimes myself, in relation to other people.

My partner and I have been starting a business venture. This sort of thing is right up my alley, uses my skills and interests. I get a lot of positive energy from it. I feel like I tapped into my lost self. Unfortunately my energy gets quite low sometimes with the depression. Trying to find a balance. Sometimes it feels like I need a lot of rest. But when I rest I never feel rested, so then it feels like a waste. But I'm tired.

@shellofashell thank you opening this thread. I just joined in this group. I have not read everything that you have written, but as much as I read I felt less alone. I feel I am weak, incapable and not in control of my emotions. Recently I am learning that I have to feel all of my emotions before shoving them deep inside me. I have good days and bad days. But I am trying.

I have to stop thinking about what other people do or don't do. I have no control over them. Things either mesh with someone or they don't. If they work for the most part without extensive effort on my part, then I can put more of myself into it. If I feel like I'm constantly swimming against the tide, then I need to minimize contact. And then I don't need to waste anymore thoughts on it. I have had easy relationships. When things seem too hard, it doesn't matter what excuses or good I see in the other person. I can still be kind and respectful without losing myself.

Sometimes I reject the nice things my partner and others tell me about myself. It's like I keep myself in jail, prevent myself from moving forward.

My thoughts have been wandering lately to what I would do if she/they ever tried to regain contact. It's been so long that I doubt they ever would, but you never know. Sometimes life circumstances change and fear or regret sets in. I imagine by now she's said whatever she needed to in order to save face, and she can get sympathy from anyone who knows. I tell myself this as a means of comfort instead of hurt, because I don't want them to contact me ever. Is it possible for her to ever feel real remorse at this point? Can one develop feelings as they get older and the realities of life set in?

Gone are the days when I longed for an apology, or a family. I've never missed them, at least not in a normal way. I've missed certain things. You can't really miss what you never had, but maybe you had moments you clinged to that you thought resembled something like love? Where you felt acceptable, maybe laughed together. Even if I was deemed acceptable for the wrong reasons, I miss those. I miss what I imagine things could have been like.

What would I do if she ever apologized? Would I be able to tell if it was authentic? Would it matter? What would be the moral way to respond? I feel like I'd want to do the right thing, even if I don't want anything from them anymore. I'd want to do right by them if they were genuine, despite my feelings. Would it require an in depth apology? Things have always been admitted. What if she said she finally got professional help? Would there ever be a point where I could try again with them? Would I offer forgiveness without reconciliation? Or would I say off my property I'm calling the cops?

I have no regrets. I don't need closure from them if something happened to me or them. I've prepared for that, as much as I can be. Still after all this time, it's unnatural. It shouldn't be like this. Everyone should have a family. Even if you don't need one.

I recently came across the idea that, whatever it is that your heart desperately wants, the universe / higher power / whatever presents opportunities for you to work toward this. They may not be obvious opportunities. In fact, they may appear like the exact opposite of what you want.

For example, I very badly want to be more patient and tolerant of things going wrong. I want to be a calm person. I want to be less easily overwhelmed. But instead of just magically making me be that way, I am presented with situations over and over that test my patience and tolerance, so I can learn to be such. I repeatedly fail the test and quickly snowball when too many things come at me. I'll feel out of control, emotional, angry, weak, overloaded, and what seems like a million other things.

Today was one of those days. I am so tired mentally (and following, physically) that my willingness to tolerate very much going wrong is very low. I need things to be easy for at least just a little while. I sometimes feel like more goes wrong for me constantly then it does for other people, but I realize that may not be true. If it is true, then there's probably a fairly logical reason, like the fact that I make things harder on myself by switching things around a lot. For example, if you never change your cable company, there's less chance of something getting messed up because you're setting up something new. This is what I tell myself to feel better anyway.