My secret life *abuse

Don't really know where to start I just feel like I need to get secrets out. I'm tired of carrying them to protect someone else for fear of negative impacts on them despite needing to open up about it.

I've been with my boyfriend for 13 years, he is my first and only. Things were very good in the beginning but he was always pretty critical, judgemental and strong willed. He liked things done his way and I didn't really mind because I don't like making decisions much and I'm pretty shy so it worked out that he could do the talking and leading. It did bug me that he was so critical of others but people are entitled to their opinions and he would only speak his mind privately.

I'm very much a people pleaser, I will disregard my own feelings for someone elses in a heartbeat so when someone else wants something I will let them have their way regardless if it hurts myself. This became a bad combination with someone who is used to making sure he gets his way. Basically he'd want to do something I didn't entirely like the idea of but I'd agree because I wanted him happy, he'd be oblivious to my hurt and I'd wonder how he could not see something that seemed so obvious or how he could put selfish needs so far above as to not care it hurt me. I won't go into specifics right now but can if anyone wants to discuss it. We'd fight a lot about things like this and I'd eventually blame myself because it really was no one's fault but my own, he's not a mind reader. Problem for me is that eventually he became physical during arguements as a way to end the conversation and I still blamed myself for it. I also blamed myself because I provoked it, I was often warned to stop talking. It's kind of the "poked the bear", can't rattle the cage and then act surprised.

I feared the reaction from friends of family if I told them I was being abused and I feared if I told a therapist that it would become a criminal matter, I don't know exactly how it all works but I figured if they thought I was in harms way it would be their job to take action, which I didn't want. I didn't want to tell anyone because what if we worked things out and then that's hanging over him all the time. He was going through a major life stress that left him angry and bitter at the world and deeply depressed, I told myself he wasn't acting in his right mind and I should show more compassion. I even spent a lot of time thinking that I was just too hard to handle, mentally unstable etc, anyone in his position would have wanted to shut me up by any means. Sometimes I even thought how it wasn't so bad, no broken bones, no hospital visits, just a few bruises and some soreness, maybe I was just over-reacting and this is a "normal" thing in relationships just most people don't talk about it happening because it's too taboo.

Anyways, that went on for a few years, he hasn't been physical in about a year now but I find myself constantly still reliving it and having my back up around him. I want to forgive and forget but part of me feels like he doesn't deserve that forgiveness at the same time. I know people do/say things they don't mean out of anger so I feel like I can't hold it against him but then I feel like there's a limit too. It's genuinely confusing to be in love with a person who has caused you immense pain....