Never good enough
I've struggled for years trying to be perfect so I don't have to feel the repercussions of not being good enough but no matter how hard I tried I could never get it right. I was constantly told how it was my fault. I stopped speaking of the things that shouldn't be happening when I was 7. I tried to tell my mum what her friend was doing and was met with a violent punishment and told not to speak of it. I shouldn't have been surprised though because she led the way for more abuse to come to me. She truly didn't care and would tell me on a daily basis just how much she wished me dead. After telling her of what he was doing the abuse from him became more severe. I tried so hard to be good so it wouldn't be as bad but it never worked. At such a young age I shut myself down to feeling the emotions because she didn't want me to show my emotions but of course this led to him becoming angry because he wanted to see ne cry. I would get so confused and end up making things worse. I tried to protect my younger sisters from the violent acts happening inside our house and at his house but I didn't always succeed. They still copped abused from my mum but thankfully never in the same severe way as I would divert the attention. I am an adult now but have only just last year escaped from the torture coming from my mums home. I have had the rest of my family turn their backs on me however which is crushing but I know I need to because I was at a point of giving up. And I can't let them win.
I have only just learned to let the blame go and I think the big turning point was seeing a picture of myself when I was a child. When I look at that picture I see a child who never asked for the things that happened to happen. I suffer nightly from nightmares of my childhood and continue having flashbacks through the day. My anxiety is always on high alert as I am constantly waiting for another hit or this words to start flying telling me how useless I really am. I have found poetry to be quite helpful. My poems are dark because im able to express without fear. I struggle through each day but keep showing up to fight. I work in dementia care which helps because I feel like I am making a difference in someone's life. I am alone though because I can't trust people enough to let them in. That's why I came to 7 cups to try and let go of my mistrust and feel just a little less alone in this world.
@calmLake1999 Hi. I am sorry you went thru this all. I don't know what to say, so i wont pretend to. I think Cups is the place for you. I think there will be many friends to help you along the way. U look at a pic from when you are 7 and see a hurt child. I hope you can look at a current/future picture of yourself soon and see a person who survived and proved them all wrong. A person who was reborn. I support you and know that you can.
@PerfectStorm426
Thank you. Im trying to see that but its still very hard. I've come along way from where I was a few months ago but I still struggle daily. I know I can get through this. Its just very exhausting and doesn't help that I can't sleep.
@calmLake1999
First of all thank you so much for sharing your story. Here you are safe and sound. The community is awesome and super supportive , so trust me when I say you'll get all the love and support you need.
Now about your story I'm so sorry you went through that. Everytime I hear similar experiences my heart breaks, just imagining a child in so much pain and carrying that weight their entire life.. so I'm sorry your childhood was wrong. But darling sadly we are all dependent where and when we live. We can't change that. However we can change the future! Look amazing you're doing! You're helping people that is so lovely of you. And not only that but you are sharing your story which will help others to come forward with their own experiences and not close themselves. That alone is amazing.
This said you're a fantastic person who just had alot of pain and crap in their life, however I wish you the best future possible. I hope life gets better and better and fills you with amazing experiences and I hope we can be around to see that happening :)
And finally, welcome to 7cups and enjoy your stay. We're very happy we have you around
@Booklover95
Hi. Thank you. It was a huge step for me to put my story out there sadly in the back of my mind I still believe im notsupposed to talk about it but I also know that I can't keep living my life in fear. I will continue to push forward as I have already made huge steps in my life and if id never stopped and cut my abusers out of my life I wouldn't have had the chance to do that.
