PTSD Diary

I actually do feel a lot better for posting here today.

Going to download the streaks app tomorrow to set targets & keep up with them. I can't do it now because downloading apps is blocked on my phone.

I think to do better, I have to do the opposite of what I’ve done so far.

Instead of making big goals & trying to sprint forward in life, I’m going to set really small goals with vague overarching long term goals.

The purpose of this thread is to keep me accountable.

Today I've been to the gym & downloaded the streaks app, which I really hope will help me build good habits.

Focusing on the big picture doesn't work. It just stresses me out. I can focus on today though. I can have a structure that enables me to succeed, irrespective of motivation. Motivation isn't reliable generally & it definitely isn't reliable for someone who suspects they have ADHD.

I'll check in at the end of the day.

Things are starting to get better. I felt really frustrated over the weekend & I think that's because I didn't do the things that I wanted to do on Friday.

Work is causing most if not all of the issues in my life right now. As previously stated I work with my Dad & he is one of the biggest causes of harm in my life. I need to learn how to manage him better. Work often devolves into him talking about personal issues & berating the situation that we're in. It doesn't change anything & it renders me unable to work. I'm starting to think that there is something a bit deeper with my Dad. He is unaware of how his behavior affects other people. Most of his relationships are poor & truthfully I would have walked away a long time ago if he wasn't my Dad.

I feel good for the first time in a long, long time. I know I have tough things ahead, but I think I can deal with them.

I've actually done a good job of building a good life. For that, I'm proud of myself. The one area I need to figure out is work & I'll do that. I'm confident that I can figure it out a day at a time.

Feeling a bit stuck right now. Had a good couple of days, but today seems to be a bit of a struggle. I'm not progressing with work like I did yesterday.

My Gran is in hospital, but the procrastination today pre-dates that. It's a worry & I'll figure it out.

I think this was coming on last night. I felt anxious as I was finishing & it's carried over to today.

I think I just need to do something to break the pattern. I also need to progress when I feel this way, rather than give up. It feels abnormal for me to progress & I think that is a big part of why I stop.

I need to be more assertive in life.

I avoid problems & drift off into my own world. I don't think I can change things, so I don't. I accept the status quo & don't challenge people. I then wind up regretting it.

It's probably the biggest change I need to make & the root cause of my situation. A lack of assertiveness/ confidence.

Thanks @mallow010, likewise.

Gotta start heading in a direction, rather than what I'm doing now.

Things are tough & I have to change what I'm doing, or they will stay tough.

My Gran is in hospital. It's tough, she has dementia. It puts things into perspective. An MMA fighter died last night/ today as well. Not sure why, but that hits hard as well.

A big part of me is getting my head round the fact that I'm only going to live once & I need to make the most of it.

I'm putting a lot of stock in getting diagnosed with ADHD & getting medication for it. This could take a long time & may not help that much. There are a lot of other things for me to work on & it doesn't excuse bad behavior.

The issues I think I have are as follows:

• Social Anxiety.
• ADHD.
• PTSD.
• Depression.

I think feeling depressed is somewhat situational & happens as a result of having ADHD/ PTSD. Social anxiety links to trauma & being bullied.

I have to work hard on behavioral techniques to manage these things & move forward. I think the anxiety, depression & PTSD can be 'cured' for want of a better term. ADHD tends to be lifelong & there is treatment available if I get diagnosed with it, which I'm pretty certain I will.

In the meantime, I need to focus on managing the symptoms as best as I can. I need to accept it completely & do what I need to do to get by. I am lactose intolerant, this is no different. If I was to have milk, I would be ill. I have ADHD, I need to use techniques that help me manage it.

Hoping to have a good week this week.