Part of My Story hopefully the past
Hi um I'm guess I'm doing this.
My name's Witty and this is part of my story .
I was physically, and emotionally abused, as well as verbally sexually harassed off and on until the age of 16 to 17, by my father.
I get some may read that and think ew that's awful he's your father and understandably others may think, well why add that he didn't rape you.
That's true. To my knowledge he did not rape or molest me. My fear of him doing those things to me was just another fear tactic he used to control me. But it still had a pretty painful impact on everytjing.
Also I am not going to tell details though I was sexually assaulted by a woman old enough to be my mother when I was 14 years old.
These things just are what they are to me.
I'm finally able to say what they are now. I finally fully understand what happened was wrong and not my fault.
I also was bullied a couple years ago by someone I thought was my friend who it turned out went anonymously online and convinced me my other friend killed herself. I thought it was my fault. The person also joked about me being raped, said just a lot of horrible things and made it seem like i was the cause for my friends suicide.
I didn't tell anyone besides my true best friend, my sister (she also has been through so much but that is her story) for the longest time.
I never told people a lot of things out of fear or shame.
I have struggled with an eating disorder for almost the past 8 years. I started at a really young age even for girls. It went from random bouts of personal week long hunger strikes to schedules for months to forgetting about it then doing it all again to counting calories and trying to get rid of all of them, for awhile I was convinced if I reach 100 pounds I would need to kill myself because that was too much.
I didn't kill myself, luckily, and it's been a few years since but I still struggle off and on ever since. I obsessively think about what I look like to the point I would hold my breathe the entire school it made my lungs weak. I need to be skinny lying in bed as well luckily that's died down recently.
I've developed shaking I've had halucinations I even got a mouth disease in the past 4 ish years due to not eating.
This all relates to the OCD I developed to cope with my difficult situation. I think I had this habit since I was maybe even 5 years old as there are pictures of me doing it.
I have dermotillomania which is where your OCD causes you to harm yourself by peaking picking or ripping your own skin off.
I've done it all my life when I'm anxious even if I don't realize it. I hate it so much. I wish every day I could stop. Sometimes I do but it doesn't last.
I also have a physical what some may call "deformity"but I don't think it's that that I'm not going to talk much about. But that entire story is just so sad and exhausting for so many reasons.
If anyone saw my DES experimentation post there's that. Yes on top of everything my maternal family was unknowingly experimented on. In the US. It's ughhh.
It's hard to know you can't do things most everyone else can at a young age. Especially when those things are what define a woman's worth as.
Um what else
I'm really bad at romantic relationships. Until recently I had been in and out of 1 with different ppl for the past 4 ish years. Just straight through constantly I needed to be with someone. And a lot of it wasn't even official dating just thinking I was in love and ppl thinking they were in love with me.
I can't remember really being kind to myself until 2017. I'm sure I was but it took me until that long to wake up and be like I am so cruel to myself.
Because I didn't respect and love myself fully I would cling to people, even if they abused me, because once they loved me I was "enough"
None of those people assaulted me though.
I'm probably forgetting something I mean I wasn't really bullied by anyone else besides that one person and some would say my family.
My sister's did what they saw which was to be physically and emotionally abusive. We had some wild times. Just young girls beating each other up.
I love them and I love my mother so much. But there were times were she was very cruel emotionally as well. She was so brainwashed by my father her mind just kinda broke...
I mean and there was her being pretty cruel to me about the sexual assault/ my body. The only person who really believed me and respected me about it was my sister. But I was alone for almost 4 years with that secret. And it was a really multifaceted thing.
And afterwards she would cry and apologize even if it took years she always felt bad. She's not a mean person. Mother's are in such an impossible place in these positions. She sacrificed so much.
I have forgiven her for all of it because I understand. And she couldn't fully love us and mother us until she stopped being cruel to herself. I get that.
Um but on the positive
I've "always been a kind person" which I'm happy about. I think I am because I learned at such a young age what it felt like to be treated badly and I never wanted anyone to feel that.
The church has always been a sanctuary for me. I knew he or none of them could hurt us when we are in God's house. I love the women pastors who work there and to see strong women who I know God loves and respects.
My mother and her family's story is their story. But I still get very sad and angry from time to time that they were mistreated for so long just because they were different. Most of them were good, kind people.
Also so y'all know. Dark curly kinky whatever hair is BEAUTIFUL don't feel like you have to hide that. It stayed with us because it is beautiful even if we are not living in a hot place anymore. It's not unattractive. It's not unfeminine it's not dirty.
Mixture makes the most beautiful everything. Paint, people . No one is superior to another.
I know what it's like to be treated like you're nothing.
But I don't believe that. I know the truth of love.
Oh my dog. Oh buddy. I loved him he was like a little brother and my father abused him too and I haaaaate him for that.
Oh land well I've seen a lot of nature be destroyed in my day and it makes me very angry because like a) nature is my friend b) animals and plants need that space c)nature has given me so much it's always been there with us
It physically and emotionally hurt like I stayed till the very end sometimes and I guess it's hard sometimes if you don't feel the connection. But I saw it all go and I cried and cried and I could see i could feel the hurt.
But despite allll of that. On the outside I look fine. I look like a pretty skinny girl with friends and I go to a good school. I try to use that position to spread awareness and understanding.
Oh I was bullied by these few girls because this guy liked me. That was awful they were so unbelievably shallow like wtf is wrong with you. But it's over now. And I pity them.
Well. There it is.
And what happened after well
I'm doing pretty good now. Still mentally a bit crazy but I'm okay.
I have a great relationship with my sister mama and friends. I have great grades and kinda soon gonna go to college thank God freedom.
But of course that scares me bc I won't be around to take care of my mom and sister.
There's still a lot left undone. I still have to lie to survive. My older sisters still defend my father which is exasperating.
Tbh I have had a suitcase packed and hidden in my room for the past few months with everything I could need to survive in it. But I'm still holding out here. It's the "best option" for now.
@wittySpruce8187
Bc we all still live together including my father for financial reasons
@wittySpruce8187
Oh and I guess I wa stalked by that fake friend. She did pretend to be multiple different people and talk to me she stole stuff etc etc that was a weird time
That's a lot to get off your chest. How do you feel now?
@DaveMcGrath
Thanks for being here
And honestly the same...like I'm not sad per say I'm just kinda meh
But I hope it could help some people which was the intent in the beginning before I started remembering everything lol
💜
@wittySpruce8187
I bet you've learned a lot about yourself going through this. What important lessons stand out the most for you?
@wittySpruce8187
I mean there's also that I've known I was queer since a pretty young age but I don't think of that as a negative anymore. Of course at the time I had a lot of depression for a long time, my mom was the only person who's acceptance I cared about it and that was a struggle like yikes
But We're good now
So I'm relapsing like rn
The last time I was here I cried and cried
For myself bc of how much I deteriorated my body and I made myself promise I would never do that again
And the very last time I was here l almost drowned myself to the song Dancing Queen and the last things I said was "I'm sorry" to my loved ones and God and "but I want to live" bc I felt like this isn't living
And times before that in here I remembered for the first time I was raped
In here I cried and cried for so many years by myself.
Sometimes with my sister for eachother sometimes with my mom
And before all that I was maybe 6 years old and he started doing what he did
So much has happened in this bathtub and I'm done.
I don't want to be alone. I don't want to even die.
I just wanna feel alive.
I just I'm telling someone. Bc I can't do this alone anymore.
@wittySpruce8187
My mom. I love her so much how could she do these things
She's the only parent I've had that I wasn't afraid would kill me. We basically grew up together. A d I understands
But she did so many things to me how mom what did I do
I'm stable for now
Please don't worry
❤❤
Sign of the Times by Harry Styles
always seemed to fit relapsing situations like I never learn here we are again we gotta get away from here(this house) and it's all over type feeling
Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan was me every day for so long because there is a girl a wonderful amazing strong girl and we had a really odd relationship we both had troubled homes and were so depressed and I knew we couldn't be together but I was like I would rather live in this fantasy than face my reality
We are still really strong friends and she has taught me so much but for health sake we're not that close
I thank her so much for everything she gave to me.
I've had so many relationships like that where we are both young and sad and naive and project into each Other and it's just such a certain kind of sadness
That's really brave of you to share your story! I admire your strength. I can't promise that I know what to say to take the pain away or to make you feel better but I do promise to never judge and to always validate your feelings! I'm not the bestest with abuse topics but I'm good at being a friendly ear. My pm's are always open if you need a little extra support right now <3 sometimes I can be annoying to talk to because I have a recovery focused listening style. Or I can also try to respond to your taggles here! How are you feeling now? *sending some supportive vibes your way* <3<3<3
@summertimeSamness
Thank you I really appreciate that
❤❤
I'm feeling eh I woke up from a nightmare which I guess isn't surprising bc I fell asleep anxious
Hi all wanted to let you know I am doing okayish like more okay than before.
This summer has been absolutely bonkers but I realized a lot of amazing things happened for me my sister my mom my friends and the world.
I counted 21 great things that happened. I wont list them here but basically I got through. And I didn't just get though I got through well and had some fun.
I feel like the past few months have been the end to my old life and start of my new. Truthfully I think that a lot but this time is really true
I've been surviving albeit painfully but surviving my entire life. And so many lovely people have said they want to see me able to thrive. Actually live.
@wittySpruce8187 That is really good to read! You absolutely deserve to thrive and live for you're so worth it all.
I hope you will hold on to this truth even when it get rough sometimes. Make sure you record it somehow or somewhere so it can remind you when you need to be reminded.
Go you! 
@nolongerafraid
❤❤ thank you so much that means a lot
Hey all. It's another week and another distressing thing happened.
I feel like my life is just a perpetual one bad thing after another sometimes I get a reprieve and it's great but I feel like if can never last
But interestingly the other night I wrote down an anti-suicide letter
Where instead of saying all the things like I love u all, I'm sorry and everything I think of all the time to be my last words...
I wrote the reasons why I can't let myself kill myself bc people need me and that was always more important than no matter how painful my life is
It was a very stressful night. My sister has an illness in her brain and she fights it so hard but I have seen it break her down. it is the most painful thing to see someone you love be broken down into a child in terror. She told me I shouldn't see her like that she doesn't want anyone to be hurt too
We stayed with her all night.
I know it's not really good to say these things on the internet. I never tell anyone in real life bc I think it would make them more sad.
And there were other reasons why I can't let myself die like other ppl I need to spend all the time with I can and protect and loved ones with things I'm not letting another living being suffer through if I have anything to say about it
So I wrote that right...
Then the next day I was in a car accident. I just feel like that's ironic. Thankfully no one was hurt in either car. Everyone's alright.
But that's not what bothered me abt that day. Frankly I've been scared for my life so many times someone accidentally hitting us with their car felt like nothing on the trauma scale. And I've been in an accident before. That time it was all my siblings and me and I probably just repressed it at the time but I was scared for them they easily coulda died.
So this car accident that I was like. Eh. I'm me. Car accident? Psh nothing
My best friend was sitting next to me. I had just spent the day with her and we were laughing and having a fun peaceful time.
I just feel like I bring her bad luck.
She's ok but I don't think I've ever seen her really scared. I have it. And I hate these emotions I hate that I could have lost her.
And then the other thing that got me tho I didn't really process it at the time was I was jealous...of her family and how they all cared for eachother...
That's horrible. I am happy they are all So loved and respected.
Just the father had more concern in his eyes for the mother than I think I have ever seen my father have for my mom even when my mom literally was almost dying. And I was like huh.
I was angry that my mom never got that.
And the mom was so good about the whole situation and that impressed me.
Their whole family is amazing they don't scare each other they don't degrade each other they are such positive giving people like an actual responsible family
And I feel so bad for thinking that bc my mom is a good mom too. She came to pick me up and she's been really helpful. She saw two of her children in dire situations back to back she was so worried more than a person should ever have to be
But There's just certain things she just doesn't do and I don't need them anymore but when I was a child..
Idk. And i was standing in the hospital parking lot the police were very nice so that was good we are very fortunate in that regard. The person from the other car was very gracious and helpful and luckily not hurt.
But I was just standing there looking at everything. Tbh my back kinda hurt but being me I didn't wanna get anyone in trouble so I didn't tell anyone.
And I was thinking about the future and some things that are gonna happen. I wanted to just escape into the woods for a moment.
Then I got home right and here's why I think my life is one thing after another:
I looked in the mirror for bruises. There were none but I didn't look skinny anynore. I'm still thin of course that's just genetic. But everything I worked so hard to obliterate into bone and skin was just...not bone and skin. I had a normal waste. Which is not okay for me.
Everything was bad. what happened to me? I irrationally wondered what if the impact made my muscles and bone collapse and now I have an even smaller torso oh no
My legs weren't skinny anymore either. It was terrifying. I know in the grand scheme that is not a big deal but it was freaking terrifying everything was gone.
I cried and cried bc I need to have control over it. If I'm not skinny idk who I am.
And I was like what if this is just how I am now. What if it was never real. I was doing so well I resolved not to die but now that's gone too
Idk.
I mean I'm alive now. Maybe God saved all of us idk.
All in all I'd say we are all doing ok given the circumstances.
